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Einstein's Greatest Blunder

Posted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 10:33 pm
by eric_marsh
Forfax scanned the list of defects.

The Creator had hacked His creation together in a week. The rules were simple - dimensions had been created, then seas and land. A light source was set in motion and entities formed to inhabit the Earth.

On a whim the Creator had put a spark of Himself into an entity. Consequently it's offspring possessed consciousness. Forfax tweaked the universe as necessary when they found a flaw in the design.

An entity had proven relativity must exist and mistakenly introduced a cosmological constant. Failing to double check the math, Forfax set the universe in motion.

Re: Einstein's Greatest Blunder

Posted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 11:04 pm
by ROU Killing Time
I like it, although I have the feeling that there is some subtle math joke that is whizzing at light-speed over my head.

"Forfax was responsible to tweak the universe as necessary when they found a hole in the design." seems a bit awkward. "for tweaking" perhaps?

Re: Einstein's Greatest Blunder

Posted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 11:23 pm
by eric_marsh
Yea, I like for tweaking better. It's tough to fit things into 100 words.

If you're not familiar with the back story, when Einstein put a cosmological constant into his Theory of Relativity he later called it his greatest blunder. Years later it turned out that the cosmological constant should have been there in the first place and he had done a pretty good job of getting it right. http://www.jb.man.ac.uk/~jpl/cosmo/blunder.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false

My concept is an Angel that ha to adjust the universe every time that we discovered that what it appeared to be was incorrect. So initially I was going to have him rearrange every solar system in the universe when Keppler discovered that the Earth orbits the sun. But the Einstein angle works even better.

The problem is, as I mentioned in an earlier thread, when working with so few words it's necessary for the reader to be familiar with the concepts that the writer is using, because there isn't room to explain them. When the reader isn't familiar with those concepts the story doesn't make much sense.

Re: Einstein's Greatest Blunder

Posted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 11:54 pm
by Foxfyre Recluse
I like how you say

"Earth had been hacked together in a week."

It makes me remember how short a week is and how big the earth is. Thats a very short time for the entire earth to be created.

Re: Einstein's Greatest Blunder

Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 1:39 am
by F5iver
With all the fiat miracles in this story, it is laden with passive verbs: "had been" "was set", etc. Make the Creator more actively creative and use a different sentence structure. The story will be more vibrant. Not nuts about the Angel's name, either.

One example: "Forfax was responsible for tweaking the universe as necessary.." could be changed to "Forfax tweaked the Universe as necessary..."

Another: "Earth had been hacked together in a week." changed to "They hacked together the Earth in a week."

Go through it and try to eliminate as many iterations of "to be" as possible and you will strengthen the narrative.

Re: Einstein's Greatest Blunder

Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 2:10 am
by eric_marsh
I didn't want this to be about the Creator, other than implying that it is the Creator described in Genesis. I wanted it to be about Forfax and his task of trying to patch up the crappy rushed job that the Creator did.

I came up with the name Forfax doing a google for angel names. According to one web site Forfax was responsble for the placement of the planets. That seemed to be about as good a fit as I could find. Besides, the name seemed a bit exotic so I used it. Of course the irony of the story is that dark energy came about because Einstein made a mistake and Forfax in turn was to lazy to catch it.

Regarding the "pop" of the story, I agree that it's a bit flat. I had a bit of trouble trying to figure out how to make it work in present tense and ended up writing it in past tense. I'll work on it a bit more. As I said elsewhere I'm not much of a writer. However I do have fun coming up with a lot of crazy ideas!

Re: Einstein's Greatest Blunder

Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 11:46 am
by F5iver
That's the beauty of constructive feedback. You can have the best of both worlds.