Asylum

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?
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LizPennies
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Asylum

Post by LizPennies » Fri Apr 27, 2012 7:20 pm

They say I belong here. They put me in this hospital because I like to torture with electricity and needles. To watch them twitch and twist. I have an obsession with the whir of the hand drill and leather straps. An obsession, with the drill-scrape through the bone of a skull, and slice at the grey sponge below. I keep the pieces I cut away in jars of liquid, lined neatly in shelves. They say I belong in this place. In this room. Wrapped in a white coat. They gave me a doctorate to prove it, and pay me well.
A story doesn't have to have be happy, to gain happiness from a story.

HJfiction
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Re: Assylum

Post by HJfiction » Fri Apr 27, 2012 10:24 pm

Title's misspelled, haha.

Anyway, this is an interesting idea but it's not quite where you want it to be. Right now it's just a monologue. 100 words is quite difficult, but try and break it up. Add a little dialogue or something. Also, watch out for unnecessary commas.
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strawman
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Re: Assylum

Post by strawman » Sat Apr 28, 2012 2:19 am

HJfiction wrote:Title's misspelled, haha.
More appropriate might be "Title's misspelled, he-haw."

One can never assume what one was thinking.
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"

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LizPennies
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Re: Asylum

Post by LizPennies » Sat Apr 28, 2012 4:00 am

Wow... Things must have REALLY changed while I was away. I remember this forum being a bit more welcoming. Apologies if this story was not exactly to your tastes, HJ. This is just where I come to kick back with some words in my free time, and to exercise concise fictions. Didn't mean to offend?

Thanks, Strawman. It's been awhile. Hope you've been well. :)
A story doesn't have to have be happy, to gain happiness from a story.

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ROU Killing Time
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Re: Asylum

Post by ROU Killing Time » Sat Apr 28, 2012 6:29 am

Liz!!! You're Back. Missed you and your strait-jacket (which you apparently lost in what is, no doubt, a fascinating tale in and of itself...)

Good to see you again.

(P.S.: the new avatar is lovely.)

(P.P.S: this is my 3333rd post. Why is it we are fascinated by such numbers on the odometer (or the forum post counter...)
"Never fuck with The Culture"
Sublime In Peace Iain M. Banks.

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Scattercat
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Re: Asylum

Post by Scattercat » Sat Apr 28, 2012 9:34 am

While HJ's reaction was unhelpfully vague (and I don't see why a monologue is a problem for a drabble), there are a couple of verb issues. This bit, in particular:
I have an obsession with the whir of the hand drill and leather straps. An obsession, with the drill-scrape through the bone of a skull, and slice at the grey sponge below
Might read better as one sentence, and I'm unclear on whether it's meant to be "obsession with the drill (noun); to scrape (verb) through the bone and slice (verb) at the grey sponge below," or whether it's meant to be "obsession with the drill-scrape (nelogism, noun) through the bone of a skull, THE slicing (noun) into the grey sponge below." I kind of like the second option, but the comma and the lack of -ing don't work in that case.

Honestly, though, other than that minor polishing, this one strikes me as pretty good, and could probably be suitable if we ever do a Mad Science type story. I'm not sure what adding dialogue would accomplish other than wasting wordcount.

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LizPennies
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Re: Asylum

Post by LizPennies » Sat Apr 28, 2012 6:07 pm

Scattercat wrote:Might read better as one sentence, and I'm unclear on whether it's meant to be "obsession with the drill (noun); to scrape (verb) through the bone and slice (verb) at the grey sponge below," or whether it's meant to be "obsession with the drill-scrape (nelogism, noun) through the bone of a skull, THE slicing (noun) into the grey sponge below." I kind of like the second option, but the comma and the lack of -ing don't work in that case.

Thanks, Scattercat. This helps. There was definitely something... "missing" and I think it needs a lot more playing with/polishing. :) Need to start somewhere. Thanks for helping with that next step.
A story doesn't have to have be happy, to gain happiness from a story.

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LizPennies
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Re: Asylum

Post by LizPennies » Sat Apr 28, 2012 6:16 pm

ROU Killing Time wrote:Liz!!! You're Back. Missed you and your strait-jacket (which you apparently lost in what is, no doubt, a fascinating tale in and of itself...)

