Rev. J. Sleestaxx
There are some days I like nothing better to do than to pull a pair of marlins and go for a walk around the neighborhood.
The only trouble with that is that on warm days I can not get farther that a couple blocks before the cats in the neighborhood start to follow me around.
The sea gulls have begun to hover around my house now as they have learned over the past years that I like to wear fish. And they can get free meals from what I throw away.
Fish fashion is not a widely known trend and in fact is has been wrongly dubbed a fetish.
Fish fashion is not a fetish but a statement plain and simple. It is a reaction to the killing of land animals for their hides and the killing of plants for their fibers.
Fiber wearing individuals are oblivious to the screaming that can be heard in the fields during harvest. The killing of carbon dioxide scrubbing plants for the sole purpose of making fabric is both insane and barbaric.
I once dated a girl in college that was a bologna wearer. And she was the reason I found wearing alternative clothes was fun.
We had dated for about three weeks when she said she had a secret. I am thinking that she was going to tell me she was a man or that she went to my high school and had a secret crush and now she was going to kill me for ignoring her.
Are you a Satanist??
No sweetie I like to wear bologna.
I like to wear clothes made out of bologna. Mainly dresses and skirts because the bologna tears when you try to wear the lunch meat as pants.
“Undergarments too?” I asked
No that would be weird and kinky.
Do not make this into something more than it is.
And so I dumped her. Well I just stopped calling and returning her calls. That was too weird for me.
She married a Greek guy whose father owned a deli or a butcher shop or something. They sent an invitation to the wedding. It was made of olive loaf and headcheese. I ate it but did not RSVP.
Then one day down by the docks I was talking to some fishermen and they caught a tuna. It was small and they had their limit and told me to take it.
Now what the hell was I to do with a tuna??
I was on my way home this fish in my arms looking up at me its gills gasping for air/water. Slowly dieing, drowning in air so to speak. I was feeling the texture of the fresh skin and scales and I realized that I had found my medium. What I needed was fresh fish to fashion my clothes out of.
I ran home with that first fish and made my self a tank top. There was not much to work with remember it was a small tuna.
And so started my fish fashion designing and experimenting with fish.
I started with canned fish which was great looking on the table and on the sewing machine, but when you pulled them on pants or shirt the whole thing began to look like punk fashion. A tear here and rip there.
But I soon discovered that I was not to use canned fish like gefelte fish, salmon, sardines, or even kippered herring.
I was to use fresh fish. I began to obsess with fishing. It was the only way to get the freshest fish. Every day I had off I was down at the pier fishing. And then I would rush home with the day’s catch and work feverishly into the night in the frigid house. I would have the air conditioner going full blast trying to keep the fish from decomposing.
Some days I would get the fashion done in time and I would be able to walk the neighborhood in fish and other days the fish would just slump off into a pile of stale rancid fish meat at my feet.
"Good day Reverend" the teens would say as they stopped skateboarding for me to pass, "Those are some mighty fine fish pants you have on." I knew that they too wish they had fish fashion to wear.
Herring bone? That is mine.