Some Monsters May Tuck You In

[zcarter80]

WARNING!!! The following drabble was written in 2 versions and has some darker themes but I would like a little feedback to see which version is better written, if you guys can manage it. Thanks in advance.

Some Monsters May Tuck You In (Version 1)


Shadows dance in the moon light coming in through my window.

The shapes they make look like animals I’ve seen at the zoo but they don’t scare me.

A giraffe by the dresser, a lion at the foot of the bed, even a penguin on the table.

I snuggle under the covers, wondering if my grandfather will bring me a glass of water tonight when I see something move behind the gaping closet door.

The creature’s scales shine and eyes glow silver between my clothes but I hear my grandpa turn the knob and I know the real monster’s arrived.


Some Monsters May Tuck You In (version 2)

Shadows dance in the moon light coming in through my window.

The shapes they make look like animals I’ve seen at the zoo.

An alligator by the dresser, a lion at the foot of the bed, even a penguin on the nightstand.

I see something move behind the gaping closet door.

The creature’s scales shine and eyes glow silver between clothes hangers as I cower under the covers frightened, wondering if my grandfather will come tonight to bring me a glass of water.

Right then, I hear my grandpa turn the knob and I know the real monster has arrived.

[mrsmica]

I vote for the second one.

[zcarter80]

me too, i was just kind of torn on it because in the first he isnt afraid of shadows or monsters but in the end he fears grandpa more. but the 2nd has that heightened fear all throughout.

[darkladyhalcyon]

It is a very beautifully written piece despite the story. I definitely would vote for version one because of the economy of words. And it shows that things that should frighten a little boy "under normal circumstances" don't but that things that shouldn't frighten him do.

[zcarter80]

that was what i was going for in the piece in its original draft. thanks for the feedback guys. i have a child and i know that subject matter is off putting but i would put my kid in a room full of demons for a week before i put her in a room with 1 pedophile for a half hour. so this is more "scary " to me.

[uncre8d1]

I agree with DLHalcyon, I prefer the first one for the same reasons. Also, in the second one the "" around the word 'real' seems out of place.

[mrsmica]

I found the end in version one confusing. I wasn't sure that you meant the real monster was grandpa. In both versions it sounded like the monster was frightening him and in the first version it's more confusing at first as to whether or not he wants his grandpa to come.

[zcarter80]

i wrote it so his grandpa coming in seemed like a normal occurrence, which it is and you are meant to assume is something innocent but in the end you see that even though its routine it is definitely not a wanted visit. how would you have changed it to make it clearer?

[InfernoFudd]

Really horrifying, mate! The second one has a little more punch to the ending.

[GaryB]

Love this, and chose it after reading many others for my vigin post!

1st version without a doubt. "...wondering if my grandfather will bring me a glass of water tonight when I see something move..." made me fear for a kindly old grandpa. The monster might get him. Then the twist hit me between the eyes. Awesome.

The second version loses that. "...I cower under the covers frightened, wondering if my grandfather will come tonight to bring me a glass of water." It seems more like grandpa may dispel the monster; not as scary, and too close to the twist.

I don't like "real" in quotes either way. Don't need to hit us over the head. We get it.

I also like the flow and phrasing better in the first version. Either way, Nicely done.

[strawman]

Mr. Carter, have you developed a praisebot?

No?

Okay, GaryB. Welcome aboard.

[Phenopath]

Good drabbling, I vote number #2 since it has a slicker ending.

[zcarter80]

im actually surprised that of all the posts the only thing everyone seems to agree on is the quotation on real (which is "gone" now). seeing the way a few words can kind of push an audience when you see the alternative version of whats being presented kind of makes me glad i posted both. they both seem to be liked in different ways so thanks for all the love so far. and as for you Mr. Gary B I thank you for your interest and your comments as well as look forward to your drabbles in the near future.