The Coup

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?
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tbaker2500
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The Coup

Post by tbaker2500 » Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:53 am

Well here's my first attempt at a drabble.

The Coup

He landed hard, but was not injured. Luck was with him, the target was in sight. He quickly located the receptor, and activated it. Access granted! The others from his cell said it was going to be an easy job, and they were right. He opened the wall and entered. A quick survey located the control center. Defenseless. He hooked himself in, and smiled. His work was done. The system would take the virus and replicate it countless times, until there was no stopping them. A new day was dawning.

Frank sneezed. He hoped he wasn’t coming down with something...
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Post by andyd273 » Mon Sep 22, 2008 3:35 am

Very clever.

I like it

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normsherman
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Post by normsherman » Mon Sep 22, 2008 5:22 am

Me like too. Keep writing
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tbaker2500
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Post by tbaker2500 » Mon Sep 22, 2008 5:52 am

normsherman wrote:Me like too. Keep writing
Norm sighed, putting down the stone tablet. Another story about mammoths, another rejection letter. Rubbing his bleary eyes, he picked up the last tablet and started to read the carefully chiseled letters. His heart skipped a beat. No mammoths! But soon hope faded... So close. Not good enough to publish in this week's Rock's Requiem, but good enough to send a personal reply. It read simply:
"Me like too. Keep writing."
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strawman
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Post by strawman » Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:03 pm

Moishe looked down at the words in the stone, and sighed, “Another drabble rejected”. He reread the words: “I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt not have any strange gods before me. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. Remember to keep holy the Lord's Day. Honor thy Father and Mother. Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods.” Did he dare rewrite it?
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Mr. Tweedy
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Post by Mr. Tweedy » Tue Sep 23, 2008 11:03 pm

Ha ha! I don't know what level of sacrilege you were going for, but what's really funny is that that is a sort of a summation of the Old Testament.

God sends a prophet with His Word. Rejected! Okay, another try. Rejected! A different prophet. Rejected! Rephrased thusly. Rejected! ...Except then the publishing house ends up going bankrupt because it didn't buy any good stories. One might indulge in a tongue-in-cheek imagining of God sitting at his desk, staring at another rejection letter. "Man, I know this is good. What's wrong with those editors? That Baal guy keeps getting published. What's so great about him?"


Tom: I like the idea for the drabble, but the execution could use some work. The whole thing is a bit vague. "Landed hard" on what? What's a receptor? How he is being hooked in? To what? The end doesn't manage to be a twist because the beginning doesn't really establish any expectations.

I say redo it and make the spy/secret agent/cyberpunk hacker thing more explicit. Instead of activating the receptor, the virus/agent could key a stolen password in the vault lock. Instead of vaguely landing hard, he can parachute onto a ventilation tower. Things along those lines. Then it will come as a surprise when he turns out to be a virus.
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Post by tbaker2500 » Wed Sep 24, 2008 2:41 am

Thanks for the direction Tweedy. I agree with what you said. I haven't taken the time to rewrite it since I originally wrote it, at 2am during one of the worst colds I had every had. It was quite cathartic to write it, really. Those little bastards.
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Post by guitardel » Wed Sep 24, 2008 3:08 am

"during one of the worst colds I had every had."

I really liked it. The end caught me off guard and I lol. No, really I did. Keep at it!

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Re: The Coup

Post by ROU Killing Time » Thu Nov 26, 2009 4:40 pm

Phenotype: Drabbillus Rhinovirus

The good old "Ugh, I've got a common-cold" dribble... I mean, drabble.

No wonder you chuckled when I wrote mine.
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Re: The Coup

Post by tbaker2500 » Thu Nov 26, 2009 4:50 pm

Damn, you're going far back in the archives!

Yea, I think being sick really causes people to start writing. Frustration breeds creativity.
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ROU Killing Time
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Re: The Coup

Post by ROU Killing Time » Thu Nov 26, 2009 5:17 pm

Yes, I was doing a retrospective on where it started and how far it's come.
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tbaker2500
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Re: The Coup

Post by tbaker2500 » Thu Nov 26, 2009 5:37 pm

Not very far, eh?
You're my quasi-ichthian angel, you're my half-amphibian queen...

The Dribblecast, we don't care if you sound like an idiot.

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ROU Killing Time
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Re: The Coup

Post by ROU Killing Time » Thu Nov 26, 2009 7:15 pm

LOL, well it's true, in the case of the Rhinovirus drabble, great minds thought alike, as did yours and mine. :-)
"Never fuck with The Culture"
Sublime In Peace Iain M. Banks.

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