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The Coming of the Doombringer

Posted: Sat Jul 10, 2010 3:04 pm
by munsi
A man came to my door today.

“I bring you doom.” He announced.

It was odd, I didn’t order doom, and knew no-one who’d send it to me, but here he was, and I’d no reason to doubt him.

He did look honest. He carried a clipboard.

I told him I’d no use for any doom.

“Just doing my job, sir.” He replied.

I couldn’t argue. It wasn’t his fault I didn’t want the doom he brought, and he likely had other deliveries to make.

I pondered a moment, took the clipboard, and signed my name.

And then I died.

Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Posted: Sat Jul 10, 2010 4:48 pm
by JustinMacumber
Not a fan of that ending. I think instead the delivery person should hand him a package, and our protaganist should take it and look at it with dread.

Also, whenever you use dialog tags, you should always use a comma and then lower case the pronoun, not use a period and upper case.

Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Posted: Sat Jul 10, 2010 10:16 pm
by PureChance
Actually I rather liked the suddenness of the ending, it fits with the mundane feeling of the rest of the drabble - just another day, just another delivery type thing. I think if it ended hanging with him looking at the package in dread or similar it would seem too ominous, and lend the story a much more serious tone, which would clash with the rest of it...

Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Posted: Sat Jul 10, 2010 11:16 pm
by strawman
While PureChance has a point, I think Justin's right about the abrupt ending. How about...

"...and signed my name.

I was doomed.
But I noted on the form that the package was damaged.
At least I could file a claim."

I know, it screws up the word count. But I like this ending, so you could just cut out the line about him not ordering doom.

Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Posted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 1:21 am
by Scattercat
I'd just end the story around about "and signed my name."

The "And then I died" takes this from "cheerily ominous" to "farcical," and I don't think the transition is a positive one.

Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Posted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 2:49 am
by eric_marsh
Oh, I like it just fine the way that it was originally written. The "then I died" removes any ambiguity.

Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Posted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 3:08 am
by bell
But, ah! the world of possibilities the ending opens up!

The narrator is writing from the hereafter. Hey, the celestial bureaucrat is supernatural. Mundane, but supernatural. Could the afterlife be... similar?

Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Posted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 6:17 am
by gustomaestro
Amusingly glib and nondescript. Works for me.

Re: The Coming of the Doombringer

Posted: Tue Jul 13, 2010 1:08 pm
by stakultexsun
I kind of agree about not liking the ending...it had a funny beat to it...maybe you just signed a deal with the devil, or even worse, you put your name on a telemarketing list!