As I reflect on my time trapped on this cold, dead mountain I have come to learn what the true face of fear is. It isn't the plane crash that stranded me here. Nor is it even the ghastly act of having to consume the bodies of my fellow passengers who didn't survive so that I might. No, the real horror is sitting on the other side of the campfire from my vegan friend Danny and wondering just where in the hell he managed to find fair-trade, responsibly sourced, gluten-free, tofu human meat substitute. I think I'll eat Danny next.