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Poked to death

Posted: Fri Feb 18, 2011 10:09 pm
by jay4
Machine of Death! What a hoax. This idiotic box steals your $20, stabs you with a pin and supposedly reads your future. Hah! It can't predict your future any better than a two-bit carnival scale. I tell you it's a fraud and I'm going to disprove it. I've managed to secure a large grant to help me and I'm well along the way. All it'll take is one time, one piece of paper that's different than the previous predictions, and I'll have my proof. So far all I've gotten out of it is "poked to death" but I'm still trying.

Re: Poked to death

Posted: Sat Feb 19, 2011 4:41 am
by Mr. Tweedy
I like it. The narrator's obliviousness is just plausible enough to be disturbing rather than merely silly. Good idea.

Needs a rewrite, though, or at least reformatting. Paragraphs! It's also a bit unclear what the machine is. "Machine of Death" sounds like a machine that causes death. This machine predicts how you will die. (Yes, it kills the narrator, but that's not what it's for.)

Polish this gem to make it shine.

Re: Poked to death

Posted: Wed Feb 23, 2011 7:25 am
by ventricle
Mr. Tweedy wrote:I like it. The narrator's obliviousness is just plausible enough to be disturbing rather than merely silly. Good idea.

Needs a rewrite, though, or at least reformatting. Paragraphs! It's also a bit unclear what the machine is. "Machine of Death" sounds like a machine that causes death. This machine predicts how you will die. (Yes, it kills the narrator, but that's not what it's for.)

Polish this gem to make it shine.
strait up! also, shades of kafka. v nice.

Re: Poked to death

Posted: Sun Mar 06, 2011 3:56 am
by Rish Outfield
Poked . . . to death.

That's how I wanna go.

Re: Poked to death

Posted: Sun Mar 06, 2011 6:13 am
by jay4
Thanks, Mr Tweedy.

I'll set to work on it and see what comes out. This is just the draft that came to mind while commuting to work.

Be back soon.
J4

Re: Poked to death

Posted: Sat Mar 12, 2011 5:13 am
by jay4
<note: a minor rewrite injecting some feedback from Mr. Tweedy. Hope this helps>

Machine of Death! What a hoax. This idiotic box steals your $20, stabs you with a pin and supposedly predicts how you’re going to die. Hah! It can't predict your future any better than a two-bit carnival scale. It's a fraud and I'm going to disprove it.

I've managed to secure a large grant to help me and I'm well along the way. All it'll take is one time, one piece of paper that's different than the previous predictions, and I’LL HAVE MY PROOF!

So far all I've gotten out of it is "poked to death" but I'm still trying.

Re: Poked to death

Posted: Sun Mar 13, 2011 8:07 pm
by Earlobe Grey Tea
I believe the Machine of Death is this one ~
http://machineofdeath.net/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

The idea behind it was that it was an anthology of stories with the premise that there's a machine which will tell you how you will die, based on this comic by webcomic legend Ryan North: http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=675" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

I like this one; it's a shame it's not in the published book.

Re: Poked to death

Posted: Sun Mar 13, 2011 9:24 pm
by ROU Killing Time
I like the new version. This all reminds me a bit of Heinlein's short story "Lifeline" (which didn't predict cause of death, but was accurate on amount of life left...)

Re: Poked to death

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2011 4:58 am
by jay4
it's a shame it's not in the published book.
reminds me a bit of Heinlein
Wow! That's high praise! I blush with honor, ROU and Earlobe.

Jay4

Re: Poked to death

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2011 6:00 am
by ROU Killing Time
You did bottle up the concept of the self-fulfilling (or machine-fulfilling in this case) prophesy quite nicely in a 100 word jug.