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Elder's Journey

Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 3:11 am
by m_a_kelly
With busy hands, the Protectors readied the slumbering gods for their journey to a new home. When the Astronomers observed the alignment of certain stars (according to their calculations) the craft were launched.

The Elder Ones went first.

The Astronomers were certain the capsules would remain unopened until they reached their destination: the planet they had seen in visions.

One of the Elders landed near an island on the new world.

The hatch opened slowly and Cthulhu emerged, stretched his scaly body and shook his tentacled head. He lumbered off to explore his new domain and search for eager supplicants.

Re: Elder's Journey

Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 12:36 am
by eric_marsh
I've been thinking about this one for a bit and I guess I have to admit that I don't quite get it. Dinosaurs?

Re: Elder's Journey

Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 12:46 am
by Algernon Sydney is Dead
Yeah, I don't get it either. This could almost be sea turtles, reptiles on a plane, or space aliens invading Japan.

Any which way, it's not clear why we should care about "Elder" or why it's significant that he started foraging for a snack.

Were there "chewy bipeds" or big glass and steel boxes?

Re: Elder's Journey

Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 2:18 am
by m_a_kelly
eric_marsh wrote:I've been thinking about this one for a bit and I guess I have to admit that I don't quite get it. Dinosaurs?
Sorry, it's something like that but this one has been difficult for me. I'll see if I can clarify it. :?
Algernon Sydney is Dead wrote:Yeah, I don't get it either. This could almost be sea turtles, reptiles on a plane, or space aliens invading Japan.

Any which way, it's not clear why we should care about "Elder" or why it's significant that he started foraging for a snack.

Were there "chewy bipeds" or big glass and steel boxes?
Will need to work on it to bring out the meaning more clearly. This one is a little tricky.

Thanks for the input, guys.

Re: Elder's Journey

Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 3:10 am
by m_a_kelly
Here's a clearer edit, I hope. Wanted to lead the story there without mentioning any names. Didn't mean for him to come off as a dinosaur. I'd been writing about dragons all day yesterday, when this thing pops in my head. Will learn not to rush these things. No wine before it's time.

Let me know if you see it now or more needs to be said. Guess I could drop the name if it comes to it. I'm gathering info for a story on this as well. Something I've always wanted to do. :D

Re: Elder's Journey

Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 3:19 am
by eric_marsh
It's better. I guess I feel a lack of context. These events happened but why? What impact does the unexpected opening of the pod have, other than the release of this being?

Re: Elder's Journey

Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 3:31 am
by Algernon Sydney is Dead
Now it seems to allude to Eldritch gods or some-such. I'm not aware of any dragons with tentacles.
Something like this?
Image
m_a_kelly wrote:When the Astronomers observed the alignment of certain stars (spatially and temporally)...
This is silly phrasing; an alignment is a relationship, spatially and temporally. This is like saying they "observed the spacial and temporal relationship of certain stars (spatially and temporally)"

Eventually, one of the Elders landed near an island on the new world.

Then, somehow, the hatch opened accidentally.

He emerged, stretched his scaly body, wriggled the tentacles on his face and began to explore his new dominion.
Not clear and/or interesting enough. Is there anything special about the world or a reason the Elder should have dominion over it?
Maybe the world has a single, large, tidally locked moon?

"Then, somehow, the hatch opened accidentally." is redundant and awkward. If it's opened accidentally, then "somehow" is a given. Or drop the "accidentally" and make the somehow a bigger mystery.

Re: Elder's Journey

Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 3:41 am
by m_a_kelly
ok i guess i need to work it out some more. will delete that whole bit on the alignment...was going for a right time and placement of the stars sort of thing...

Re: Elder's Journey

Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 1:13 pm
by m_a_kelly
Ok. Another edit. This is as good as I can get it for now. Packing for office party, preparing for BF coming to town dinner. :D If I don't respond to any other feedback on this for a bit, it will be cuz I am very, very busy. But I do appreciate all of the help you guys give me. You're keeping me honest and helping me to grow. :D

Re: Elder's Journey

Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 1:48 pm
by eric_marsh
Much better. It's hard to go wrong with Cthulhu. :)

I don't know why I didn't pick up on that earlier. Just slow I guess.

Re: Elder's Journey

Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 10:40 pm
by Algernon Sydney is Dead
Yes, much better.

Still could use that extra kick... Maybe some reason for us to care about Cthulhu's fate or the fate of his new home. Right now, it seems kind of dry and historical.

Still, it's come a long way with the edits.

Re: Elder's Journey

Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 11:50 pm
by Phenopath
OK, I get it now. Algernon is the new Miss Grimsley (may she rest in hell).

