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The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 12:32 pm
by pondspider
Jeff had recently retired and now spent many an afternoon on his allotment, lovingly tending a bumper crop of pumpkins. He’d inherited the allotment from Old Jim who’d died unexpectedly a year earlier.

The other gardeners were reluctant to discuss Jim’s demise, and kept their distance from the shed.

One morning, as Halloween approached, Jeff found all his pumpkins carved into Jack-o’-lanterns. More puzzling, the old shed had been dragged across the now vacant pumpkin bed and stood at the other end of the allotment.

He now saw the awful truth: it had been the Night of the Living Shed.

Re: The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 2:25 pm
by strawman
I must say the denouement being a pun was disappointing. Seemed like it deserved better.

Re: The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 3:07 pm
by pondspider
strawman wrote:I must say the denouement being a pun was disappointing. Seemed like it deserved better.
That thought crossed my mind as I was writing it. But the pun-ch line is what I had been working from all along.

That said, now that you've made the observation maybe I'll try to improve the ending.

All the same, as it stands I'd hope for some very OTT spookiness for that final sentence if this ever made it to audio. :)

Re: The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 5:11 pm
by tibbi
Love it was set in an allotment. In the States it would be called community gardening. Not exactly the same as allotments but similar in many ways.

Liked the punchline, but then I enjoy puns. I'm also imagining it said with a large degree of spookiness.

Re: The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 5:20 pm
by pondspider
strawman wrote:I must say the denouement being a pun was disappointing. Seemed like it deserved better.
I try to please :) ... Work of an unknown artist

Re: The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 5:22 pm
by pondspider
tibbi wrote:Love it was set in an allotment. In the States it would be called community gardening. Not exactly the same as allotments but similar in many ways.

Liked the punchline, but then I enjoy puns. I'm also imagining it said with a large degree of spookiness.
Thanks Tibbi :)

I sometimes struggle to find words that will be understood by "English" speakers from different parts of the world. I guess people can always search online for meanings of unfamiliar words. (I do it all the time :) )

Re: The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2014 3:40 am
by PB&Jellyphish320
hahaha! I actually kinda like this one better than the fixer-upper.

Re: The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2014 7:48 am
by SpareInch
pondspider wrote:I sometimes struggle to find words that will be understood by "English" speakers from different parts of the world. I guess people can always search online for meanings of unfamiliar words. (I do it all the time :) )
Yeah, that Vogon to English translating dictionary leaves a lot to be desired, doesn't it?

Re: The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2014 5:26 pm
by pondspider
SpareInch wrote:
pondspider wrote:I sometimes struggle to find words that will be understood by "English" speakers from different parts of the world. I guess people can always search online for meanings of unfamiliar words. (I do it all the time :) )
Yeah, that Vogon to English translating dictionary leaves a lot to be desired, doesn't it?
I vote we all switch to Esperanto. If it's good enough for Slippery Jim d'Griz...

Re: The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2014 11:17 pm
by strawman
I vote for coded Latin.
Things like "Known Some Call Is Air Am" are what I would call deep communication.

Re: The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2014 3:30 am
by pondspider
strawman wrote:I vote for coded Latin.
Things like "Known Some Call Is Air Am" are what I would call deep communication.
I've wondered about that... My Latin is a little nonexistent.

Re: The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2014 6:46 am
by SpareInch
pondspider wrote:
strawman wrote:I vote for coded Latin.
Things like "Known Some Call Is Air Am" are what I would call deep communication.
I've wondered about that... My Latin is a little nonexistent.
I can manage stuff like Elizabeth II Regina F.D. But only because it's on the coinage in these parts.

Re: The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2014 11:54 am
by pondspider
SpareInch wrote:
pondspider wrote:
strawman wrote:... My Latin is a little nonexistent.
I can manage stuff like Elizabeth II Regina F.D. But only because it's on the coinage in these parts.
And there's that stuff they used to have on ye olde red post boxes.

We could go on ad nausium, but I suspect we're boring our 'Merican cousins (and others).

Oh the joys of Wikipedia. There's a set of handy pages for hours of Latiny pleasure.

Fac fortia et patere.

