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Nightmare

Posted: Thu Nov 06, 2014 10:50 pm
by Lucy Jayne
A cold coffee mug rests between my hands as I sit awkwardly at the kitchen table.

Continuous attempts to blink away tiredness fail. Although I slept the dream exhausted me. It dug sharp talons into my mind, pulling me into a world I have not seen before. A world made vivid through lack of colour. The humidity so real I woke in a sweat, still sitting in the kitchen. Escape was not easy.

From the corner of the room I watch the paramedic remove my wallet, phone and keys from my pockets. My wife cries as my body is removed.

Re: Nightmare

Posted: Fri Nov 07, 2014 10:37 am
by pondspider
I had to read this through three times before I grasped it... at least I think I do :) Nice one.

Suggestion: in the final para, try to avoide "remove" and "removed". Also "my" and "my"... perhaps the first "my" can be dropped?

Re: Nightmare

Posted: Sat Nov 08, 2014 4:06 pm
by SpareInch
pondspider wrote:Suggestion: in the final para, try to avoide "remove" and "removed". Also "my" and "my"... perhaps the first "my" can be dropped?
But then it would only be 99 words.

99 is a good number for an ice cream, but no use as a drabble. :P

Re: Nightmare

Posted: Sat Nov 08, 2014 5:48 pm
by pondspider
SpareInch wrote:... But then it would only be 99 words ... :P
OK, how about this...
From the corner of the room I watch the paramedic remove wallet, phone, mellon and keys from my pockets.

Re: Nightmare

Posted: Sun Nov 09, 2014 2:54 pm
by unreliable narrator
Why would you have an investment company in your pocket? :wink:

Re: Nightmare

Posted: Sun Nov 09, 2014 4:01 pm
by pondspider
unreliable narrator wrote:Why would you have an investment company in your pocket? :wink:
Maybe some kind of dimensional comression has taken place... or perhaps I just meant "melon" :roll: I should have stuck to less exotic objects... how about "giraffe"?

Re: Nightmare

Posted: Mon Nov 10, 2014 12:04 am
by PB&Jellyphish320
I got it on the first run through, and read it again to make sure I was right. Excellent. All my attempts at such stories turn out just gory . . . .