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The Tree of Life

Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2009 8:48 pm
by sabbatica
I was labeled a "genius": skipping class, I passed the tests, (Necronomicon sigils etched in the desks,) then my fiance killed herself; I studied immortality, forsaking all else, I waged a war on Death itself; trying to save people, earning their hate, I wondered, could I save even true love from that fate? I met thousands of women, some proclaimed themselves "slaves", but none could obey, they raced to their graves. In the library I spend the last of my days, tonight I lay in nature's embrace, killing time 'til time kills me, watching leaves wither, falling from the Tree.

Re: The Tree of Life

Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2009 9:40 pm
by TheJebi
Great drabble sabbatica, and nice rhyme scheme.

I like the dark necropolis type world that it's set in, but I don't think that Dream would appreciate you waging a war on his sister like that. :wink:

It's usually not a good idea to have a whole drabble in one paragraph with no breaks, but that's a small issue.

You worked many cool ideas into this. Among others I liked the bit about the women who could not obey the order to not die.

Welcome aboard. :)

Re: The Tree of Life

Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2009 9:55 pm
by ROU Killing Time
sabbatica wrote: tonight I lay in nature's embrace, killing time 'til time kills me,
ROU hearts this line.

I like the concept. You've got lots of run-ons tho. Perhaps Miss Grimsley will appear and aid thee. Trust in the Grim one. :-)

Re: The Tree of Life

Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2009 10:35 pm
by strawman
sabbatica wrote:I was labeled a "genius": skipping class, I passed the tests, (Necronomicon sigils etched in the desks,) then my fiance killed herself; I studied immortality, forsaking all else, I waged a war on Death itself; trying to save people, earning their hate, I wondered, could I save even true love from that fate? I met thousands of women, some proclaimed themselves "slaves", but none could obey, they raced to their graves. In the library I spend the last of my days, tonight I lay in nature's embrace, killing time 'til time kills me, watching leaves wither, falling from the Tree.
They called me a genius, I skipped class, but passed tests
Necronomicon sigils etched in my desk
until my fiancée killed herself.
I studied mortality, forsaking all else.
The powers of death were soon overtaken
I tried saving people; instead earned their hate
Could even true love, I mused, be saved from that fate
I tried a thousand women; some professed themselves “slaves”
But none would obey, raced away to their graves
Here in my den, for the last of my days
I lay tonight in nature’s embrace
killing time 'til time kills me,
I watch leaves wither, then the tree.

This is how it might look as poetry. But as poetry the meter is badly distorted for the sake of the word count. Still, some good ideas.

Re: The Tree of Life

Posted: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:49 am
by The PMS Avenger
ROU Killing Time wrote:I like the concept. You've got lots of run-ons tho. Perhaps Miss Grimsley will appear and aid thee. Trust in the Grim one. :-)
Ugh, I don't need another leather-clad woman around competing for Norm's attention.
sabbatica wrote:watching leaves wither, falling from the Tree.
Great ending line! The drabble was a breath of fresh air. I love it.

Re: The Tree of Life

Posted: Wed Dec 30, 2009 1:56 am
by ROU Killing Time
The PMS Avenger wrote:
ROU Killing Time wrote:I like the concept. You've got lots of run-ons tho. Perhaps Miss Grimsley will appear and aid thee. Trust in the Grim one. :-)
Ugh, I don't need another leather-clad woman around competing for Norm's attention.
sabbatica wrote:watching leaves wither, falling from the Tree.
Great ending line! The drabble was a breath of fresh air. I love it.
Miss Grimsley is MY stalker. Norm has enough of his own, already.

Re: The Tree of Life

Posted: Wed Dec 30, 2009 2:01 am
by TheJebi
The PMS Avenger wrote:
ROU Killing Time wrote:I like the concept. You've got lots of run-ons tho. Perhaps Miss Grimsley will appear and aid thee. Trust in the Grim one. :-)
Ugh, I don't need another leather-clad woman around competing for Norm's attention.
I don't think that you need to worry about Miss Grimsley staking out your territory, seeing as how she is strawman's alter ego, (as I recently learned, she was before my time) but I could be wrong. He might just look great in a skimpy leather outfit... :shock: