The Coming of the Doombringer

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?
Post Reply
User avatar
munsi
Member
Posts: 858
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 5:06 am
Location: Calgary
Contact:

The Coming of the Doombringer

Post by munsi » Sat Jul 10, 2010 3:04 pm

A man came to my door today.

“I bring you doom.” He announced.

It was odd, I didn’t order doom, and knew no-one who’d send it to me, but here he was, and I’d no reason to doubt him.

He did look honest. He carried a clipboard.

I told him I’d no use for any doom.

“Just doing my job, sir.” He replied.

I couldn’t argue. It wasn’t his fault I didn’t want the doom he brought, and he likely had other deliveries to make.

I pondered a moment, took the clipboard, and signed my name.

And then I died.

User avatar
JustinMacumber
Member
Posts: 11
Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2010 9:17 pm

Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Post by JustinMacumber » Sat Jul 10, 2010 4:48 pm

Not a fan of that ending. I think instead the delivery person should hand him a package, and our protaganist should take it and look at it with dread.

Also, whenever you use dialog tags, you should always use a comma and then lower case the pronoun, not use a period and upper case.

User avatar
PureChance
Member
Posts: 91
Joined: Sun Feb 21, 2010 3:51 am
Location: Edinburgh

Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Post by PureChance » Sat Jul 10, 2010 10:16 pm

Actually I rather liked the suddenness of the ending, it fits with the mundane feeling of the rest of the drabble - just another day, just another delivery type thing. I think if it ended hanging with him looking at the package in dread or similar it would seem too ominous, and lend the story a much more serious tone, which would clash with the rest of it...
"Everything tricks, and everything cheats, and everything, everything, everything eats."

Drabblecast 146- Teddy Bears and Tea Parties by S. Boyd Taylor

User avatar
strawman
Member
Posts: 5966
Joined: Sat Oct 20, 2007 2:20 pm
Location: South Georgia

Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Post by strawman » Sat Jul 10, 2010 11:16 pm

While PureChance has a point, I think Justin's right about the abrupt ending. How about...

"...and signed my name.

I was doomed.
But I noted on the form that the package was damaged.
At least I could file a claim."

I know, it screws up the word count. But I like this ending, so you could just cut out the line about him not ordering doom.
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"

User avatar
Scattercat
Member
Posts: 997
Joined: Fri Feb 05, 2010 8:17 am
Location: Under There

Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Post by Scattercat » Sun Jul 11, 2010 1:21 am

I'd just end the story around about "and signed my name."

The "And then I died" takes this from "cheerily ominous" to "farcical," and I don't think the transition is a positive one.

User avatar
eric_marsh
Member
Posts: 1080
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 5:03 pm
Location: La Drova, Valencia, Spain
Contact:

Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Post by eric_marsh » Sun Jul 11, 2010 2:49 am

Oh, I like it just fine the way that it was originally written. The "then I died" removes any ambiguity.
Life is a tragedy for those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. - Horace Walpole
Eric's Drabbles: http://eric-marsh.blogspot.com/"

User avatar
bell
Member
Posts: 389
Joined: Thu Mar 11, 2010 9:42 pm
Location: New York

Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Post by bell » Sun Jul 11, 2010 3:08 am

But, ah! the world of possibilities the ending opens up!

The narrator is writing from the hereafter. Hey, the celestial bureaucrat is supernatural. Mundane, but supernatural. Could the afterlife be... similar?
http://www.apoGrypha.blogspot.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

What would have been written.
Spoiler:
If they hadn't died first.

User avatar
gustomaestro
Member
Posts: 22
Joined: Fri Jun 18, 2010 2:35 pm

Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Post by gustomaestro » Sun Jul 11, 2010 6:17 am

Amusingly glib and nondescript. Works for me.

stakultexsun
Member
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Jul 13, 2010 7:57 am

Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Post by stakultexsun » Tue Jul 13, 2010 1:08 pm

I kind of agree about not liking the ending...it had a funny beat to it...maybe you just signed a deal with the devil, or even worse, you put your name on a telemarketing list!

Post Reply