Mermaid Sushi

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?
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DoctorBanzai
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Mermaid Sushi

Post by DoctorBanzai » Wed Aug 28, 2013 2:39 pm

It was the neon sign that first attracted the attention.

Beautiful women with fish tails swam around in the tanks behind the counter. They were naked above the waist, their legs covered in shimmering scales that reflected the bright lights casting down from above them.

It was not clear how they were breathing. Presumably through some kind of small device which could not be seen from where the guests sat.

Directly in front of the tanks, as pair of Japanese men in black moved gracefully back and forth preparing the meals. They chopped the fresh meat into bite sized pieces.

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gunsofchekhovia
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Re: Mermaid Sushi

Post by gunsofchekhovia » Wed Aug 28, 2013 4:25 pm

Doc,

I am left feeling unsure whether the last paragraph is a punch line or the story is unfinished. I think the twist, if it is one, should stand out more.

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strawman
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Re: Mermaid Sushi

Post by strawman » Wed Aug 28, 2013 5:03 pm

I don't agree that it's unclear. The image of the lobster tank is very clear.

But mermaids are not really women naked from the waist up, are they? And a pair of chefs in black was a poor last sentence, in which the typo might not be the biggest problem. Much better here to focus on some trait common to sushi chefs, not even mentioning the "fresh meat".

Either that or have a family of diners which includes a teeange boy wants to order a breast, but whose mother won't let him.
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Thomas Daulton
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Re: Mermaid Sushi

Post by Thomas Daulton » Wed Aug 28, 2013 5:49 pm

Definitely an attention-getter! I liked it generally as-is, but I think it might flow smoother in the first person. "It was the sign that first got my attention," etc. It makes things like the assumption of a hidden breathing apparatus flow better if it's an actual person making that assumption, not an omniscient narrator. Then if you shave a few words, a first-person punchline at the end would work better. "It had to be a prank, didn't it? My family and I sat down and perused the saké list."
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DoctorBanzai
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Re: Mermaid Sushi

Post by DoctorBanzai » Wed Aug 28, 2013 7:37 pm

Thank you for the great feedback on this one. I was torn between this format and the first person, but have been writin a lot of first person narrative lately, so wanted to flex my third person muscles again.

In thnking this one up, I determined that it would work much better as a longer story, but wanted to lay this out as a starting point.

I appreciate all thefeedback and comments. The longer version will, I think, be written in a First Person Narrative as I do agree that it will work better.

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Flintknapper
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Re: Mermaid Sushi

Post by Flintknapper » Wed Aug 28, 2013 7:56 pm

proves my point that sushi fanatics will eat almost anything raw! pass me the tempura over raw fish any day.

I actually thought this one was a nice visual.

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MonsieurMoustache
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Re: Mermaid Sushi

Post by MonsieurMoustache » Thu Aug 29, 2013 6:12 pm

Great story, but the title kind of ruined it for me. Bit of a spoiler. Something more generic would have given it that nice clincher of an ending. Probably don't mention sushi in it.

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gunsofchekhovia
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Re: Mermaid Sushi

Post by gunsofchekhovia » Thu Aug 29, 2013 6:53 pm

When I saw the title, I thought Mermaid Sushi may have been the name of the eatery, not necessarily that they served sushi actually made from mermaids. But I may be alone in that.

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Varda
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Re: Mermaid Sushi

Post by Varda » Thu Aug 29, 2013 11:13 pm

Dr. B, this drabble is a fantastic concept, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you might think of doing a second draft. Absolutely love the humor/horror of a mermaid-bedecked restaurant that serves sushi of dubious origin in the back. Reminds me of that restaurant a few years back that got busted for serving actual whale-meat sushi.

Maybe give it a title that doesn't give away the punchline. I like the idea of the title being the restaurant's name. It could be "Ariel's Sushi Express" or something like that. Sounds like it's mermaid themed, but the twist is it's mermaid-flavored.

Wow, I could go for some sushi right now.
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Re: Mermaid Sushi

Post by DoctorBanzai » Sun Sep 08, 2013 10:21 pm

Working on an expanded version currently!

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MonsieurMoustache
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Re: Mermaid Sushi

Post by MonsieurMoustache » Thu Sep 26, 2013 10:13 am

Hey Doc, I did a pic of this after reading this piece - I liked the imagery. Just a doodle. [url http://trickstermongoose.tumblr.com/image/61823395945

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Re: Mermaid Sushi

Post by strawman » Thu Sep 26, 2013 10:22 am

MonsieurMoustache wrote:Hey Doc, I did a pic of this after reading this piece - I liked the imagery. Just a doodle. [url http://trickstermongoose.tumblr.com/image/61823395945
NICE, MM.
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"

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Varda
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Re: Mermaid Sushi

Post by Varda » Thu Sep 26, 2013 11:00 am

MonsieurMoustache wrote:Hey Doc, I did a pic of this after reading this piece - I liked the imagery. Just a doodle. [url http://trickstermongoose.tumblr.com/image/61823395945
HOLY CRAP!

This=AWESOME. Magnificent. Wunderbar. Oh yes, I pulled out the German for this one!
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Re: Mermaid Sushi

Post by gunsofchekhovia » Thu Sep 26, 2013 1:38 pm

WOW.

DoctorBanzai
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Re: Mermaid Sushi

Post by DoctorBanzai » Thu Sep 26, 2013 10:40 pm

I love that picture!!!! Thanks so much for posting it herein!! Maybe you could do my cover art? It's beautiful. I want it!!!!

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MonsieurMoustache
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Re: Mermaid Sushi

Post by MonsieurMoustache » Sun Sep 21, 2014 12:04 am

DoctorBanzai wrote:I love that picture!!!! Thanks so much for posting it herein!! Maybe you could do my cover art? It's beautiful. I want it!!!!

Oh, missed this too. Sure, what's your cover?

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