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Another Inhabitant [Category: Truth Seeker]

Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 4:02 pm
by Horrorshow
The old drugs didn’t do it anymore; they couldn‘t take her home.

She needed The King and not her syringe or a roach clip.

He’d only come when she entertained a client in a road side motel or at a truck stop while wearing her waning yellow stilettos. Then he’d appear, under the black stars and strange moons of an unearthly sky.

And then she could see. Through cold bleeding tears she could see that which she couldn‘t before: dimming twin suns sinking into a misty lake on whose shore stood The King’s black domed city and her future home.

Re: Another Inhabitant [Category: Truth Seeker]

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 12:08 am
by c_lucio
With your avatar, I was reminded immediately of Hastur. But I also have to admit: drugs, motels, and The King? I think of Elvis too.

Between Elvis and Hastur, one of those associations makes me smile, and the other one terrifies me. I'm not sure which is which.

Re: Another Inhabitant [Category: Truth Seeker]

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 6:28 pm
by Horrorshow
Ladies and gentlemen, Hastur has left the building.

I really appreciate your comments, c_lucio. Thanks for taking the time to read and post.

Re: Another Inhabitant [Category: Truth Seeker]

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 6:47 pm
by MonsieurMoustache
Quite beautiful. It took me a couple reads to really understand what was going on, but the text is very lyrical. I feel it might benefit from a little formatting to control the pacing, so it doesn't come at you like a brick wall of text. It'll help give certain lines punch, too. I took the liberty of adding a colon to correct the sentence fragment at the end.
Horrorshow wrote:
The old drugs didn’t do it anymore; they couldn‘t take her home.

She needed The King and not her syringe or a roach clip.

He’d only come when she entertained a client in a road side motel or at a truck stop while wearing her waning yellow stilettos. Then he’d appear, under the black stars and strange moons of an unearthly sky.

And then she could see. Through cold bleeding tears she could see that which she couldn‘t before: dimming twin suns sinking into a misty lake on whose shore stood The King’s black domed city and her future home.

Re: Another Inhabitant [Category: Truth Seeker]

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2014 7:03 pm
by Horrorshow
Hi MonsieurMoustache and thank you for posting. I'm delighted that you enjoyed the piece.

It isn't often that I'd write a drabble in one solid block of text, and I couldn't really tell you why I decided to do so in this case. With your permission, I'll make your recommended adjustments. I'm very grateful indeed for your input. Extremely kind and helpful; I'm in your debt.

Re: Another Inhabitant [Category: Truth Seeker]

Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2014 2:14 am
by MonsieurMoustache
Horrorshow wrote:Hi MonsieurMoustache and thank you for posting. I'm delighted that you enjoyed the piece.

It isn't often that I'd write a drabble in one solid block of text, and I couldn't really tell you why I decided to do so in this case. With your permission, I'll make your recommended adjustments. I'm very grateful indeed for your input. Extremely kind and helpful; I'm in your debt.

No problem. I love this forum as an opportunity to improve. I only hope you'll return the favour when one of my drabbles need it. :)

Re: Another Inhabitant [Category: Truth Seeker]

Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2014 1:14 pm
by Chairman Goodchild
Ah-ha! The King in Yellow. Took me a bit to make the connection. Nice. Subtle.

Re: Another Inhabitant [Category: Truth Seeker]

Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2014 11:23 pm
by Horrorshow
I'm very grateful for your generous feedback, Chairman Goodchild. Thanks a lot.