Drabblecast 232 – Valentine’s Day With The Gods

[strawman]

Feature: Valentine's Day with the Gods by Jesse Livingston
Drabble: Each Heart Has its Reason, No Matter How Still by Loren Eaton



Tuesday, February 14th, 2012
The first ‘Go to Hell!’
The Angels did say
To certain poor bastards
On Valentine’s Day;

‘Go to Hell!
We do our job well!
It ain’t who you are
It’s what you can sell…’

On Valentine’s Day,
The World demands Love
With a milk-chocolate fist
In a red tin-foil glove.

[strawman]

Happy Valentine's Day, weirdos!
There may be no better way to say "I love you" than to build a cozy fire to curl up by, and listen to Episode 232, I don't give a damn what the jpeg file name says. Certainly cheaper than chocolates, leopard-print hoody-footies, or giant, lead-tainted teddy bears that will turn your life into an episode of House.

Please humor me here while I get one thing off my chest: As a dedicated DC Slusher, why, oh why! do I never get to read the likes of Jesse Livingston? The exquisite syntactic rhythms, the brushstrokes of pointilistic imagery, marching brave as ants into the gloom, and trying to tame the wretched stillness. I am sure that Jesse made many a creative writing teacher weep, by offering this anathema to Cthulu.

It makes me want to post on the forum the submission of *bleeped for legal reasons* that came in this week's slush. The gentleman describes himself as "one who writes mostly about poop". Some of this stuff just doesn't wash off. (Nathan, we really need to get a Hearty White mp3 file that we can send out to such people to cauterize their creative impulses.)

Okay, thanks. I feel better now.

This is a gem of a story, worth multiple listens. Anyone who wants to write for Drabblecast should study Jesse's style, and Nathan should then send it straight to me, to make up for the criminally abusive stuff.

Oh, and @loyaleagle, very nice 100 character summary of western civilization.

[dromeda]

From the outro:
"We can all agree on one thing: the most romantic thing anyone can do for anyone else is just....have a vagina. Just...have a vagina, folks."

I know, I know, this is a "weird stories" podcast and we were just talking about atheist mantises, but really? I'm not even sure I can get into the full wtf-ness of this statement. There's the "A body part possessed by roughly half the world's population is the apex of romance?!", the "Having that body part is something someone can do *for another person*?!", the assumption that everyone would think that a vagina is a desirable thing to have, and I could really go on.

Really, Norm, I'm surprised and disappointed. The story was great, even if the whole engagement buildup seemed mostly like a setup for the bar scene, and the sentiments are cute. But the outro really flabbergasted me. Shame, Norm.

[strawman]

I agree, and especially welcome you to the forums, dromeda. That was Norm's petitete talking, and sadly explains his desperate solitude on Valentine's Day.

[dromeda]

I agree, and especially welcome you to the forums, dromeda. That was Norm's petitete talking, and sadly explains his desperate solitude on Valentine's Day.

I'm really, really trying hard not to be an asshole here, so I'm just going to say thank you for the welcome and leave it at that.

Well, one last thing. As kind of a tip for the ol' Norminator- Reducing half the world's population to one body part is a sure guarantee that you will never, ever, get within a million years of ever being able to interact with said part.

Thanks again for the welcome, strawman, and I'm gonna leave it there so I don't keep getting pissed off all over again.

[strawman]

I'm really, really trying hard not to be an asshole here, so I'm just going to say thank you for the welcome and leave it at that.

By all means, one must avoid switching fixations from one body part for the other.

[StalinSays]

Also, let it be known that when Strawman shares details of Norm's lonely V Day, that's some Inside Baseball. Take solace. Additionally, I laughed at that part, and will spend tonight sipping brandy with myself and I. Today is a day for justice. And really tacky berry and flowers commercials.

Props to Jerel as always for great art!

[ROU Killing Time]

In all fairness, I think Norm is on record as having poked fun at the male naughty bits as well.

The medical books did saddle each gender with such funny sounding names for our generative anatomy.

I'm not sure, however, that you can categorically state with statistical accuracy that 100 percent of vaginal possessors might necessarily feel the same way about the use of the word vagina. Perhaps there are some that don't feel that they are laughing AT their vaginas, so much as they are laughing WITH them.

I dunno Norm, if you never risk occasionally offending someone, you run the risk of becoming uninteresting to everyone, so as far as I'm concerned, don't go changin'.

[Scattercat]

It makes me want to post on the forum the submission of *bleeped for legal reasons* that came in this week's slush. The gentleman describes himself as "one who writes mostly about poop". Some of this stuff just doesn't wash off. (Nathan, we really need to get a Hearty White mp3 file that we can send out to such people to cauterize their creative impulses.)

