The Gun

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?
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JustinMacumber
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The Gun

Post by JustinMacumber » Wed Jul 07, 2010 9:21 pm

“C’mon, little girl,” the bandit said. “Lower that piece. You ain’t no killer.”

Calie was only a child. She’d been minding the sheep when the first shot rang out, and then watched in shadow as outlaws took everything worth carrying before leaving. One bandit had stuck around, for reasons she didn’t want to ponder.

They hadn’t found her daddy’s gun, though. When Calie snuck in and grabbed it, its smooth sandalwood handle burned against her palm.

The bandit spit on the ground. “You won’t shoot me. You can’t.”

The gun thundered, making him a liar as well as a murderer.

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Scattercat
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Re: The Gun

Post by Scattercat » Fri Jul 09, 2010 12:50 am

I liked this one, but I wish the ending had been a little less rushed. It feels too short for the moment it's trying to contain.

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mrsmica
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Re: The Gun

Post by mrsmica » Fri Jul 09, 2010 2:03 am

For me it was all great until the last line. Is the bandit supposed to be the liar and the killer? Because the boy's gun going off didn't make him a killer, he already was one. It made the boy a killer, but not a liar. Maybe I am just confused

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JustinMacumber
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Re: The Gun

Post by JustinMacumber » Fri Jul 09, 2010 6:43 am

No, that last line didn't come out exactly as I'd have liked. I'll have to revisit it. It's mean to show that the bandit, who was already a killer, was now also a liar. I'll work on it...

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JustinMacumber
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Re: The Gun

Post by JustinMacumber » Fri Jul 09, 2010 6:56 am

Okay, I've changed the last line. Does that work better?

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PureChance
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Re: The Gun

Post by PureChance » Fri Jul 09, 2010 11:18 am

Hmm, I think I preferred the killer and a liar ending - its didn't really seem that ambiguous to me, at least in context. Although now I think about it I can see where mrsmica was coming from.
"Everything tricks, and everything cheats, and everything, everything, everything eats."

Drabblecast 146- Teddy Bears and Tea Parties by S. Boyd Taylor

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mrsmica
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Re: The Gun

Post by mrsmica » Fri Jul 09, 2010 1:38 pm

I'd say if you want to go with something more like the original ending, you can fix pronoun confusion by making one of them a girl ;)

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JustinMacumber
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Re: The Gun

Post by JustinMacumber » Fri Jul 09, 2010 2:38 pm

Mrsmica, I love that idea! How does it read now?

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PureChance
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Re: The Gun

Post by PureChance » Fri Jul 09, 2010 11:31 pm

Top notch, I like it :)
"Everything tricks, and everything cheats, and everything, everything, everything eats."

Drabblecast 146- Teddy Bears and Tea Parties by S. Boyd Taylor

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bell
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Re: The Gun

Post by bell » Sat Jul 10, 2010 12:34 am

Works great with a girl protagonist! Mrsmica, great edit!
http://www.apoGrypha.blogspot.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

What would have been written.
Spoiler:
If they hadn't died first.

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mrsmica
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Re: The Gun

Post by mrsmica » Sat Jul 10, 2010 1:11 am

Yes! I was hoping you'd chose the protagonist to make female >:D a win for us girls! lol

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JustinMacumber
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Re: The Gun

Post by JustinMacumber » Sat Jul 10, 2010 4:07 am

Surprisingly enough, most of my stories have females as the protagonist. Why this one didn't start off that way is... unknown. Good call on that.

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