Feeding Time

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?
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DoctorBanzai
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Posts: 333
Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2013 8:01 pm

Feeding Time

Post by DoctorBanzai » Sat Mar 02, 2013 3:48 am

He collected the pair of heavy pails from the floor; where he’d filled them moments before. Outside, he could hear the chickens. They’d seen him enter the barn before and, knowing in that way chickens do, were aware that meant mealtime.

They moved about, bumping and pushing against each other as soon as the boy exited the barn, his arms straining with the weight of the metal cylinders containing the afternoon meal.

He stopped at the fence, set one pail down, and began tossing chunks of flesh and fingers into the mess of beaks and feathers waiting beyond the fence.

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UmbrageOfSnow
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Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Apr 25, 2012 5:37 pm

Re: Feeding Time

Post by UmbrageOfSnow » Sat Mar 02, 2013 10:10 pm

I love the concept of this story. The flesh eating chickens are wonderful. The final paragraph is awesome. But the first two seem a bit repetitive in the wording and awkwardly phrased, they could use some polish.

Specifically, the "they" in the 2nd paragraph is unclear what it is referring to, and you repeat the word "before" in the first paragraph. The last line of the first paragraph reads the most awkwardly to me, phrasing-wise.

I hope you don't mind my attempt at constructive criticism, I love the concept, and no one had commented on this one. I thought it deserved some attention.

DoctorBanzai
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Posts: 333
Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2013 8:01 pm

Re: Feeding Time

Post by DoctorBanzai » Sun Mar 03, 2013 12:10 am

Appreciate the feedback, Umbrage. I'm happy to have it. After all, that's why we're all here. Physically, on the forum, not metaphorically, I mean.

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