Van Helsing Hunts in New Jersey

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Insomniacagnostic
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Van Helsing Hunts in New Jersey

Post by Insomniacagnostic » Sat Nov 07, 2009 6:28 pm

The sun had set, yet the mall was open for three more hours. I would end it tonight.

The vampire was with a teenage girl, standing awkwardly while she talked on her Hello Kitty jewel studded cell phone. The ancient fiend was carrying several pink shiny shopping bags.

"OMG this is sooo fab! Like my boyfriend? He's totally older? And drives? Meet at Orange Julius after shoe shopping? GTG twitter!"

The vampire gave an exasperated sigh, rolling his eyes. I sprang before the fiend could respond. As I drove the stake through his heart his face showed shock, then gratitude.
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Re: Van Helsing Hunts in New Jersey

Post by eric_marsh » Sat Nov 07, 2009 6:57 pm

Yea, most teenage girls are just twits
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Re: Van Helsing Hunts in New Jersey

Post by Phenopath » Sat Nov 07, 2009 9:30 pm

That was fun.
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Re: Van Helsing Hunts in New Jersey

Post by ROU Killing Time » Sat Nov 07, 2009 10:42 pm

Alternate ending. Have Van Helsing sink the stake through the girls heart... :-)
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Re: Van Helsing Hunts in New Jersey

Post by Mr. Tweedy » Sun Nov 08, 2009 3:54 am

Oh, I missed the "with" the first three times I read it. I was quite confused.

I like it, but it would be better if you built the character of the vampire more. Most of the words are spent describing the twit girl, who is really not the focus at all. I say just give her one sentence of speech and devote the reclaimed words to describing the vampire.
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Re: Van Helsing Hunts in New Jersey

Post by tbaker2500 » Mon Nov 09, 2009 5:03 am

I disagree. You have to build hatred for the girl for the punchline to be funny. I'd argue that the girl is the complete focus, and the vampire is just a stand-in.
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Re: Van Helsing Hunts in New Jersey

Post by Mr. Tweedy » Mon Nov 09, 2009 5:09 am

Pistols at dawn!!
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Re: Van Helsing Hunts in New Jersey

Post by tbaker2500 » Mon Nov 09, 2009 5:11 am

You can have a pistol if you want, I'm bringing a machine gun. :-)
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Re: Van Helsing Hunts in New Jersey

Post by tbaker2500 » Mon Nov 09, 2009 5:11 am

Also, I don't do dawn very well. How about half past 10?
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Re: Van Helsing Hunts in New Jersey

Post by Insomniacagnostic » Mon Nov 09, 2009 5:19 am

I thought of this idea since it seems that in almost every vampire story these days the ancient undead seem to have huge boners for teenaged girls, who in real life tend to be pretty insufferably vapid.
Not that teenaged boys are better(I was certainly guilty of my fair share of asshattery as a lad).
Also thanks for reading!
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Re: Van Helsing Hunts in New Jersey

Post by Mr. Tweedy » Mon Nov 09, 2009 5:27 am

Insomniac: Yes. I don't know why ancient, powerful being always seem to have a such a soft spot for the insufferably vapid. It is a mystery.

Tom: I agree to your terms. You may use your machine gun at half past ten. I will use my pistol at dawn. :P
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Re: Van Helsing Hunts in New Jersey

Post by Mr. Tweedy » Mon Nov 09, 2009 5:52 am

Hey! I just got it! The vampire is grateful because he doesn't have to put up with the ditzy chick anymore! Oh, it all makes so much more sense now!

I guess we don't have to duel after all, Tom.

I revise my comments: Yes, the ditzy chick it important. Keep her lines. But I have a hard time keeping track of who's who. I think part of my confusion is because the narration isn't really first person until the last two sentences. It seems like it's 3rd person, then we suddenly have a shift in narrator and a new character introduced in the final second.

I think you need to establish the first person view in the first paragraph. Maybe swap "It would end tonight" for "I would find him here"? And swap "blood sucker" for "vampire" so we don't have the same character referred to by three different nouns. And, um, yeah, I think I would have gotten it the first time around if it had had those changes. Makes it a lot clearer who's who.

Good drabble, now that I get it.
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Re: Van Helsing Hunts in New Jersey

Post by Algernon Sydney is Dead » Mon Nov 09, 2009 7:33 am

Yes, very nice drabble.
The vampire gave an exasperated sigh, rolling his eyes. I sprang before the demon could respond. As I drove the stake through his heart his face showed shock, then gratitude.
:D
ROU Killing Time wrote:Alternate ending. Have Van Helsing sink the stake through the girls heart... :-)
Works too but the body doesn't conveniently disappear into ash.

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Re: Van Helsing Hunts in New Jersey

Post by ROU Killing Time » Mon Nov 09, 2009 8:42 am

Algernon Sydney is Dead wrote:Yes, very nice drabble.
The vampire gave an exasperated sigh, rolling his eyes. I sprang before the demon could respond. As I drove the stake through his heart his face showed shock, then gratitude.
:D
ROU Killing Time wrote:Alternate ending. Have Van Helsing sink the stake through the girls heart... :-)
Works too but the body doesn't conveniently disappear into ash.
That would make it a more enduring example for others of her fiendish kind, though.
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Re: Van Helsing Hunts in New Jersey

Post by strawman » Mon Nov 09, 2009 11:43 am

Mr. Tweedy wrote:Hey! I just got it! The vampire is grateful because he doesn't have to put up with the ditzy chick anymore! Oh, it all makes so much more sense now!
And there it is...Pistols at 10:30
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Re: Van Helsing Hunts in New Jersey

Post by Insomniacagnostic » Mon Nov 09, 2009 4:53 pm

Tweedy: Fair points, and thanks! I changed a few words and I think that its hopefully a little clearer. Man writing with only 100 words to use is hard.

Alternate ending: I could bear it no longer and sprang before they could react, thrusting the stake deep into the awful monstrosity's heart. "Like, wha?" she spluttered as she collapsed in mid-text.

Further addition to alternate ending: The vampire's face showed shock, then gratitude.
I'm not dyslexic.

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Re: Van Helsing Hunts in New Jersey

Post by eric_marsh » Tue Nov 10, 2009 12:24 am

Insomniacagnostic wrote: Alternate ending: I could bear it no longer and sprang before they could react, thrusting the stake deep into the awful monstrosity's heart. "Like, wha?" she spluttered as she collapsed in mid-text.
I think I like this one better.
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Re: Van Helsing Hunts in New Jersey

Post by ROU Killing Time » Tue Nov 10, 2009 6:54 am

eric_marsh wrote:
Insomniacagnostic wrote: Alternate ending: I could bear it no longer and sprang before they could react, thrusting the stake deep into the awful monstrosity's heart. "Like, wha?" she spluttered as she collapsed in mid-text.
I think I like this one better.
I agree, while smugly noting it was me that identifed the true monster in that horrific tale.
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