Re: Elder's Journey

Posted: Wed Nov 25, 2009 12:31 am
by Algernon Sydney is Dead
Phenopath wrote:OK, I get it now. Algernon is the new Miss Grimsley (may she rest in hell).
Hey! Some people appreciate constructive feedback. If not, then THEY can say so.

They don't appreciate unjustified and unjustifiable, ad-hominem attacks, however.

Re: Elder's Journey

Posted: Wed Nov 25, 2009 2:02 am
by ROU Killing Time
Algernon Sydney is Dead wrote:
Phenopath wrote:OK, I get it now. Algernon is the new Miss Grimsley (may she rest in hell).
Hey! Some people appreciate constructive feedback. If not, then THEY can say so.

They don't appreciate unjustified and unjustifiable, ad-hominem attacks, however.
I think Pheno meant that as a compliment, ASID.

Re: Elder's Journey

Posted: Wed Nov 25, 2009 2:29 am
by Algernon Sydney is Dead
The tone and the "rest in Hell" sure look hostile.

Edited.

Re: Elder's Journey

Posted: Wed Nov 25, 2009 3:44 am
by ROU Killing Time
Oh, you missed the Eulogy I gave for Miss Grimsley, apparently. I'll have to look up the link.

Re: Elder's Journey

Posted: Wed Nov 25, 2009 11:22 am
by m_a_kelly
History can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cthulhu and here: http://www.hplovecraft.com/writings/. I prefer the latter. He came seeking worshipers and chewy sacrifices.

Apparently, there is more than can be conveyed with merely 100 words. T looks it over, smiles and says, "That's brilliant, babe. Stop worrying it like a dog with a bone. You can't please everyone." And I'm pretty happy with it, too. So, if you hear a sound coming from your speakers, that would be me working on a Qubits set, building a bridge. I do appreciate all the help I got with it, though. That being said, everyone have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving.

Re: Elder's Journey

Posted: Wed Nov 25, 2009 3:53 pm
by ROU Killing Time
ROU Killing Time wrote:Oh, you missed the Eulogy I gave for Miss Grimsley, apparently. I'll have to look up the link.
Took awhile (searching on "Festering" did it. Even so, you'd be surprised at just how many times the word "Festering" appears on these forums. Oh wait, you probably wouldnt' be surprised at that.)

Re: The Beast
by ROU Killing Time on Fri Sep 18, 2009 3:52 am
strawman wrote:ROU, you read Miss Grimsley's obituary last week. A ruling may be delayed until she rises with the zombie horde. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DELIVER HER EULOGY.
Only God can save you now.

o wait, you don't believe.
guess you're screwed.
Did I say I didn't believe? I don't think I said that. I mean, I'm pretty sure I didn't say I did believe, but that doesn't rule out, necessarily, me saying I do or don't believe, or not believe, as the case may be.

Was that clear?
_____________

A Eulogy for Miss Grimsley (of no particular word length whatsoever...)

What can anyone say about Miss Dorothea Grimsley that really captures her essence.

I'm not sure anyone can do the woman justice, I know I can't

Miss Grimsley was like a festering sore to me. An aching, seeping, yay oozing pustule of grammatical acumen. A woman of diabolical wit and predilections, I shall always remember her when I'm taking a shower in the morning... in my wet-suit.

So, fair thee well, foul maiden, may you rot in pieces, my sickly sweet and rotten to the core, Dorothea Grimsley.

Amen

Re: Elder's Journey

Posted: Wed Nov 25, 2009 8:32 pm
by Phenopath
Algernon Sydney is Dead wrote:
Phenopath wrote:OK, I get it now. Algernon is the new Miss Grimsley (may she rest in hell).
Hey! Some people appreciate constructive feedback. If not, then THEY can say so.

They don't appreciate unjustified and unjustifiable, ad-hominem attacks, however.
Of course the comparison is compliment. No offense intended, feedback is always welcome (even from the undead).

Re: Elder's Journey

Posted: Thu Nov 26, 2009 4:27 pm
by ROU Killing Time
Phenopath wrote:
Algernon Sydney is Dead wrote:
Phenopath wrote:OK, I get it now. Algernon is the new Miss Grimsley (may she rest in hell).
Hey! Some people appreciate constructive feedback. If not, then THEY can say so.

They don't appreciate unjustified and unjustifiable, ad-hominem attacks, however.
Of course the comparison is compliment. No offense intended, feedback is always welcome (even from the undead).
And from those who are suspected of being AI twabble generating constructs. (Always best to suck up to our AI overlords.)

All hail Sky-Net.