The Oakbrook Horror (Lovecraft month)

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?
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gunsofchekhovia
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The Oakbrook Horror (Lovecraft month)

Post by gunsofchekhovia » Sat Aug 31, 2013 5:30 pm

I can hear my pulse in my ears. Despite my wearing short sleeves in this frigid place, I am sweating.

The old man lights the torch, then thrusts it forward. The thing hisses. The color of its eyes is... wrong. A color with no name.

He draws his pistol. He circles the thing. It bobs on writhing, slapping tentacles.

It leaps. Four shots. They collapse in a heap. I cannot move.

Eventually, he stands. A putrescent ichor coats his apron.

As we exit the cooler, he turns and chuckles. “Training complete. Now you know how to kill a Big Mac.”

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Re: The Oakbrook Horror (Apprentice Theme / Lovecraft Theme)

Post by Varda » Sun Sep 01, 2013 1:58 pm

Perfecto. Personally I would love to see "kill" become "murder" in that last sentence. As in the saying, "Boy, I could really murder a Big Mac right now!"
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Re: The Oakbrook Horror (Apprentice Theme / Lovecraft Theme)

Post by gunsofchekhovia » Sun Sep 01, 2013 4:58 pm

Thanks, Varda! I'm not so sure on this one. I really liked the way it flowed when it was around 300 words, and I feel like I lost too much trimming it down to drabble size. But nobody wants to read a 300-word story. :cry:

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Re: The Oakbrook Horror (Apprentice Theme / Lovecraft Theme)

Post by Thomas Daulton » Mon Sep 02, 2013 9:39 am

In general I really like this one. I don't know how it read at 300 words, but I like the way it flows -- leaving a few strategic gaps in the narrative was Lovecraft's style, of course... the only thing that was at first a bit jarring was the choice of a Big Mac as the antagonist. Now, don't get me wrong, I think the Big Mac is a horrific creature, it's just that it took me a moment to realize you were implying a Big Mac had eyes and tentacles. I've eaten some bad fast food in my day, but never any with tentacles. That stuff is reserved for high-end sushi places ( viewtopic.php?f=10&t=5020 ).

My suggestion -- which may or may not be an improvement -- would be to make the antagonist a Chicken McNugget. It's a fine distinction, but at least the name itself, Chicken McNugget, implies that the food was alive at some point in the past. That may help the reader understand at a visceral level, more quickly, that the antagonist is a living creature. And I recall an ad campaign by some competing fast-food places, wondering where the McNuggets are on a chicken, which is a little reminiscent of your basic idea. Just somehow, all in all, I could more readily believe a Chicken McNugget had eyes and tentacles.
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Re: The Oakbrook Horror (Apprentice Theme / Lovecraft Theme)

Post by strawman » Mon Sep 02, 2013 10:38 am

...And with the McNugget, your conclusion could be, "And now you know how to choke a chicken."
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Re: The Oakbrook Horror (Apprentice Theme / Lovecraft Theme)

Post by Varda » Mon Sep 02, 2013 12:33 pm

Thomas Daulton wrote:wondering where the McNuggets are on a chicken
Ye gods! Anyone remember the McNugget-producing tentacle monster in Margaret Atwood's "Oryx and Crake"?

...so much for all those years of expensive therapy... :shock:
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Re: The Oakbrook Horror (Apprentice Theme / Lovecraft Theme)

Post by Flintknapper » Wed Sep 04, 2013 8:31 pm

why does this always happen when I visit a fast food joint?

Made me laugh... and not just the story, but the dialogue after it. Are we really debating whether a chicken nugget or a big mac is more likely to have tentacles? lol

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Re: The Oakbrook Horror (Apprentice Theme / Lovecraft Theme)

Post by gunsofchekhovia » Thu Sep 05, 2013 2:11 am

Many thanks, all!

Thomas, my idea was not necessarily that this thing was to be eaten whole, but rather that this eldritch meat source was what Big Macs are made from. Alas, I couldn't really cram that into 100 words, which is part of why I feel it's an unsuccessful drabble. I agree that Chicken McNuggets bear little resemblance to actual chicken, but having eaten my share of actual beef, I'm pretty sure there's none of that in any burger McDonald's sells. Every time this topic comes up, I remember the Jack In The Box ad for their sirloin burgers (which I'm sure don't contain any sirloin either) and an exec asking Jack to demonstrate the "Angus" region of the cow where a competitor's "Angus burgers" come from, and the horrified look on Jack's face.

strawman, womp-womp. We are inundated with innuendo.

Varda, I just read that. Nightmarish and amazing.

Flintknapper, yes. Yes, we are.

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Re: The Oakbrook Horror (Apprentice Theme / Lovecraft Theme)

Post by MockGuffin » Wed Sep 25, 2013 4:40 am

Having worked at McDonalds, I can appreciate this. Good job.

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Re: The Oakbrook Horror (Apprentice Theme / Lovecraft Theme)

Post by Algernon Sydney is Dead » Wed Sep 25, 2013 5:22 am

gunsofchekhovia wrote:Eventually, he stands. A putrescent ichor coats his apron.
I'd change this to "Special sauce". :wink:

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Re: The Oakbrook Horror (Apprentice Theme / Lovecraft Theme)

Post by strawman » Wed Sep 25, 2013 11:41 am

Algernon Sydney is Dead wrote: I'd change this to "Special sauce". :wink:
Imagine if Lovecraft could see this. ("Who is Big Mack?")
Imagine the jingle with "Two all-beef patties, putrescent ichor, lettuce, cheese..."
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Re: The Oakbrook Horror (Apprentice Theme / Lovecraft Theme)

Post by Algernon Sydney is Dead » Wed Sep 25, 2013 12:00 pm

Sadly, two many of the people around my neighborhood would think that's a more accurate jingle. At least when they are not claiming that they don't watch TV.

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Re: The Oakbrook Horror (Apprentice Theme / Lovecraft Theme)

Post by gunsofchekhovia » Wed Sep 25, 2013 1:52 pm

"...tentacles on a non-Euclidian bun."

ASID, what species of neighbor are we talking about here? Are these the "liked Quarter Pounders before they were cool" type or the "if I can't pronounce the ingredients in the sauce, I'm not putting it in my body" type?

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Re: The Oakbrook Horror (Apprentice Theme / Lovecraft Theme)

Post by Algernon Sydney is Dead » Wed Sep 25, 2013 3:01 pm

They're the "It's not food if it's not 'organic'" and the "It's not organic if I didn't fertilize it with my own sh*t" type. Also, if you didn't get those sesame seeds from a "fair trade" farm, you are way, way worse than Castro or Pol Pot.

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Re: The Oakbrook Horror (Apprentice Theme / Lovecraft Theme)

Post by MonsieurMoustache » Thu Sep 26, 2013 9:09 am

Free-range Big Mac. It's terrible what we do to those majestic creatures. At least McDonald's can breed them now. Old Mcdonald had a farm....eieieoo - and on this farm there were some burgers - eieioo. With a burg-burg there and a bang-bang here - here a burg, there a bang, everywhere a bang-burg.

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Re: The Oakbrook Horror (Lovecraft month)

Post by gunsofchekhovia » Thu Jul 03, 2014 5:19 pm

Bump for Lovecraft month.

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