Dear Sir or Madam:
I bow before you.
I have in time participated in many successful efforts in businesses to acquire money. However, I now find myself in a state of awe before your countrymen, and realize that it is my humble self who needs be the student in this instance. I seek your most kind help in this endeavor.
I am referring of course to the success in acquiring from many World Banking Centers – even from the Swiss, praise God!! – vast sums which you will never pay back. I have read in many Prominent Magazines that you have gained as much as Three Trillion dollars using CDO’s, sub-prime mortgage backed securities, credit-default swaps and other devices. Beside such success, I must consider myself the most lowly-ranked amateur.
Therefore, could you please assist me at your earliest convenience to meet with any of the following: Mister Ken Lewis of the Bank of America; Mister Robert Willumstad, formerly of AIG; or Mister Stan O’Neal, formerly of the former Merrill Lynch. I would also be most joyful to meet with anyone from the Organization “Citigroup.” I understand that even now, this organization is receiving money from the Chinese through means of something called a “Treasury Bill.”
I feel that if I could dine with my eyes upon such men for even the space of a few hours, I would acquire knowledge that would allow me to be in comfort all my days.
To facilitate your expenses in arranging this meeting, I will send to you my bank account information. I realize that I am taking a risk in doing this, but I am risking only my life savings, and given your countrymen’s prowess in these matters, you will probably acquire it anyway.
"Give us all some Jelly"