Search found 11 matches

by JustinMacumber
Sat Jul 10, 2010 4:48 pm
Forum: Drabbles
Topic: The Coming of the Doombringer
Replies: 8
Views: 1293

Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Not a fan of that ending. I think instead the delivery person should hand him a package, and our protaganist should take it and look at it with dread.

Also, whenever you use dialog tags, you should always use a comma and then lower case the pronoun, not use a period and upper case.
by JustinMacumber
Sat Jul 10, 2010 4:45 pm
Forum: Drabbles
Topic: How Many Licks?
Replies: 4
Views: 783

Re: How Many Licks?

Not bad, though I think stopping with the lollipop hitting the table would have been better. Has a bit of closure to it, even though we have no idea what is going. Adding that last bit made it too open, too unresolved.

Also, I think you meant, "pulled him forward," not "pull."
by JustinMacumber
Sat Jul 10, 2010 4:42 pm
Forum: Drabbles
Topic: Rock, Paper, Cthullu
Replies: 4
Views: 1020

Re: Rock, Paper, Cthullu

Nice. :)
by JustinMacumber
Sat Jul 10, 2010 4:07 am
Forum: Drabbles
Topic: The Gun
Replies: 11
Views: 1453

Re: The Gun

Surprisingly enough, most of my stories have females as the protagonist. Why this one didn't start off that way is... unknown. Good call on that.
by JustinMacumber
Fri Jul 09, 2010 5:51 pm
Forum: Drabbles
Topic: The Church of Schrödinger's Cat
Replies: 2
Views: 543

Re: The Church of Schrödinger's Cat

The constant repetition of Harry's name is bothersome for me. It might be a style choice, not sure, but I would change it.
by JustinMacumber
Fri Jul 09, 2010 2:38 pm
Forum: Drabbles
Topic: The Gun
Replies: 11
Views: 1453

Re: The Gun

Mrsmica, I love that idea! How does it read now?
by JustinMacumber
Fri Jul 09, 2010 6:56 am
Forum: Drabbles
Topic: The Gun
Replies: 11
Views: 1453

Re: The Gun

Okay, I've changed the last line. Does that work better?
by JustinMacumber
Fri Jul 09, 2010 6:43 am
Forum: Drabbles
Topic: The Gun
Replies: 11
Views: 1453

Re: The Gun

No, that last line didn't come out exactly as I'd have liked. I'll have to revisit it. It's mean to show that the bandit, who was already a killer, was now also a liar. I'll work on it...
by JustinMacumber
Fri Jul 09, 2010 6:41 am
Forum: Drabbles
Topic: The End Of The Road
Replies: 2
Views: 547

Re: The End Of The Road

The story was inspired by the pilot episode of Supernatural, where a lady in white (read that: ghost) gets picked up by men and then kills them when she lures them into infidelity. I wanted to go a bit more somber with this piece, more mysterious. Why is she in white? What is her purpose? We don't k...
by JustinMacumber
Thu Jul 08, 2010 7:34 am
Forum: Drabbles
Topic: The End Of The Road
Replies: 2
Views: 547

The End Of The Road

Big ups to "Supernatural" for the inspiration... THE END OF THE ROAD The steering wheel was stubborn beneath his hands. He pulled one way and then another, but his path didn’t change. His road only went forward. “Please, let me go,” he said, tears burning beneath his eyes. The woman in white beside ...
by JustinMacumber
Wed Jul 07, 2010 9:21 pm
Forum: Drabbles
Topic: The Gun
Replies: 11
Views: 1453

The Gun

“C’mon, little girl,” the bandit said. “Lower that piece. You ain’t no killer.” Calie was only a child. She’d been minding the sheep when the first shot rang out, and then watched in shadow as outlaws took everything worth carrying before leaving. One bandit had stuck around, for reasons she didn’t ...