Page 1 of 1

Plain Sight

Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 2:52 am
by unseentangerine
The kids in funny green suits lined up to meet the president and his wife. They shook hands and received their gift bags. It was a Halloween like every other. Hundreds of kids lined up to meet the leader of the free world and carry on the nation's traditions.
The aliens didn't arrive in spinning ships or with dramatic ultimatums. It only took them a matter of minutes to cripple earth's order from the top down. The beings from a place beyond our perceptions needed merely to dress up like little green men in homemade costumes to walk openly, invisible.

Re: Plain Sight

Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:55 am
by c_lucio
I love how visual this is. It almost feels like a prose poem in its imagery.

Re: Plain Sight

Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 1:02 pm
by Horrorshow
Enjoyable read.

Re: Plain Sight

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 2:44 am
by unseentangerine
Wow! c_lucio or Horrowshow, if either of you ever want to write on the dust jackets of any books I may write, or serve as job references or describe me to a girl I like . . . This one was a just youtube inspired, gin fueled, offhanded jaunt. Thanks!

Re: Plain Sight

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 5:45 pm
by strawman
IMO, it would be stronger to start with the final sentence, then show us the little green men at Halloween with the President, etc. The "twist" is the basis, and the the humorous methods and nefarious purpose are the pay-off, at least for me.

Re: Plain Sight

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 6:51 pm
by MonsieurMoustache
strawman wrote:IMO, it would be stronger to start with the final sentence, then show us the little green men at Halloween with the President, etc. The "twist" is the basis, and the the humorous methods and nefarious purpose are the pay-off, at least for me.
Agreeing with Strawman. After your first sentence everything else is mostly elaboration. It'd have more punch if you built up to the payoff rather than start with it.

Also, how are you Strawman? Long time no see.

Re: Plain Sight

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 11:26 pm
by strawman
MonsieurMoustache wrote: Also, how are you Strawman? Long time no see.
Where were you looking?
I must say it's easier to hide here with all these cat stories coming in. I love it!

Re: Plain Sight

Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2014 4:02 am
by PB&Jellyphish320
I agree with strawman and monsieurmoustache about shuffling around the order. Besides that you've got a pretty charming little Halloween story.