You've had some bad luck with the really disturbing ones, haven't you? Usually I detect them with my slusher-sense (I can detect a terrible story from ten feet away, sometimes just based on the author's initials) and take the bullet to spare you guys, but I missed that one. (Okay, I admit it. I knew it was going to be appalling just from the title, but I was feeling lazy and sent it to you anyway. Mea culpa.)

[alhilton]

I know, I know, this is a "weird stories" podcast and we were just talking about atheist mantises, but really? I'm not even sure I can get into the full wtf-ness of this statement.

*snerk* Because stuff Norm says on Drabblecast is always meant to be taken literally and seriously.

Best lines in this one (which I said to myself even before the outro): “How does he hold—“ “He doesn’t play flute, Jim; he was just being polite!”

LOLs

[Dolohov]

Perhaps there are some that don't feel that they are laughing AT their vaginas, so much as they are laughing WITH them.

Which, if you think about it, would be one hell of a ventriloquism act.

[ROU Killing Time]

It makes me want to post on the forum the submission of *bleeped for legal reasons* that came in this week's slush. The gentleman describes himself as "one who writes mostly about poop". Some of this stuff just doesn't wash off. (Nathan, we really need to get a Hearty White mp3 file that we can send out to such people to cauterize their creative impulses.)

You've had some bad luck with the really disturbing ones, haven't you? Usually I detect them with my slusher-sense (I can detect a terrible story from ten feet away, sometimes just based on the author's initials) and take the bullet to spare you guys, but I missed that one. (Okay, I admit it. I knew it was going to be appalling just from the title, but I was feeling lazy and sent it to you anyway. Mea culpa.)

I think I ran into the "writes mostly about poop" guy when I did my stint in the slush-trenches. I'll never question the bravery of any slush reader in general, and the DC slush-readers in particular.

[loyaleagle]

Discussion of outros aside, I just wanted to thank the Drabblecast gods for promoting my little Twabble. Was great fun to write (and my first one).

Oh and I did enjoy the main fiction, though I felt like the whole engagement ring/metal finger thing could have been its own story, as it didn't add TOO much to the second act. Couldn't they have just been young lovers. There could even have been some foreshadowing about cults that worship unspeakable horrors.

[Scattercat]

From the outro:
"We can all agree on one thing: the most romantic thing anyone can do for anyone else is just....have a vagina. Just...have a vagina, folks."

Shame, Norm.

If I may, I think the point of the joke here was that he opened with "we can all agree" and then closed with a blindingly self-centered, ignorant, and borderline crude request. I can grok not thinking it was particularly funny, of course, but I doubt Norm was expecting all, most, or any of his audience to actually agree that this is the "most romantic thing."

The problem with using sexist/racist/offensive things to mock sexism/racism/offensiveness is that one runs the risk of being taken seriously and either actually offending someone or inadvertently giving moral support to actual racist/sexist/whatever buttheads.

[normsherman]

Scattercat's my valentine.

[Scattercat]

Scattercat's my valentine.

If you ever need a joke pedantically explained until it is no longer funny, in fact until the point where the effect travels backwards in time and causes the joke to never have been funny, then I, sir, am your man. Cat. Person. Whatever.

[ROU Killing Time]

Scattercat's my valentine.

If you ever need a joke pedantically explained until it is no longer funny, in fact until the point where the effect travels backwards in time and causes the joke to never have been funny, then I, sir, am your man. Cat. Person. Whatever.

I believe it's already been established that if you want to be Norm's valentine, you are gonna need a vagina, SC.

[normsherman]

If you ever need a joke pedantically explained until it is no longer funny, in fact until the point where the effect travels backwards in time and causes the joke to never have been funny, then I, sir, am your man. Cat. Person. Whatever.

Valentine damnit! tis all I require!!

[whatever]

I loved the story. Between the bit where the finance was showing off her ring to passerbys by giving them the finger, to the movie with a sleeping cat to the line about love being able to "...calm the jibbering fear that haunts the sleepless hours..." I thought it was great. The outro was classic Norm Sherman --- this is the guy who wrote "Heartbreak Over Innsmouth" and "National Geographic Boobs" after all.

[strawman]

Ah, yes, I had forgotten about the Nathional Geographic boobs bit. But how could anyone forget the early fixation on the special place in Norm's "imagination" for root vegetables (Rutabaga), comic books (Uncle Ollie's Gift), and Alien Plans (Code Brown).

For sure, Norm is no stranger to the body part borderlands. But how can you know you've crossed the border if you never get shot at?