Hitomi Can See You [Category: Halloween]

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?
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Horrorshow
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Hitomi Can See You [Category: Halloween]

Post by Horrorshow » Sun Sep 28, 2014 11:42 am

The authorities announced the search for the missing climber officially closed. In actuality, his body had been found by the Federal Police in a terrible state. Officials decided not to inform the public that the climber had been mauled to death and was missing both of his eyes.

Hitomi was abandoned in the mountains three hundred years ago. She was old, blind and left to die. Possessed by ancient “Yūrei”, Hitomi hadn’t perished. She had instead taken many lives and found that she could temporarily regain her lost sight if she devoured the hot, pumping retinal arteries of the living.

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Re: Hitomi Can See You [Category:Halloween]

Post by SpareInch » Sun Sep 28, 2014 12:08 pm

It cures blindness?

I'll definitely have to try that! :evil:
The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.

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MonsieurMoustache
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Re: Hitomi Can See You [Category: Halloween]

Post by MonsieurMoustache » Mon Sep 29, 2014 6:26 pm

While I like it enough, I feel that this drabble could be stronger if it were told less literally. It's almost like a Wikipedia summary of the story. Two separate articles, even, as there's a big shift from one half to the other.

Suppose you told the story from Hitomi's perspective. Imagine how she might think or move after being blind in a mountain for three hundred years. She probably wouldn't have time for grammar and conjunctions. She'll be very aware of her other senses. Telling the story from her perspective would be like a hunt.

If you took the climber's side, it may be more difficult, but you could certainly bring an edge of the prey to his story.

If you took another perspective, such as that of a police officer, or a woodland animal, or the mountain itself or perhaps, even better, that of Yūrei himself, you can take this story in a lot of different directions.

I think you have something, and if you write another draft I'll be eager for it.

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strawman
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Re: Hitomi Can See You [Category: Halloween]

Post by strawman » Tue Sep 30, 2014 1:40 am

Keen eye.
Most folks would be hampered by having it buried in follicles.
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"

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tibbi
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Re: Hitomi Can See You [Category: Halloween]

Post by tibbi » Tue Sep 30, 2014 7:38 pm

Halloween drabbles and eyes. It's a thing. Scary!
And thus ends my $.02. :)

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Re: Hitomi Can See You [Category: Halloween]

Post by Horrorshow » Sun Oct 05, 2014 12:00 pm

MonsieurMoustache wrote:While I like it enough, I feel that this drabble could be stronger if it were told less literally. It's almost like a Wikipedia summary of the story. Two separate articles, even, as there's a big shift from one half to the other.

Suppose you told the story from Hitomi's perspective. Imagine how she might think or move after being blind in a mountain for three hundred years. She probably wouldn't have time for grammar and conjunctions. She'll be very aware of her other senses. Telling the story from her perspective would be like a hunt.

If you took the climber's side, it may be more difficult, but you could certainly bring an edge of the prey to his story.

If you took another perspective, such as that of a police officer, or a woodland animal, or the mountain itself or perhaps, even better, that of Yūrei himself, you can take this story in a lot of different directions.

I think you have something, and if you write another draft I'll be eager for it.
Thank you for taking the time to read, comment and add advice about my drabble, MonsieurMoustache; it is always appreciated.

The shift from the first half of the story to the second was obviously a deliberate technique. I wholly agree that it might be interesting to retell the story from Hitomi's perspective, or indeed any of the other viewpoints that you suggested. I particularly like the idea of the mountain itself telling the tale. Food for thought! I may have to revisit this when time allows and compose a second version.

Thank you for your support, encouragement and critique. I'm very grateful.

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Re: Hitomi Can See You [Category: Halloween]

Post by pondspider » Sun Oct 05, 2014 5:37 pm

I enjoyed reading this and wouldn't have suggested changes. Seeing Mr Tash's suggestions and your reply, I wonder if placing swapping the two paras might also work. The events of 300 years ago could be described with less specificity, leaving the reader to make the connections.

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Re: Hitomi Can See You [Category: Halloween]

Post by Horrorshow » Thu Oct 09, 2014 12:36 pm

Thank you for the generous feedback, pondspider. I hadn't noticed that swapping the paragraphs around works quite well! I think I prefer the more visceral conclusion of the second paragraph as an ending.

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Re: Hitomi Can See You [Category: Halloween]

Post by MonsieurMoustache » Fri Oct 10, 2014 12:38 am

I do like the new order of the paragraphs. It feels more mysterious and less cut and dry. I still feel like the abrupt shift could be a more fluid transition - something connecting the scene to the legend, perhaps visual or sensual. You could go from the 'eyes' final line to Hitomi holding them, or thinking about how she lost hers.

I often write a Drabble a few different ways before settling on my favourite. Maybe in future I'll post a three-parter from different approaches. It's just how I personally explore an idea, and gives me a chance to evolve it. I'm glad you don't mind suggestions, but never forget it's your work and you're allowed to give me a raspberry and do what you like.

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Re: Hitomi Can See You [Category: Halloween]

Post by strawman » Fri Oct 10, 2014 1:05 am

Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"

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MonsieurMoustache
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Re: Hitomi Can See You [Category: Halloween]

Post by MonsieurMoustache » Fri Oct 10, 2014 1:22 am

What I mean is the original started with introducing Hitomi, and then we saw the body. So we meet a character wanting to kill someone for their eyes, and she kills someone for their eyes, the end.

Your definition states "If something is "cut and dry", it is said to be completed without debate, question, or argument."


By 'cut and dry' I mean we just go through the story without much tension or surprise. This new way you start off and you ask questions - who did it, why take the eyes, what happened, and the explanation isn't immediately apparent until we read the next paragraph. So I would say it's less cut and dry, and more unpredictable. I'm sorry if my phrase wasn't well explained, I was looking at it on my phone and didn't have time to check it over.

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Re: Hitomi Can See You [Category: Halloween]

Post by strawman » Fri Oct 10, 2014 9:58 am

I just tossed the article link in to note the expression is more commonly "cut and dried".
I wondered where that came from, and found it interesting that it was a reference to herbs... which, when cut and dried, are complete and ready for sale.
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"

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MonsieurMoustache
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Re: Hitomi Can See You [Category: Halloween]

Post by MonsieurMoustache » Fri Oct 10, 2014 10:11 am

Huh... I always assumed it was to do with making beef jerky. Or possibly a very violent method of laundry.

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Re: Hitomi Can See You [Category: Halloween]

Post by pondspider » Fri Oct 10, 2014 10:19 am

strawman wrote:I just tossed the article link in to note the expression is more commonly "cut and dried".
I wondered where that came from, and found it interesting that it was a reference to herbs... which, when cut and dried, are complete and ready for sale.
The joys of forums. Reminds me of the trope where telepaths comment on the limits of spoken communication, or of the DS9 Founders' Great Link as some kind of group ecstasy (or something :? ).

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Re: Hitomi Can See You [Category: Halloween]

Post by Horrorshow » Sat Oct 11, 2014 12:27 pm

MonsieurMoustache wrote:I'm glad you don't mind suggestions, but never forget it's your work and you're allowed to give me a raspberry and do what you like.
I'm always grateful for your constructive and respectful feedback. I value your comments and appreciate you taking the time to read and post.

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