A Lost Soul

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?
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Bejami
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A Lost Soul

Post by Bejami » Sun Jan 05, 2014 2:16 am

Adam and Karen sat at the fountain's edge, looking at the Angel of Lost Souls. “This was Selene's favorite place,” Karen said. “I miss her.”
“Have they tracked down her boyfriend?”
“No, but what could we say, we never even meet him. All we know is she called him 'my angel.' It's crazy, but I know she's alive when I'm here. It's like she's calling out to me. I just can't hear her.”
When they left, the statue's smile twisted into a sneer. They hadn't noticed Selene's hands reaching up from his garden of lost souls.

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Varda
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Re: A Lost Soul

Post by Varda » Sun Jan 05, 2014 2:35 pm

I really like the basic idea of this. I would love to see a little more subtlety in the execution. What if, at the beginning, the statue is being held up by a bunch of statue-hands in the fountain? And then at the end, the statue can sneer and stamp down on a particular feminine hand that's released its grip and is frantically waving at the retreating friends? Something like that would take this to a whole new level of creepy in my book.
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Bejami
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Re: A Lost Soul

Post by Bejami » Sun Jan 05, 2014 8:44 pm

Thanks for the feedback. It was definitely flawed. Too much dialogue versus the description. I also went back and found I didn't have 100 words after my last edit, mistake there too. This should be more to order, too bad I can't manage it with a first post.

Adam and Karen sat in Centennial Park. They had returned to the Angel of Lost Souls, which overlooked a sea of stone hands reaching up from the reflecting pool.
“This was Selene's favorite place,” Karen said. “I miss her so much. I know it's crazy, but every time I come here I feel her close to me. I know she's alive. It's like she's calling out to me. I just can't hear her.”
When they left, the statue's smile twisted into a sneer. He stomped down the newest pair of limbs, the ones that had so desperately tried to wave.

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gunsofchekhovia
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Re: A Lost Soul

Post by gunsofchekhovia » Sun Jan 05, 2014 9:37 pm

Much improved. I dig it. Reminds me a bit of Neil Gaiman's story "Feminine Endings."

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Varda
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Re: A Lost Soul

Post by Varda » Sun Jan 05, 2014 9:52 pm

Wow - A+ revision, Bejami! That's truly bloodcurdling. O_o
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will write for beer
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Re: A Lost Soul

Post by will write for beer » Tue Jan 07, 2014 8:20 pm

revision is tons better. as they say, the best writing is rewriting.
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