The Coming of the Doombringer

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The Coming of the Doombringer

Post by munsi » Sat Jul 10, 2010 3:04 pm

A man came to my door today.

“I bring you doom.” He announced.

It was odd, I didn’t order doom, and knew no-one who’d send it to me, but here he was, and I’d no reason to doubt him.

He did look honest. He carried a clipboard.

I told him I’d no use for any doom.

“Just doing my job, sir.” He replied.

I couldn’t argue. It wasn’t his fault I didn’t want the doom he brought, and he likely had other deliveries to make.

I pondered a moment, took the clipboard, and signed my name.

And then I died.

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Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Post by JustinMacumber » Sat Jul 10, 2010 4:48 pm

Not a fan of that ending. I think instead the delivery person should hand him a package, and our protaganist should take it and look at it with dread.

Also, whenever you use dialog tags, you should always use a comma and then lower case the pronoun, not use a period and upper case.

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Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Post by PureChance » Sat Jul 10, 2010 10:16 pm

Actually I rather liked the suddenness of the ending, it fits with the mundane feeling of the rest of the drabble - just another day, just another delivery type thing. I think if it ended hanging with him looking at the package in dread or similar it would seem too ominous, and lend the story a much more serious tone, which would clash with the rest of it...
"Everything tricks, and everything cheats, and everything, everything, everything eats."

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Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Post by strawman » Sat Jul 10, 2010 11:16 pm

While PureChance has a point, I think Justin's right about the abrupt ending. How about...

"...and signed my name.

I was doomed.
But I noted on the form that the package was damaged.
At least I could file a claim."

I know, it screws up the word count. But I like this ending, so you could just cut out the line about him not ordering doom.
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Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Post by Scattercat » Sun Jul 11, 2010 1:21 am

I'd just end the story around about "and signed my name."

The "And then I died" takes this from "cheerily ominous" to "farcical," and I don't think the transition is a positive one.

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Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Post by eric_marsh » Sun Jul 11, 2010 2:49 am

Oh, I like it just fine the way that it was originally written. The "then I died" removes any ambiguity.
Life is a tragedy for those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. - Horace Walpole
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Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Post by bell » Sun Jul 11, 2010 3:08 am

But, ah! the world of possibilities the ending opens up!

The narrator is writing from the hereafter. Hey, the celestial bureaucrat is supernatural. Mundane, but supernatural. Could the afterlife be... similar?" onclick=";return false;

What would have been written.
If they hadn't died first.

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Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Post by gustomaestro » Sun Jul 11, 2010 6:17 am

Amusingly glib and nondescript. Works for me.

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Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Post by stakultexsun » Tue Jul 13, 2010 1:08 pm

I kind of agree about not liking the had a funny beat to it...maybe you just signed a deal with the devil, or even worse, you put your name on a telemarketing list!

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