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The Light

Posted: Wed Apr 01, 2015 12:37 pm
by arachnophile
I close my eyes in the coal-black dark, and shiver as four nightmare-long arms embrace me. Her skin is smooth and dry and fever-hot, her breath a soft hiss in my ear.

“You’re sure?”

I nod.

Soft lips brush my shoulder. I shiver again as her fangs break the skin. The venom burns. She holds me as I shudder, then eases me to the floor as euphoria hits.

“I love you,” I whisper.

“I know,” she says softly, from far, far away.

Her hand strokes my forehead.

Her tear strikes my cheek.

A black tunnel opens.

Beyond it, the light...

Re: The Light

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2015 7:39 am
by Algernon Sydney is Dead
Nice tender moment between some ¿dinner? and a spider-ish girl.

But the light is not clear. Which light? How does it fit the scene?

This is only 97 words, so you must add 3 more to make it a DC drabble (exactly 100 words). You could change the last line to something like:

    The light flickered back on...

depending on what you're going for.

Re: The Light

Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2015 2:32 am
by arachnophile
Dang. MS Word apparently counts hyphenated words as two, while your sizer counts them as one. I guess that gives me three more words to play with. I'll give that a bit of thought, and edit appropriately.

Re: The Light

Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2015 2:50 am
by arachnophile
Should have the word count right now, anyway. What I was shooting for with the last line was the (true fact) that a bright white light is the last thing you see when your brain is shutting down. Couldn't come up with a great way to clarify that in three words without being pedantic. Maybe this works?

Re: The Light

Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2015 3:18 am
by Algernon Sydney is Dead
Correct word count but same logic/confusion problem.

Maybe:

The blessed tunnel of light...

Re: The Light

Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2015 4:16 am
by arachnophile
Okay, I think maybe I've got it now. Also, I made her slightly more spidery.

N.B. - this hundred word thing is brutal.

Re: The Light

Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2015 4:36 am
by Algernon Sydney is Dead
Okay, that works better.