To My Beloved

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?
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Cymraeg
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To My Beloved

Post by Cymraeg » Fri Sep 27, 2013 3:47 am

There is a song which once heard, cannot be unheard.
Long after the final note dies, it grows like a tapeworm within the mind.

There is an image which once seen, cannot be unseen.
Delight gives way to uneasiness, then to a creeping disgust.

There is a fruit which tastes of pomegranate and also despair,
with juice that bruises the fingers and lips.

There is a flower fragrant of raspberries and decay,
with a thorn so sharp its cut cannot be felt.

My love, you are my feast, my famine.
In your intoxicating embrace I am consumed,
I am lost.

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gunsofchekhovia
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Re: To My Beloved

Post by gunsofchekhovia » Fri Sep 27, 2013 4:51 am

Cymraeg, I love the imagery here. When you say, in the third stanza, "juice that bruises the fingers and lips," it has no literal meaning, but the emotional state associated with it is crystal clear.

The last stanza, though, falls a bit flat for me.

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strawman
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Re: To My Beloved

Post by strawman » Fri Sep 27, 2013 8:28 am

gunsofchekhovia wrote: The last stanza, though, falls a bit flat for me.
Concur. Although doing this in a drabble is impressive, and the piece is lovely I suspect that the shaving and filling to get the count tends to affect conclusions.

While "my feast, my famine" is fine, Beginning with "My love" gives me the sense that I am intruding, "Intoxicating embrace" is tritish, and "consumed/lost" changes from the imagery of opposites to simply either/or.

This here being the Drabblecast forum, I was also expecting tentacles of some kind. So a straight-up love drabble is in itself a twist of a sort. One must remember one's audience, mustn't one?

So maybe you could add a reference to "putrescent okra" in there? :)
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

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Flintknapper
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Re: To My Beloved

Post by Flintknapper » Sat Sep 28, 2013 9:32 pm

it is hard to write drabble poetry. I think the ending is fine. The imagery is good too.

I was bugged by the middle. It seemed like there was a theme with the first two and last stanza. Seen/unseen, feast/famine, heard/unheard. You kind of get away from that in the middle.

However, I will also agree with guns that the third stanza is your strongest from an image perspective

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Cymraeg
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Re: To My Beloved

Post by Cymraeg » Sat Sep 28, 2013 10:03 pm

strawman wrote: So maybe you could add a reference to "putrescent okra" in there? :)
The idea of a love poem with putrescent okra is fabulous. I bow to your creative genius!

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