Don't Give Your Heart Away

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?
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Scattercat
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Don't Give Your Heart Away

Post by Scattercat » Sun Feb 28, 2010 7:55 am

"Your one-month anniversary present," said Boudy.

"A card?" Anastasia's lip curled.

"Open it."

The logo inside was unfamiliar: a knife piercing a red heart. "Congratulations," the card read, "on your new immortality."

Anastasia raised a sculpted brow.

"I wanted to do something special," said Boudy in a rush. "It's quantum, I think. You'll never be hurt again. Go on; try it."

Anastasia experimentally pressed a fork against her hand. Boudy's flesh dimpled. She pressed harder, and drops of blood appeared on Boudy's hand. Anastasia smiled into Boudy's watering eyes.

She slammed her hand onto the stovetop and listened to Boudy's screams.

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dreamrock
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Re: Don't Give Your Heart Away

Post by dreamrock » Sun Feb 28, 2010 9:05 am

Ooooh, bloody, visceral, and demented. I feel sympathy pains in severe amounts.

Quite good.

I was a bit confused by the switch from "Bill" to "Boudy" though. Unless "Boudy" is a third person, which would be good but also confusing.
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Scattercat
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Re: Don't Give Your Heart Away

Post by Scattercat » Sun Feb 28, 2010 10:28 am

That's called "Nathan writes a story every day and tends to lose track of names outside of their initial letter." It's a technique.

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munsi
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Re: Don't Give Your Heart Away

Post by munsi » Sun Feb 28, 2010 11:28 am

he gave her his heart and eternity and she immediately started torturing him?

...been there :P

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Re: Don't Give Your Heart Away

Post by strawman » Sun Feb 28, 2010 3:08 pm

munsi wrote:he gave her his heart and eternity and she immediately started torturing him?

...been there :P
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Re: Don't Give Your Heart Away

Post by Scattercat » Mon Mar 01, 2010 8:47 am

FWIW, the title for this one is up for grabs. This one's kind of generic, but I couldn't think of a better one.

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Re: Don't Give Your Heart Away

Post by ROU Killing Time » Mon Mar 01, 2010 9:14 am

Scattercat wrote:FWIW, the title for this one is up for grabs. This one's kind of generic, but I couldn't think of a better one.
Warm Hands, Cold Heart. (I specialize in titles...)

It would work better though if you changed "she pressed her hand" to plural.

One other minor comment, I think you could shift some of the Boudy's in the final sequence to a pronoun and get less of a Boudy, Boudy, Boudy, repetition.

Could probably pronoun an Anastasia or two as well. Pretty firmly established that there are only 2 characters in the scene.

Titles are important, in my mind. In fact, my only minor quibble with the most awesome "Morris & the Machine" is that I thought it could have used a stronger title.
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