Re: The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2014 2:17 pm
by SpareInch
pondspider wrote:And there's that stuff they used to have on ye olde red post boxes.
First collection - 4:30
Second collection - 11:30
Third collection - 16:00
Last collection 22"00

Hmmm... I guess it must have been Latin, 'cause if it was English, it bore no relation to reality.

Re: The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2014 4:38 pm
by strawman
Known Some Call Is Air Am = Non sum qualis eram = I'm not who I will be.
The French cousin = Pas de lieu Rhone que nous = Paddle your own canoe.

Re: The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 7:21 am
by SpareInch
strawman wrote:Known Some Call Is Air Am = Non sum qualis eram = I'm not who I will be.
The French cousin = Pas de lieu Rhone que nous = Paddle your own canoe.

Ever thought of applying for a job at The Royal College of Heralds? Being from South Georgia won't be a problem, since everyone knows that's a small British island in the South Atlantic. ;)

Re: The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 11:30 am
by strawman
A Short History of South Georgia

Ever since James Oglethorpe established Georgia with the idea of shipping Britain's poor to a place where they could serve the useful purpose of being a buffer between South Carolina, the Spanish and alligators, South Georgians' attitude toward our English speaking English cousins has been ambivalent. On the one hand James banned slavery and Roman Catholics. On the other hand, British slavers pointed out the result was that this gave the alligators nothing to eat but white, Anglo-Saxon Protestants.
A parliamentary committee was urgently formed. They decided to ship boatloads of Roman Catholic slaves to the colony. But these proved exceedingly difficult to catch, since they were hard to distinguish from the protestants. So the decision was amended to specify Roman Catholics from Africa.
After profiting greatly from this trade, Britain banned slavery, voiding the warranty, as it were. "No returns, America."
Britain soon raised up a new crop of poor people, with the help of the Irish Catholics, who took as a mandate Jesus' statement, "The poor you will always have with you". The South Atlantic Island of South Georgia was established to continue the original program* after the colonies of ungrateful poor rejected civilization in 1776.
Unfortunately, the new poor were not so easily fooled. They knew the real South Georgia had no penguins, Sandwiches or icebergs. Ernest Shackleton was so ashamed at having been taken in by the scheme that he died on the spot.
It is not so well known that when Argentina and Britain decided to put on their war, South Georgia was the original venue. The Faulklands were ultimately chosen to save on fuel.

* programme

Re: The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 12:33 pm
by pondspider
strawman wrote:A Short History of South Georgia

(lots of interesting hogwash here)

It is not so well known that when Argentina and Britain decided to put on their war, South Georgia was the original venue. The Faulklands were ultimately chosen to save on fuel.
...and a war [mostly] at sea is so much more civilised.

Re: The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 2:09 pm
by SpareInch
strawman wrote:It is not so well known that when Argentina and Britain decided to put on their war, South Georgia was the original venue. The Faulklands were ultimately chosen to save on fuel.

I mention this only because it has a Drabblecasty flavour to it...

The first action of The Falklands war was for Argie commandoes to capture the whaling station and British Antarctic Survey establishment on South Georgia Island for use as a naval base. This operation going unnoticed by all the worlds media except for one TV news show in the UK called Newsround, which was aimed at kids.

The first combat action of The Falklands Taskforse was a RN Seaking helicopter dropping a depth charge on the Argie submarine Santa Anna as she attempted to leave said naval base.

An attempt by British special forces to retake the base turned into one of the few occasions when The SAS has called off an operation in progress on the grounds of bad weather. And this is the same regiment which once parachuted into Libya during a sandstorm, then decided that all they'd done wrong was not taking the bus instead.

And then, when the base was taken by the British, they were able to rescue the two ornithologists who had spent the whole war making a documentary about penguins for a TV show called Wildlife Showcase.

And all of that is actually true!

Re: The Gardener's Tale [Category: Halloween]

Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2014 2:16 pm
by pondspider
SpareInch wrote:
strawman wrote:It is not so well known that when Argentina and Britain decided to put on their war, South Georgia was the original venue. The Faulklands were ultimately chosen to save on fuel.

I mention this only because it has a Drabblecasty flavour to it...
...not to mention a strong aroma of Frank Key.