Not a fan of that ending. I think instead the delivery person should hand him a package, and our protaganist should take it and look at it with dread.
Also, whenever you use dialog tags, you should always use a comma and then lower case the pronoun, not use a period and upper case.
Search found 11 matches
- Sat Jul 10, 2010 4:48 pm
- Forum: Drabbles
- Topic: The Coming of the Doombringer
- Replies: 8
- Views: 1293
- Sat Jul 10, 2010 4:45 pm
- Forum: Drabbles
- Topic: How Many Licks?
- Replies: 4
- Views: 783
Re: How Many Licks?
Not bad, though I think stopping with the lollipop hitting the table would have been better. Has a bit of closure to it, even though we have no idea what is going. Adding that last bit made it too open, too unresolved.
Also, I think you meant, "pulled him forward," not "pull."
Also, I think you meant, "pulled him forward," not "pull."
- Sat Jul 10, 2010 4:42 pm
- Forum: Drabbles
- Topic: Rock, Paper, Cthullu
- Replies: 4
- Views: 1020
Re: Rock, Paper, Cthullu
Nice. 

Re: The Gun
Surprisingly enough, most of my stories have females as the protagonist. Why this one didn't start off that way is... unknown. Good call on that.
- Fri Jul 09, 2010 5:51 pm
- Forum: Drabbles
- Topic: The Church of Schrödinger's Cat
- Replies: 2
- Views: 543
Re: The Church of Schrödinger's Cat
The constant repetition of Harry's name is bothersome for me. It might be a style choice, not sure, but I would change it.
Re: The Gun
Mrsmica, I love that idea! How does it read now?
Re: The Gun
Okay, I've changed the last line. Does that work better?
Re: The Gun
No, that last line didn't come out exactly as I'd have liked. I'll have to revisit it. It's mean to show that the bandit, who was already a killer, was now also a liar. I'll work on it...
- Fri Jul 09, 2010 6:41 am
- Forum: Drabbles
- Topic: The End Of The Road
- Replies: 2
- Views: 547
Re: The End Of The Road
The story was inspired by the pilot episode of Supernatural, where a lady in white (read that: ghost) gets picked up by men and then kills them when she lures them into infidelity. I wanted to go a bit more somber with this piece, more mysterious. Why is she in white? What is her purpose? We don't k...
- Thu Jul 08, 2010 7:34 am
- Forum: Drabbles
- Topic: The End Of The Road
- Replies: 2
- Views: 547
The End Of The Road
Big ups to "Supernatural" for the inspiration... THE END OF THE ROAD The steering wheel was stubborn beneath his hands. He pulled one way and then another, but his path didn’t change. His road only went forward. “Please, let me go,” he said, tears burning beneath his eyes. The woman in white beside ...
The Gun
“C’mon, little girl,” the bandit said. “Lower that piece. You ain’t no killer.” Calie was only a child. She’d been minding the sheep when the first shot rang out, and then watched in shadow as outlaws took everything worth carrying before leaving. One bandit had stuck around, for reasons she didn’t ...