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Making the Rounds

Posted: Thu Oct 30, 2014 4:27 am
by Nevaneva
The brilliant young scientist (field not yet decided) slumped resignedly in her chair. Her eyes danced back and forth as if reading the unwritten formulae she was thinking through, not for the first time. It was perfect, the math all checked out. She knew something about this world, a sort of secret that no other did, or even could, for the simplest of reasons.
In the corridor outside, a large man in white turned away from the small window.
“I have to feel badly for this one,” he whispered. “Sometimes it's as if she almost knows where she actually is.”

Re: Making the Rounds

Posted: Thu Oct 30, 2014 9:35 am
by Chairman Goodchild
That's a pretty good one.

An issue: (field not yet decided) is a distraction from the flow of the story. It's a bit jarring, and when nothing comes of it, that becomes a shaggy-dog phrase. I'd recommend you use those four words to flesh out another part of the story.

Re: Making the Rounds

Posted: Fri Oct 31, 2014 7:12 am
by unseentangerine
This one is good. I wish I had written it.

Re: Making the Rounds

Posted: Fri Oct 31, 2014 3:35 pm
by Nevaneva
Chairman Goodchild wrote:An issue: (field not yet decided) is a distraction from the flow of the story. It's a bit jarring, and when nothing comes of it, that becomes a shaggy-dog phrase.
I'd actually hoped that bit would convey something, but apparently it fell flat. Thanks for the critique, I'm going to rethink how I can handle what I wanted to say there.

Re: Making the Rounds

Posted: Fri Oct 31, 2014 7:38 pm
by unseentangerine
I disagree. when I read, A young scientist (field not yet decided), I saw clearly in my mind a bright-eyed, hopeful, idealistic young person headed off to college or from college looking forward like the whole world was before them. And then when you said there was a formula in her head and it was something no one else saw it made me think like she's a genius or prodigy. So when the last line comes and she's a loony at the happy hotel, then it was just richer because it was all in her head, so yea, she was so brilliant in her own mind she couldn't be contained by on speciality. That's what I thought.

Re: Making the Rounds

Posted: Fri Oct 31, 2014 8:22 pm
by Nevaneva
unseentangerine wrote:she was so brilliant in her own mind she couldn't be contained by on speciality. That's what I thought.
Well now I'm torn! This and a lack of actual formal education were exactly what I wanted to convey! Thanks for letting me know that it does come through.

Re: Making the Rounds

Posted: Tue Nov 04, 2014 11:06 pm
by pondspider
I agree with unseentangerine. The "(field not yet decided)" indicates a novice / student scientist. When we learn she's not where she imagines herself to be, it clicks.

I'm probably being dense, but I can't get my head around the intent behind the following...
She knew something about this world, a sort of secret that no other did, or even could, for the simplest of reasons.
I sort of get it, but feel like there's something more, just out of sight.

Re: Making the Rounds

Posted: Wed Nov 05, 2014 12:29 am
by unseentangerine
pondspider wrote:I agree with unseentangerine. The "(field not yet decided)" indicates a novice / student scientist. When we learn she's not where she imagines herself to be, it clicks.

I'm probably being dense, but I can't get my head around the intent behind the following...
She knew something about this world, a sort of secret that no other did, or even could, for the simplest of reasons.
I sort of get it, but feel like there's something more, just out of sight.
I will go on yet further still. Not only is she in her own little world, but it's actually a really big world. Her mind has disconnected from reality but she at the same time considers her ideas as being more than anyone else could know or even understand. If she is indeed aware of her actual situation, then she cannot accept that what she thinks in not really reality despite obvious evidence to the contrary.
As I hold my cigar, I note:
visual hallucinations, grandiose sense of self importance, delusions, racing thoughts, and dissociation.
I got back to an earlier post when I say, What if you, right now, were so crazy that everything you know in "this world" is considered severely mentally handicapped by everyone else around you but you had know idea you were limited or of anything beyond what's in your head?

Re: Making the Rounds

Posted: Wed Nov 05, 2014 1:30 am
by strawman
In other words, like MSNBC?

Re: Making the Rounds

Posted: Wed Nov 05, 2014 9:07 am
by pondspider
strawman wrote:In other words, like MSNBC?
Hmmmmm..... ponders the significance :roll:

Re: Making the Rounds

Posted: Thu Nov 06, 2014 11:54 am
by strawman
As I hold my cigar, I note:
visual hallucinations, grandiose sense of self importance, delusions, racing thoughts, and dissociation.
I got back to an earlier post when I say, What if you, right now, were so crazy that everything you know in "this world" is considered severely mentally handicapped by everyone else around you but you had know idea you were limited or of anything beyond what's in your head?
A U.S. television network that fits the description. You don't know what you don't know. Count your blessings.