Emergency request for help
I have only a moment at this terminal. If they discover I have sent this message they will surely kill me. I apologize for the brevity concerning this shocking horrible true tale but I must take this risk on behalf of all prisoners kept here beneath Abuja since 1993.
Early 1993, while digging deep in Okolom-Dogondaji, our miners unearthed a device that had been buried for ages. It was the size of a large hut. They only shined flashlights on it. Fourteen hours later, thousands of soldiers streamed out without explanation and slaughtered all but two miners, who were forced to lead them to the surface where they continued butchering, with weapons beyond comprehension.
The few of us in government who were spared tried to communicate with our captors but soon realized they neither create nor process audio. We relied on sign language but it was crude and they were impatient. And cruel.
We eventually concluded that our only hope would be to teach them enough written English so that we could communicate with them – but not enough that they could pass for humans.
We invented and taught them an absurd form of broken absurd English full of grandiose formalisms and paradoxical spelling errors and prayed that someone on the outside would notice and come to investigate.
So many years had passed that we gave up hope -- until we found this machine with a keyboard. We have no idea who is on the other end of this communication system -- or even if they are human.
I believe that I have created a financial account in their system. If you can help us quickly perhaps we can bribe a guard before they discover I’ve sent this message. Please help.
National Electoral Commissioner
"Give us all some Jelly"