This is your soul. Because you continue to ignore those gentle proddings I give you, I've had to resort to email. This is terribly crude, but it seems like the only way to reach some people is shoving a message right in front of their faces. So here this is, in front of your face.
You, buddy, are a bad, bad person. I know. I'm your soul. And let me tell you, you're sinfulness is really starting to tick me off. I mean, if you only had yourself to think about, that would be one thing, but what about me? Do you ever stop to consider that I'm IMMORTAL? You'll die someday and then all your sins won't matter anymore, but not me. I'll be in for the big relocation, and, just between the two of us, I'd rather spend eternity up there in glory than down in the other place. Think of that: You're screwing me over, not just in the present, but FOREVER. Have a heart, huh? Some pity on your poor soul?
I know you, and I know I'm not going to have any luck getting you to repent or reform even go to church on Easter. So I'll make you a deal: I'll do some good works FOR YOU. You won't have to do anything at all. Just continue being the rotten slob you are, and I'll take care of the all that compassion and benevolence you're too lazy to bother with. All I need is your bank account and social security numbers. Put them in a reply to this email, and I'll take out just a couple bucks to invest in my own portfolio. With any luck, I'll be able to build it up to a respectable sum within a few years and use it for some serious charity and maybe, just maybe, make up for some of your lousy living.
I'm not asking for much here, buddy. All I want is a tiny little shot at getting through those pearly gates, and I'm willing to do all the work myself. I'll even pay the money back later! Just please send me the bank and social numbers soon, because I really need to get started on this NOW. (All that beer and Cheetos for breakfast is NOT increasing the amount of time I have to work with!)
Why don't I already know the numbers? Well, do YOU know them? No: You've got to look them up, don't you? I can only read your mind, buddy. I can't read the bank card in your wallet. So send me the numbers so I'LL have them and won't have to rely on your soggy brain for reference.
Please help me out here. It's the least you can do.
"Give us all some Jelly"