One of Us

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?
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CLP
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One of Us

Post by CLP » Thu Sep 09, 2010 5:37 pm

I gasp ragged breaths. I cannot out run it. It is relentless. Lactic acid chokes my muscles; blood, my lungs. Eventually, I slow.

Its cold metal arms subdue me. I'm unable to struggle against its vise grip. Panels slide open on its head, permitting wires to emerge, snaking slowly to my temples.

I scream in agony. The wires penetrate, burrowing deep into my brain.

The pain stops abruptly. I see myself dead before me, pinned by my own metal hands. My thoughts intertwine with those of a thousand other individuals, and we think in unison, “We are one of us.”
Science Fiction Laboratory http://www.clperria.weebly.com

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mrsmica
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Re: One of Us

Post by mrsmica » Fri Sep 10, 2010 1:14 am

"eventually I slow" should be moved to the end of that first paragraph.

"I cannot even struggle" - even is a fluff word. I know that would mess up your word count, but it needs to go

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manintheshack
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Re: One of Us

Post by manintheshack » Fri Sep 10, 2010 1:22 am

I like the idea behind this. That instant, unexpected shift in perspective has managed to become something far worse than the simple oblivion of a violent death.

If you're going with mrsmica's advice (and I tend to agree) you could always switch the words to become "I'm unable to struggle...". Ta da! Wordcount crisis averted!
"I kick arse for the Lord."

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CLP
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Re: One of Us

Post by CLP » Fri Sep 10, 2010 2:04 pm

thanks for the tips.
edited.
Science Fiction Laboratory http://www.clperria.weebly.com

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flyawaybefree
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Re: One of Us

Post by flyawaybefree » Fri Sep 10, 2010 2:39 pm

you have now entered the collective. you willl be boarded. Resistence is futile. (It kinda reminded me of the Borg...)
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
-Dr. Seuss

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