There are more fish in the sea (Part 2) - @)) Drabble

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themorg
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There are more fish in the sea (Part 2) - @)) Drabble

Post by themorg » Fri Feb 05, 2010 9:11 am

There are more fish in the sea (Part 2)
By Morgan Olson

Once the shock of the bombing of the homeland was sorted out humanist pride showed it's ugly head.

The body count had came to an even bakers dozen.

Hundreds were injured.

Among the dead were hundreds of thousands of ants and two seals.

No news station covered any of that press.

The Council worked out exactly what happened.

The human who sold the explosives was hung after a weekend sham of a trial.

All Carp banned from fresh water.

Carp Visas denied.

The few carp that had not flead were rounded up and made to process tax forms by fin.

This story is approved by the author to be podcast.
@)) Drabble
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dreamrock
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Re: There are more fish in the sea (Part 2)

Post by dreamrock » Fri Feb 05, 2010 1:13 pm

I think this is the first time I've realized your eco-terrorism idea. :lol: Well played, sir.

"No news station covered any of that press." The word press there seems redundant. There's a kind of rhythm to what you write, so I'm not sure changing press to a two syllable word like "info" is a good idea, but something a bit less exclusively news media related would quiet my quibble. That said, quibbles are quibbles and not necessarily legitimate reasons to change a story. :D

I find stories on screen really hard to read if the paragraphs aren't double-spaced.

And in the realm of nitpicky, there's a period missing at the end of the second line, and on the last line you probably want "fled." Unless I'm missing hilarious puns, which is entirely possible.

Anyway, my complaints are largely technical. It's still great work.
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themorg
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Re: There are more fish in the sea (Part 2)

Post by themorg » Fri Feb 05, 2010 5:08 pm

dreamrock wrote:I think this is the first time I've realized your eco-terrorism idea. :lol: Well played, sir.


thanks, i am fairly sure it was my first drabble, glad you like it.
dreamrock wrote: "No news station covered any of that press." The word press there seems redundant. There's a kind of rhythm to what you write, so I'm not sure changing press to a two syllable word like "info" is a good idea, but something a bit less exclusively news media related would quiet my quibble. That said, quibbles are quibbles and not necessarily legitimate reasons to change a story. :D
i am using the word press in the specific way here. Putting things through a press or i'm oppressed. i agree about the break in flow but after reading it out loud a couple times i am happy with it. thanks again.
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