Page 1 of 1

Pay it Forward

Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 9:49 am
by c_lucio
Blake pulled a Sacagawea dollar from his pocket and put it in the ferryman’s palm. Collins fished in his pockets and found nothing. The ferryman tapped his foot, waiting.

“Hurry up and pay the man,” Blake said.

Collins looked up sheepishly. “How much is it, exactly?” he asked.

“Anything shiny will do,” the ferryman answered.

Collins reached into the hole in his chest and pulled out the bullet, handing it to the ferryman who nodded in approval. Collins glanced over his shoulder, digging out the second bullet. “For the person behind me,” he said. The line was stretching quite long.

Re: Pay it Forward

Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 1:01 pm
by Horrorshow
Well written.

Re: Pay it Forward

Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 3:05 pm
by bounceswoosh
Haunting. I immediately started building up my own story of how he must have died.

Re: Pay it Forward

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 12:10 am
by c_lucio
Thank you both!

Re: Pay it Forward

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 12:28 am
by MonsieurMoustache
Yikes. Instantly paints a thousand possible events. But I'm also wondering what Charon does with all that shiny. Is he like a magpie?

Very good drabble. If I may make a suggestion for improvement, some words are repeated a few times. 'The Ferryman' is used 5 times, and I feel it would be stronger and give you a chance to suggest more about the character to use a different way to refer to him. Also, 'behind' is used twice in close conjunction in the last paragraph.

Re: Pay it Forward

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 6:35 am
by c_lucio
MonsieurMoustache wrote:If I may make a suggestion for improvement, some words are repeated a few times. 'The Ferryman' is used 5 times, and I feel it would be stronger and give you a chance to suggest more about the character to use a different way to refer to him. Also, 'behind' is used twice in close conjunction in the last paragraph.
I'm taking that to heart. This is the first drabble I've written that I feel any sense of satisfaction with, so I'm still learning the intricacies of the form.

A quick edit for now gets rid of the "behind"; the ferryman issue I'll have to keep working on.

Re: Pay it Forward

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 11:53 am
by SpareInch
c_lucio wrote:
MonsieurMoustache wrote:If I may make a suggestion for improvement, some words are repeated a few times. 'The Ferryman' is used 5 times, and I feel it would be stronger and give you a chance to suggest more about the character to use a different way to refer to him. Also, 'behind' is used twice in close conjunction in the last paragraph.
I'm taking that to heart. This is the first drabble I've written that I feel any sense of satisfaction with, so I'm still learning the intricacies of the form.

A quick edit for now gets rid of the "behind"; the ferryman issue I'll have to keep working on.

If only all our behinds could be reduced so easily.