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Perspective

Posted: Wed May 01, 2013 6:50 pm
by chemistryguy
The day of my transition had arrived. My brother drew me to his side.

“Brother,” says he, “the journey on which you about to embark upon is filled with dangers.”

“Is it?” I reply. I feel my composure slip as I bite back a sob.

“Fear not. Listen to the words of your elders, but do not take too much stock in any one person. Do not lose yourself in your quest to discover who you are.”

His words confuse me, but provide comfort as well.

He takes my hand into his, and together we walk into my kindergarten classroom.

Re: Perspective

Posted: Wed May 01, 2013 7:27 pm
by Varda
Charming and adorable! Love it.

Re: Perspective

Posted: Wed May 01, 2013 10:29 pm
by strawman
chemistryguy wrote:
“Brother,” says he, “the journey on which you about to embark upon is filled with dangers.”
"On which...upon" is redundant. Need to drop either one here and add one elsewhere.

Re: Perspective

Posted: Thu May 02, 2013 3:55 pm
by chemistryguy
Thanks for the advice Strawman

Re: Perspective

Posted: Thu May 02, 2013 6:58 pm
by strawman
chemistryguy wrote: His words confuse me...
*facepalm*
Me too. Also there be a milk carton somewhere with a picture of a missing verb on it.

Re: Perspective

Posted: Fri May 03, 2013 12:00 pm
by chemistryguy
strawman wrote:
chemistryguy wrote: His words confuse me...
*facepalm*
Me too. Also there be a milk carton somewhere with a picture of a missing verb on it.

?

That makes three of us.

Re: Perspective

Posted: Fri May 03, 2013 12:28 pm
by strawman
It is a most cleverly disguised missing verb., so much so that it is suggestive of an opticle illusion or magic trick. That's why the *facepalm*. I will give you one more chance to read the sentence word by word to get the *facepalm* revelation.

Then we will have a beer and wonder what just happened.

file:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/Administrator/Desktop/images%20(1).jpg

Re: Perspective

Posted: Fri May 03, 2013 12:43 pm
by Varda
...do not take too much stock in any one person.
Take=put/place? Unless he's talking about IRAs. I hear it's never to early to start saving for retirement.

Re: Perspective

Posted: Fri May 03, 2013 3:30 pm
by chemistryguy
I tried, honest I did. I was ready to acquiesce, but before doing so, I consulted the all-powerful Google for the phrase "missing verb" and "sentence".

It's at the point where the discussion leads to the words "prepositional phrase" and "modifying clause" and "subordinate clause" when my brain shuts down. I have a mind block when it comes to the fine details of good writing, but I'm ok with that. But I appreciate your attempts to break through.

Just one question before we go for that beer. Would this work?

His words confused me, but they provided comfort as well.


It sounds "more correct", but of course I was shooting for brevity with the initial sentence.
place too much stock
Yes, thank you.

Re: Perspective

Posted: Fri May 03, 2013 4:16 pm
by strawman
“Brother,” says he, “the journey on which you about to embark upon is filled with dangers.”

Looking closely, ask yourself if there isn't something about the phrase "you about" that isn't somewhat ebonic.

All together now:

*facepalm*

Yeungling okay with you?

Re: Perspective

Posted: Fri May 03, 2013 5:29 pm
by chemistryguy
ebonic
Quite.
Yeungling
S'good.

Re: Perspective

Posted: Fri May 03, 2013 5:47 pm
by chemistryguy
Because it nagged at me. Perspective, Take 2.


When the day of my transition finally arrived, my brother drew me to his side.

“Brother,” says he, “the road before you is filled with dangers.”

“Is it?” I reply. I feel my composure slip as I bite back a sob.

“Fear not. Listen to the words of your elders, but plot your own course. Do not lose yourself on your quest to discover who you are.”

His words confuse me, but his gentle voice calms my fears.

“Are you ready,” he asks. I nod.

He takes my hand into his own, and together we walk into my kindergarten classroom.

Re: Perspective

Posted: Fri May 03, 2013 6:22 pm
by strawman
The Yeungling really helps, don't it?

Re: Perspective

Posted: Mon May 06, 2013 5:16 pm
by gunsofchekhovia
Dang. I missed the missing verb on the first reading.

Anyway, made me smile. The rewritten version better for have words in the right place, too.

Re: Perspective

Posted: Tue May 07, 2013 1:10 am
by strawman
gunsofchekhovia wrote:The rewritten version better for have words in the right place, too.
Let's get a keg. :lol: