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Lab Rat (Perfect weapon gone awry theme)

Posted: Wed Nov 13, 2013 10:22 pm
by Cymraeg
"At last," cried the inventor, shrugging off his stained lab coat. Despite his exhaustion, he leapt to his feet carrying the vial of precious iridescent liquid.

Fumbling with the key, he opened the cage and holding the unsuspecting rat in one hand, he tipped the vial into its mouth. For a long moment man and rat regarded each other with unblinking eyes, until finally the serum took effect.

Weeks later he stepped wearily off the treadmill and took a sip from the long metal nozzle protruding from the wall of his cage. "On second thought, animal trials were a mistake."

Re: Lab Rat (Perfect weapon gone awry theme)

Posted: Thu Nov 14, 2013 11:23 am
by MonsieurMoustache
Good concept, but the 'he' was ambiguous enough in the last paragraph that I wasn't sure if it referred to the rat or the doctor (though you had previously referred to the rat as it, I still couldn't be sure). Consider changing it to 'the doctor' to help with clarification. Also, an inventor? Wouldn't this be more doctor? Sorry, I hear inventor and I think doodads and new cleaning supplies, not so much lab coats and serums.

Still, I like the drabble, can't wait to see more!

Re: Lab Rat (Perfect weapon gone awry theme)

Posted: Thu Nov 14, 2013 11:39 pm
by Cymraeg
Thanks for the feedback. I was trying to indicate that the man and rat had switched places, but I can see how unclear that is.

Re: Lab Rat (Perfect weapon gone awry theme)

Posted: Fri Nov 15, 2013 2:24 am
by gunsofchekhovia
Very fun. I didn't have the problem MM had with the last paragraph, but I can see how other readers could. Then again, given the changing roles of the scientist and the rat, even if it's grammatically ambiguous I'm not sure that's a bad thing.

Agree about the word "inventor," though. I get that you are after a classical "mad scientist" vibe... maybe "professor" would work? That has an air of eccentricity about it.

Re: Lab Rat (Perfect weapon gone awry theme)

Posted: Sat Nov 16, 2013 4:15 pm
by Cymraeg
gunsofchekhovia wrote:Agree about the word "inventor," though.
Good call.

Lab Rat (revised)

Posted: Sat Nov 16, 2013 4:26 pm
by Cymraeg
"At last," cried the professor, shrugging off his stained lab coat. Despite his exhaustion, he leapt to his feet carrying the vial of precious iridescent liquid.

Fumbling with the key, he opened the cage and holding the unsuspecting rat in one hand, he tipped the vial into its mouth. For a long moment man and rat regarded each other with unblinking eyes, until finally the serum took effect.

Weeks later he stepped wearily off the treadmill and, whiskers twitching, sipped from the long metal nozzle protruding from the wall of his cage. "On second thought, animal trials were a mistake."

Re: Lab Rat (Perfect weapon gone awry theme)

Posted: Mon Nov 18, 2013 12:31 am
by MonsieurMoustache
Wonderful rewrite!