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Destroy Portland

Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 12:43 am
by Phenopath
In honour of the numerous forum members who hail for Portland Oregon I have created a giant robot to destroy your city. Please note that I have in no way been distracted by my ignorance of the subject matter...

----

Steveo (stoner and hair metal enthusiast) was chilling out on the roof of the bakery where he "worked" when he was woken by an explosion.

"What the hell?" he yelled, leaping to his feet to see that downtown Portland was ablaze.

Two blocks away a metal giant (looking like Truckasaurus gone bad) was kicking the shit out of the Portland Art Museum, whilst incidentally stomping fleeing tourists.

"Leave it out, asshole!" Steveo screamed defiantly.

The robot slowly turned its dumpster sized head, before lumbering towards Ernie's 24 Hour Bagel Emporium upon which our hero stood.

What would Van Halen do?

Re: Destroy Portland

Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 1:10 am
by ROU Killing Time
I see you've been to Portland. :)

Re: Destroy Portland

Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 2:55 am
by TheJebi
I've only been to Portland once, so I guess that makes me one of the stomped tourists. :cry:

Highly enjoyable read, of a kind that I would like to see more of around here, and I don't mean giant robots, I mean strait forward story and good characterization... and giant robots :)

Re: Destroy Portland

Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 3:23 am
by Algernon Sydney is Dead
Very worthy goal! :D

If the robot just tells the hippies that it's made of recycled materials and runs on biodiesel, they would no-doubt help it.

Re: Destroy Portland

Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 9:29 am
by Phenopath
ROU Killing Time wrote:I see you've been to Portland. :)
Nor have I been to Baltimore...

CCC Relentless

Re: Destroy Portland

Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 3:19 pm
by strawman
Pheno, you're the reason Texas won't allow concealed weapons in an establishment whose income is more than 50% alcohol sales.
If you destroy Portland, you will have wiped out a third of the forum, as well as a majority of the strangeness therein. Plus, you will have given Texas justification for its irrational concealed weapons laws (Do you realize that a drunk in Texas has a 30% higher chance of being a victim of a violent crime?)

Okay, I made that up, and it's not true. I just received an email from the Texas NRA that explains that law: Tests confirmed that the majority of Texans could not find a concealed weapon when intoxicated. So the law merely means you have to carry the weapon around in your hand when drunk.

Never mind. All is well.

Re: Destroy Portland

Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 7:51 pm
by juliasd
I'm currently one of those tourests, so if the monster could avoid my friend's apartment and Powells, I'd appreciate it.

Re: Destroy Portland

Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 8:36 pm
by themorg
While only 2 blocks away from the art museum i am sure i would not hear it over the protesters at Ungar Fur. There is now a civil noise abatement against them but they seem to have good lawyers. In the mean time i can take a nap in the afternoon. nice Drabble.

Re: Destroy Portland

Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 10:15 pm
by eric_marsh
Well I must say that this is quite a good drabble and I'm also pleased that Sandman has taken the time to understand Texas law. I bet there's a drabble somewhere in there too.

I was born and raised in Seattle and lived for a while in Eugene, a bit further down I-5 from Portland. I really liked Eugene - it didn't rain as much as Seattle. Makes me wonder if there's a correlation between spending one's younger years in wet climates and drabbling. I've heard that it's rainy in England too. The only time I was there I was passing through Heathrow. The skies were gray, somewhat similar to a summer day in the Pacific Northwest.

Now I own a ranch in central Texas. http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source= ... -97.626047 Texas had blue skies every day. In fact we recently had blue skies and no rain for about a year and a half which turned my lake into a pond with fish flopping out on the shore to escape the water. Hopefully that drought didn't adversely affect my ability to drabble.

Re: Destroy Portland

Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 11:13 pm
by Phenopath
eric_marsh wrote: Now I own a ranch in central Texas. http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source= ... -97.626047
Nice lake.

Re: Destroy Portland

Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 11:14 pm
by Phenopath
strawman wrote:Pheno, you're the reason Texas won't allow concealed weapons in an establishment whose income is more than 50% alcohol sales.
Good point, I now want to destroy again.

Re: Destroy Portland

Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 11:28 pm
by eric_marsh
Phenopath wrote: Nice lake.
Thanks - I wanted a place where I could work on my cars and bikes and Janet wanted a place to put her fishies. I think she got more than she anticipated.

http://homepage.mac.com/emarsh/.Pictures/fishies.jpg" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false

Re: Destroy Portland

Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 11:40 pm
by strawman
eric_marsh wrote:I think she got more than she anticipated.
http://homepage.mac.com/emarsh/.Pictures/fishies.jpg" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false
CARP ALERT!!!!

Re: Destroy Portland

Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 11:50 pm
by eric_marsh
Yes, but they are mutant carp, born with the capability to bend men's (and women's) minds.

Why else would anybody pay $50k or even $100k for a carp and even cook custom meals for them?

If this isn't drabble material I don't know what is.....

Re: Destroy Portland

Posted: Fri Dec 11, 2009 7:44 pm
by strawman
eric_marsh wrote: Why else would anybody pay $50k or even $100k for a carp and even cook custom meals for them?
There's an answer to your question, but it isn't pretty...


Image

Re: Destroy Portland

Posted: Sun Dec 13, 2009 3:37 am
by Mr. Tweedy
I've never been to Portland and my knowledge of Van Halen is restricted to the fact that they will soon have their own Guitar Hero game. Yet, I love this drabble. It's just right. (Unlike what that man seems to be doing with that fish, which is just wrong.)

Re: Destroy Portland

Posted: Sun Dec 13, 2009 3:47 am
by ROU Killing Time
Mr. Tweedy wrote:I've never been to Portland and my knowledge of Van Halen is restricted to the fact that they will soon have their own Guitar Hero game. Yet, I love this drabble. It's just right. (Unlike what that man seems to be doing with that fish, which is just wrong.)
I've lived near Portland my whole life, and I can confirm, there is a certain perfection to this drabble, Tweedy.

Also, agree whole-heartedly re: man with fish. If that makes me "intolerant" well, so be it.

Re: Destroy Portland

Posted: Sun Dec 13, 2009 9:02 pm
by Phenopath
Aw heck Tweedy, now I want to cry.

Re: Destroy Portland

Posted: Tue Dec 15, 2009 1:37 am
by ROU Killing Time
Oh, one thing. "Leave it out, asshole" makes the protagonistic sound like a british foreign exchange student, not a stoner, hair-band loving, tree-hugging, Portlander.

"Go screw yourself, asshole" might have a more authentic reginal feel to it. Or something equally more american.

Re: Destroy Portland

Posted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 8:53 am
by themorg
eric_marsh wrote:If this isn't drabble material I don't know what is.....
sadly it is the only thing on my mind anymore that and spawning upstream.