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Where the Consequences Wait

Posted: Fri Aug 09, 2013 8:10 pm
by the-hest-of-hale
Serpentarius sounds like a rad place for a double-date.

I've always thought myself an ungracious host, but I'd bet there are a few million bacteria that would beg to contradict me.
- MonsieurMoustache

Everyday, we relive a double-date in Serpentarius hosted by the stars. While bright, they provide everything, yet, claim to be ungracious. The life which clings to them begs to differ.

Those who emerged from darkness twine together, having been untouched for aeons. As they part, they arrange another tryst by other heavenly bodies. Forgotten, the life below has been forever changed by their meeting.

This new-made life longs for their return. First, life watches and counts. Then, it writes tomes about constellations and calculates where they will align.

"Look, the third planet yearns for the second coming."

"We'll wait there."

Re: Where the Consequences Wait

Posted: Fri Aug 09, 2013 8:45 pm
by Varda
Utterly gorgeous. I got lost in the lush imagery of this one (in a good way), and love the movement between the astronomical scale to the human or cell-level, back and forth in quick succession. The dialogue at the end gave me goosebumps!

A couple fiddly things:
1. Your first sentence doesn't have a verb. Without one, it sounds like a title to me instead of a sentence.
2. I think "new made" should be hyphenated, which normally doesn't matter but it will change your word count. Perhaps making it easy to insert that missing verb?

Re: Where the Consequences Wait

Posted: Fri Aug 09, 2013 9:56 pm
by the-hest-of-hale
Thank you, kindly.

As suggested, I a verb and hyphen only to word more and finally, one-hundred!

Does that work better?

Re: Where the Consequences Wait

Posted: Fri Aug 09, 2013 9:58 pm
by MonsieurMoustache
I now gaze at my abdomen with wonder and amazement. I also look suspiciously at the Earth on which I stand.

I'm loving all these interconnected drabbles we be making. We could create a drabbleverse of slightly connected short-short stories.

I'll admit I read this one several times through, one, because it just sounds nice in my mind-room with my inner-voice-speakers turned to max , and two, because I felt it had a couple different readings. It's a great drabble to read carefully. Very vivid visuals. My mind's eye is bleeding colours into my subconscious.

Now I'm thinking I'm going to have to ask my next date out to Serpentarius.You wouldn't have any restaurants out there to recommend, would you?

Re: Where the Consequences Wait

Posted: Fri Aug 09, 2013 10:07 pm
by Varda
the-hest-of-hale wrote:Thank you, kindly.

As suggested, I a verb and hyphen only to word more and finally, one-hundred!

Does that work better?
Perfecto! I think the new first sentence does a better job of setting the scene, too.
MonsieurMoustache wrote:Now I'm thinking I'm going to have to ask my next date out to Serpentarius.You wouldn't have any restaurants out there to recommend, would you?
Douglas Adams was always blathering about a place called Milliways at the end of the universe. I hear the beef's to die for.

Re: Where the Consequences Wait

Posted: Sun Aug 11, 2013 8:32 am
by MonsieurMoustache
Varda wrote:
MonsieurMoustache wrote:Now I'm thinking I'm going to have to ask my next date out to Serpentarius.You wouldn't have any restaurants out there to recommend, would you?
Douglas Adams was always blathering about a place called Milliways at the end of the universe. I hear the beef's to die for.
It told me so itself. But I asked for a second opinion and the pork was very convincing.

Re: Where the Consequences Wait

Posted: Sun Aug 25, 2013 6:31 pm
by Thomas Daulton
Lovely!
Reminded me of the classic old Alan Watts speech about "The Earth is peopling"...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppyF1iQ0-dM

Re: Where the Consequences Wait

Posted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 4:42 pm
by Flintknapper
Cool spec fic with a lovecraft vibe