Whodunnit (revisited)

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?
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JeffJ
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Location: Ontario, Canada

Whodunnit (revisited)

Post by JeffJ » Tue Aug 31, 2010 1:50 pm

Back in June I offered Whodunnit based on a pretty simple (blunt) concept. Then, recently Norm Sherman emailed me and offered that while my drabble had potential, it lacked subtlety. Norm offered some suggestions (rewrites), I rewrote, and Norm offered more suggestions (better rewrites). In the end we came up with this:

The stench of fear had been steadily building and now it hung over the room like a cloying mist. In the hallway, the clock bonged loudly, breaking the silence. Several people in the room started at the sound, and then shuffled uncomfortably while others looked about with open disdain. The clock, having chimed the hour, resumed its muted ticking beyond the door.

Everyone was just settling back into their seats when the pacing detective suddenly whirled, his finger pointing accusingly. "The butler did it!" he exclaimed triumphantly. The liveried servant cringed guiltily.

“Gross Jeeves,” whispered a maid through pinched nostrils.


Thanks Norm, I couldn't have done it without you!! If it's okay with you, I'd like to release this into the wild.

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strawman
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Re: Whodunnit (revisited)

Post by strawman » Tue Aug 31, 2010 4:05 pm

If this began lacking subtlety, you may have overcorrected. If I only had a brain. (hey, what a great zombie song!)
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"

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