Some Monsters May Tuck You In

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zcarter80
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Some Monsters May Tuck You In

Post by zcarter80 » Mon Jan 31, 2011 5:44 am

WARNING!!! The following drabble was written in 2 versions and has some darker themes but I would like a little feedback to see which version is better written, if you guys can manage it. Thanks in advance.

Some Monsters May Tuck You In (Version 1)


Shadows dance in the moon light coming in through my window.

The shapes they make look like animals I’ve seen at the zoo but they don’t scare me.

A giraffe by the dresser, a lion at the foot of the bed, even a penguin on the table.

I snuggle under the covers, wondering if my grandfather will bring me a glass of water tonight when I see something move behind the gaping closet door.

The creature’s scales shine and eyes glow silver between my clothes but I hear my grandpa turn the knob and I know the real monster’s arrived.


Some Monsters May Tuck You In (version 2)

Shadows dance in the moon light coming in through my window.

The shapes they make look like animals I’ve seen at the zoo.

An alligator by the dresser, a lion at the foot of the bed, even a penguin on the nightstand.

I see something move behind the gaping closet door.

The creature’s scales shine and eyes glow silver between clothes hangers as I cower under the covers frightened, wondering if my grandfather will come tonight to bring me a glass of water.

Right then, I hear my grandpa turn the knob and I know the real monster has arrived.
If I wrote it you can read it unless you sound like Fran Drescher.

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mrsmica
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Re: Some Monsters May Tuck You In

Post by mrsmica » Mon Jan 31, 2011 1:33 pm

I vote for the second one.

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zcarter80
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Re: Some Monsters May Tuck You In

Post by zcarter80 » Mon Jan 31, 2011 9:31 pm

me too, i was just kind of torn on it because in the first he isnt afraid of shadows or monsters but in the end he fears grandpa more. but the 2nd has that heightened fear all throughout.
If I wrote it you can read it unless you sound like Fran Drescher.

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darkladyhalcyon
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Re: Some Monsters May Tuck You In

Post by darkladyhalcyon » Tue Feb 01, 2011 5:32 am

It is a very beautifully written piece despite the story. I definitely would vote for version one because of the economy of words. And it shows that things that should frighten a little boy "under normal circumstances" don't but that things that shouldn't frighten him do.

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zcarter80
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Re: Some Monsters May Tuck You In

Post by zcarter80 » Tue Feb 01, 2011 6:12 am

that was what i was going for in the piece in its original draft. thanks for the feedback guys. i have a child and i know that subject matter is off putting but i would put my kid in a room full of demons for a week before i put her in a room with 1 pedophile for a half hour. so this is more "scary " to me.
If I wrote it you can read it unless you sound like Fran Drescher.

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Re: Some Monsters May Tuck You In

Post by uncre8d1 » Tue Feb 01, 2011 5:12 pm

I agree with DLHalcyon, I prefer the first one for the same reasons. Also, in the second one the "" around the word 'real' seems out of place.
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mrsmica
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Re: Some Monsters May Tuck You In

Post by mrsmica » Tue Feb 01, 2011 6:48 pm

I found the end in version one confusing. I wasn't sure that you meant the real monster was grandpa. In both versions it sounded like the monster was frightening him and in the first version it's more confusing at first as to whether or not he wants his grandpa to come.

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zcarter80
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Re: Some Monsters May Tuck You In

Post by zcarter80 » Thu Feb 03, 2011 6:45 am

i wrote it so his grandpa coming in seemed like a normal occurrence, which it is and you are meant to assume is something innocent but in the end you see that even though its routine it is definitely not a wanted visit. how would you have changed it to make it clearer?
If I wrote it you can read it unless you sound like Fran Drescher.

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InfernoFudd
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Re: Some Monsters May Tuck You In

Post by InfernoFudd » Thu Feb 03, 2011 10:45 pm

Really horrifying, mate! The second one has a little more punch to the ending.

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Re: Some Monsters May Tuck You In

Post by GaryB » Fri Feb 04, 2011 6:16 am

Love this, and chose it after reading many others for my vigin post!

1st version without a doubt. "...wondering if my grandfather will bring me a glass of water tonight when I see something move..." made me fear for a kindly old grandpa. The monster might get him. Then the twist hit me between the eyes. Awesome.

The second version loses that. "...I cower under the covers frightened, wondering if my grandfather will come tonight to bring me a glass of water." It seems more like grandpa may dispel the monster; not as scary, and too close to the twist.

I don't like "real" in quotes either way. Don't need to hit us over the head. We get it.

I also like the flow and phrasing better in the first version. Either way, Nicely done.

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Re: Some Monsters May Tuck You In

Post by strawman » Fri Feb 04, 2011 12:16 pm

Mr. Carter, have you developed a praisebot?

No?

Okay, GaryB. Welcome aboard.
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Re: Some Monsters May Tuck You In

Post by Phenopath » Sat Feb 05, 2011 11:55 pm

Good drabbling, I vote number #2 since it has a slicker ending.
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zcarter80
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Re: Some Monsters May Tuck You In

Post by zcarter80 » Sun Feb 06, 2011 5:54 am

im actually surprised that of all the posts the only thing everyone seems to agree on is the quotation on real (which is "gone" now). seeing the way a few words can kind of push an audience when you see the alternative version of whats being presented kind of makes me glad i posted both. they both seem to be liked in different ways so thanks for all the love so far. and as for you Mr. Gary B I thank you for your interest and your comments as well as look forward to your drabbles in the near future.
If I wrote it you can read it unless you sound like Fran Drescher.

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