To Rend the Caul of Their Heart

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?
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Loren Eaton
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To Rend the Caul of Their Heart

Post by Loren Eaton » Mon Mar 05, 2012 3:31 pm

On the final push, you felt it, the otherness of the baby. Then the overhead fluorescents splintered at her first cry. The scissors glowed red-hot when your husband cut the cord. He cursed, dropping them.

Your dear, stupid husband. He didn't notice how the doctor whisked her away for "evaluation" or the official-looking man skulking in the hallway, hand clutched inside his coat. But you did. You also realized that your torn egress had already knit, your legs grown strong again.

They can't have her. She was yours for nine months. She'll be yours now.

Then you noticed the scissors.
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Dr. Ew
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Re: To Rend the Caul of Their Heart

Post by Dr. Ew » Mon Mar 05, 2012 3:43 pm

Post part ummm... well ...part human anyways
I love it! Especially "fluorescents splintered".. don't ask, I don't know why.
"I believe men should be like Kleenex: soft, strong and disposable."

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uncre8d1
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Re: To Rend the Caul of Their Heart

Post by uncre8d1 » Mon Mar 05, 2012 4:35 pm

I really like this one, but I can't help but think that the last line seems out of place.
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Loren Eaton
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Re: To Rend the Caul of Their Heart

Post by Loren Eaton » Wed Mar 07, 2012 4:01 pm

@Dr. Ew: Many thanks!

@uncre8d1: Yeah, I was intending that final line to mean that the main character grabs the scissors and goes medieval on anyone who tries to get between her and her baby. But I'm not sure it quite worked.
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Re: To Rend the Caul of Their Heart

Post by uncre8d1 » Wed Mar 07, 2012 4:14 pm

And you got that idea across well. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but the tone seems to shift suddenly in the last line. I really like the drabble.
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Loren Eaton
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Re: To Rend the Caul of Their Heart

Post by Loren Eaton » Wed Mar 07, 2012 9:35 pm

You are far too kind. I'm glad you liked it.
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Christi
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Re: To Rend the Caul of Their Heart

Post by Christi » Thu Mar 08, 2012 8:03 am

I don’t like your drabbles, I LOVE them. I wish I could write like this. Sigh! I will keep on practicing.
Loren Eaton wrote:@Dr. Ew: Many thanks!

@uncre8d1: Yeah, I was intending that final line to mean that the main character grabs the scissors and goes medieval on anyone who tries to get between her and her baby. But I'm not sure it quite worked.
Maybe if she "grabbed the scissors" instead of Noticing them??? But its great as it is!
I look forward to your next creation.

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Loren Eaton
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Re: To Rend the Caul of Their Heart

Post by Loren Eaton » Thu Mar 08, 2012 7:47 pm

Yes, that would've been much better. Also, I probably should've inverted the last two lines, ending with the whole "they can't have her" section.

Hey, you're from Johannesburg! I spent some time around there in the late nineties. Really neat part of the world.
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Christi
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Re: To Rend the Caul of Their Heart

Post by Christi » Fri Mar 09, 2012 9:44 am

It's a great place to live! Almost as exciting as Mexico!

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