Page 1 of 1

The Stair Step Vendetta

Posted: Fri Jul 17, 2009 11:46 pm
by ROU Killing Time
***
Again with the revisions. This might address some of the issues that were noted in previous versions
***
Alex was orphaned at 7.

His father's murder had been unsolved.

On his 18th birthday he received the plain manila envelope via courier, adorned with a simple logo of a staircase in the corner, containing two thin pages.

A photograph of his father, hanging from a piano-wire like some tormented marionette dancing for the delight of his sadistic puppeteer, and a plain sheet of paper with a name and address.

Alex took revenge.

Later that day a plain-suited agent of the Stair Step Syndicate opened a dossier documenting the event to be left in trust for a newly orphaned child.

Posted: Sat Jul 18, 2009 2:02 am
by strawman
Later what day?
This one needs a redo please, to clarify the storyline/timeline.
Grammatically, "later that day" should be later on his 18th birthday. But then the story is nonsensical.

Posted: Sat Jul 18, 2009 3:47 am
by ROU Killing Time
Well the intended affect was for the reader to fill in the blanks between him receiving the name and address of his father's murderer and the method of his death, where he goes out and exacts revenge.

This act of vengeance, apparently being documented by the shadowy organization that provided him with the information on his father's death.

Who then passed it along to the child of that victim who would then go on to exact revenge on Alex.

And so on and so on down the staircase.

So I guess I need to figure out a way to make that "fill in the blank" part more obvious to the reader.

Posted: Sat Jul 18, 2009 5:00 am
by Mr. Tweedy
Act of vengeance? Okay, I totally missed it. I thought that the Syndicate was some kind of group that recruits agents by killing their fathers. I thought Alex had murdered as his initiation into the Syndicate, and then the Syndicate marked the son of the victim as a potential future agent. The idea that Alex had killed his father's murderer did not occur to me.

Posted: Sat Jul 18, 2009 5:10 am
by ROU Killing Time
Mr. Tweedy wrote:Act of vengeance? Okay, I totally missed it. I thought that the Syndicate was some kind of group that recruits agents by killing their fathers. I thought Alex had murdered as his initiation into the Syndicate, and then the Syndicate marked the son of the victim as a potential future agent. The idea that Alex had killed his father's murderer did not occur to me.
The fault that you didn't see it lies in the drabble.

See the revision and let me know if it comes across more clearly.

(And what's with that Starstep Syndicate, what a bunch of douchebags, eh?)

SDL

Posted: Sat Jul 18, 2009 10:45 am
by strawman
Getting clearer, but some of that due to the explanation. Why not specify whose name and address is on the second piece of paper? That makes the intent of the drabble clear, leaving the reader to figure out that the victim is the father of the orphaned child, and that the Staircase folks get their jollies from voyeuristic manipulation of revenge.

Truly diabolical.
Hereabouts, it's what we aim for..

Posted: Sat Jul 18, 2009 11:34 am
by ROU Killing Time
Yes, it can't be clear just because I explained it. I won't be around to hold every readers hands, and while a delay in figuring out the intent of, oh say 10 seconds before they meaning hits the reader makes for a good twist-ending effect, anything longer means I've made it too murky. (A certain level of murkiness, where you paint in just enough of the picture to have the reader infer the rest seems inherent in the drabble form, but you can't make the reader do all the work.

I'll see if I can tune the elements to get that proper balance so that the diabolical doucheness shows through from the elements that are provided.

Posted: Sat Jul 18, 2009 3:29 pm
by Mr. Tweedy
I actually like it less now that I understand it...

:idea:

Oh wait. I just got it.

So the stairstep guys orchestrate the whole thing. They convince a dude to get "revenge" and then tell the child of the murdered man who the killer was, prompting him to get "revenge," and the circle of life continues.

Okay. That's actually a really sinister idea. I think the reason I took so long to get it was that I expected the Strairstep guys to have some sort of ulterior motive or larger agenda. I didn't think that evil for evil's sake could be their only goal, and so I tried to infer backstory that wasn't there.

Posted: Tue Jul 21, 2009 6:52 am
by alhilton
This is an interesing idea, but it may be too complicated for a drabble. Or maybe not.

Anyway, I see a plot hole: How can the bad guys know where Alex will be living years from now in order to leave that information with the child of his recent victim? They can't put the folder in trust for the kid, because they don't have the info yet to go in it.

Posted: Tue Jul 21, 2009 8:30 am
by Phenopath
alhilton wrote:This is an interesing idea, but it may be too complicated for a drabble. Or maybe not.

Anyway, I see a plot hole...
You may have a point, normally drabbles do not have enough plot to have plot holes. :-)

Posted: Thu Jul 23, 2009 3:22 pm
by tbaker2500
I've only read it now that it's revised, but I got it right away and I thought it very clever. It's a boiled down essence of a good psycho thriller.