Making the Rounds

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?
Nevaneva
Member
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Aug 29, 2014 10:18 pm

Making the Rounds

Postby Nevaneva » Thu Oct 30, 2014 4:27 am

The brilliant young scientist (field not yet decided) slumped resignedly in her chair. Her eyes danced back and forth as if reading the unwritten formulae she was thinking through, not for the first time. It was perfect, the math all checked out. She knew something about this world, a sort of secret that no other did, or even could, for the simplest of reasons.
In the corridor outside, a large man in white turned away from the small window.
“I have to feel badly for this one,” he whispered. “Sometimes it's as if she almost knows where she actually is.”

User avatar
Chairman Goodchild
Member
Posts: 117
Joined: Mon Aug 25, 2014 2:01 pm

Re: Making the Rounds

Postby Chairman Goodchild » Thu Oct 30, 2014 9:35 am

That's a pretty good one.

An issue: (field not yet decided) is a distraction from the flow of the story. It's a bit jarring, and when nothing comes of it, that becomes a shaggy-dog phrase. I'd recommend you use those four words to flesh out another part of the story.

User avatar
unseentangerine
Member
Posts: 207
Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2014 4:05 am
Location: Oregon
Contact:

Re: Making the Rounds

Postby unseentangerine » Fri Oct 31, 2014 7:12 am

This one is good. I wish I had written it.
Many on the forum have asked me, so here's my answer: a spoonful of lighter fluid. And you'll need to wash it out really well when you're done.

Nevaneva
Member
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Aug 29, 2014 10:18 pm

Re: Making the Rounds

Postby Nevaneva » Fri Oct 31, 2014 3:35 pm

Chairman Goodchild wrote:An issue: (field not yet decided) is a distraction from the flow of the story. It's a bit jarring, and when nothing comes of it, that becomes a shaggy-dog phrase.


I'd actually hoped that bit would convey something, but apparently it fell flat. Thanks for the critique, I'm going to rethink how I can handle what I wanted to say there.

User avatar
unseentangerine
Member
Posts: 207
Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2014 4:05 am
Location: Oregon
Contact:

Re: Making the Rounds

Postby unseentangerine » Fri Oct 31, 2014 7:38 pm

I disagree. when I read, A young scientist (field not yet decided), I saw clearly in my mind a bright-eyed, hopeful, idealistic young person headed off to college or from college looking forward like the whole world was before them. And then when you said there was a formula in her head and it was something no one else saw it made me think like she's a genius or prodigy. So when the last line comes and she's a loony at the happy hotel, then it was just richer because it was all in her head, so yea, she was so brilliant in her own mind she couldn't be contained by on speciality. That's what I thought.
Many on the forum have asked me, so here's my answer: a spoonful of lighter fluid. And you'll need to wash it out really well when you're done.

Nevaneva
Member
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Aug 29, 2014 10:18 pm

Re: Making the Rounds

Postby Nevaneva » Fri Oct 31, 2014 8:22 pm

unseentangerine wrote:she was so brilliant in her own mind she couldn't be contained by on speciality. That's what I thought.


Well now I'm torn! This and a lack of actual formal education were exactly what I wanted to convey! Thanks for letting me know that it does come through.

User avatar
pondspider
Member
Posts: 383
Joined: Mon Sep 15, 2014 7:52 pm
Location: Sussex, UK

Re: Making the Rounds

Postby pondspider » Tue Nov 04, 2014 11:06 pm

I agree with unseentangerine. The "(field not yet decided)" indicates a novice / student scientist. When we learn she's not where she imagines herself to be, it clicks.

I'm probably being dense, but I can't get my head around the intent behind the following...
She knew something about this world, a sort of secret that no other did, or even could, for the simplest of reasons.

I sort of get it, but feel like there's something more, just out of sight.

User avatar
unseentangerine
Member
Posts: 207
Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2014 4:05 am
Location: Oregon
Contact:

Re: Making the Rounds

Postby unseentangerine » Wed Nov 05, 2014 12:29 am

pondspider wrote:I agree with unseentangerine. The "(field not yet decided)" indicates a novice / student scientist. When we learn she's not where she imagines herself to be, it clicks.

I'm probably being dense, but I can't get my head around the intent behind the following...
She knew something about this world, a sort of secret that no other did, or even could, for the simplest of reasons.

I sort of get it, but feel like there's something more, just out of sight.


I will go on yet further still. Not only is she in her own little world, but it's actually a really big world. Her mind has disconnected from reality but she at the same time considers her ideas as being more than anyone else could know or even understand. If she is indeed aware of her actual situation, then she cannot accept that what she thinks in not really reality despite obvious evidence to the contrary.
As I hold my cigar, I note:
visual hallucinations, grandiose sense of self importance, delusions, racing thoughts, and dissociation.
I got back to an earlier post when I say, What if you, right now, were so crazy that everything you know in "this world" is considered severely mentally handicapped by everyone else around you but you had know idea you were limited or of anything beyond what's in your head?
Many on the forum have asked me, so here's my answer: a spoonful of lighter fluid. And you'll need to wash it out really well when you're done.

User avatar
strawman
Member
Posts: 5966
Joined: Sat Oct 20, 2007 2:20 pm
Location: South Georgia

Re: Making the Rounds

Postby strawman » Wed Nov 05, 2014 1:30 am

In other words, like MSNBC?
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"

User avatar
pondspider
Member
Posts: 383
Joined: Mon Sep 15, 2014 7:52 pm
Location: Sussex, UK

Re: Making the Rounds

Postby pondspider » Wed Nov 05, 2014 9:07 am

strawman wrote:In other words, like MSNBC?

Hmmmmm..... ponders the significance :roll:

User avatar
strawman
Member
Posts: 5966
Joined: Sat Oct 20, 2007 2:20 pm
Location: South Georgia

Re: Making the Rounds

Postby strawman » Thu Nov 06, 2014 11:54 am

As I hold my cigar, I note:
visual hallucinations, grandiose sense of self importance, delusions, racing thoughts, and dissociation.
I got back to an earlier post when I say, What if you, right now, were so crazy that everything you know in "this world" is considered severely mentally handicapped by everyone else around you but you had know idea you were limited or of anything beyond what's in your head?


A U.S. television network that fits the description. You don't know what you don't know. Count your blessings.
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"


Return to “Drabbles”



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests

cron