Good to see you again.

(P.S.: the new avatar is lovely.)

(P.P.S: this is my 3333rd post. Why is it we are fascinated by such numbers on the odometer (or the forum post counter...)

Hey, ROU! Good to see you too. I'm going to try to stay around some more over the summer now that I'm about done with the school year. (Decided to try my hand at returning to college.) Been under a pretty heavy workload for a bit. But won 1st place in the university's superior writer's award in the meantime.

Yeah, I 86'd the jacket (for now.) Thanks for the compliment. And I'm honored to be the 3333rd. A significant number indeed. I've had an unhealthy obsession with 3's for longer than I should admit to.
A story doesn't have to have be happy, to gain happiness from a story.

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ROU Killing Time
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Re: Asylum

Post by ROU Killing Time » Sat Apr 28, 2012 9:37 pm

LizPennies wrote:
ROU Killing Time wrote:Liz!!! You're Back. Missed you and your strait-jacket (which you apparently lost in what is, no doubt, a fascinating tale in and of itself...)

Good to see you again.

(P.S.: the new avatar is lovely.)

(P.P.S: this is my 3333rd post. Why is it we are fascinated by such numbers on the odometer (or the forum post counter...)

Hey, ROU! Good to see you too. I'm going to try to stay around some more over the summer now that I'm about done with the school year. (Decided to try my hand at returning to college.) Been under a pretty heavy workload for a bit. But won 1st place in the university's superior writer's award in the meantime.

Yeah, I 86'd the jacket (for now.) Thanks for the compliment. And I'm honored to be the 3333rd. A significant number indeed. I've had an unhealthy obsession with 3's for longer than I should admit to.
mine problem is with 8's. Big grats on the award. Glad to hear you'll be around.
"Never fuck with The Culture"
Sublime In Peace Iain M. Banks.

HJfiction
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Re: Asylum

Post by HJfiction » Sun Apr 29, 2012 12:23 am

LizPennies wrote:Wow... Things must have REALLY changed while I was away. I remember this forum being a bit more welcoming. Apologies if this story was not exactly to your tastes, HJ. This is just where I come to kick back with some words in my free time, and to exercise concise fictions. Didn't mean to offend?
Nothing I said was meant to be unwelcoming, mean, or in any way insulting. I workshop all the time in person, so it's harder to post things online without worrying about how the writer will take it. In any case, I had no intention of giving the wrong impression. I'm not one to step on anybody's toes.

Also, in reference to the tastes thing--I admit the general themes on this site are something I can't really write, or at least not right now. It's not my usual game, so commenting on it can be difficult. Maybe after I get more tuned in with the sci-fi/horror idea, I can be of more help.
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Re: Asylum

Post by tbaker2500 » Sun Apr 29, 2012 1:50 am

LIZ!!!!! *hugs*

I've been wondering where you got to. The obvious assumption was the Asylum, of course. It's great to have you back.

The story was great. I think it's true and shows people's obsessions with what they really care about.
You're my quasi-ichthian angel, you're my half-amphibian queen...

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LizPennies
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Re: Asylum

Post by LizPennies » Sun Apr 29, 2012 5:26 am

No worries, HJ.

Hey Tbaker! I've missed you all. Institute... Institution... Asylum... Really just splitting hairs there. ;) Thanks for the welcome back.
A story doesn't have to have be happy, to gain happiness from a story.

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ROU Killing Time
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Re: Asylum

Post by ROU Killing Time » Sun Apr 29, 2012 7:34 am

Going back to college sounds like a blast (and lots more fun than my last year, and I don't think Im the only old-timer that logged a tough one.) You went from newbie to old-timer un about a week when u first showed up. we are all suckers for crazy avatars and crazier drabbles round these parts. Maybe its time for me to try my hand at crazy again. I've given up for awhile. Everything comes out too maudlin
"Never fuck with The Culture"
Sublime In Peace Iain M. Banks.

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strawman
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Re: Asylum

Post by strawman » Sun Apr 29, 2012 11:44 am

Even in the "New Economy", Crazy is not a promising career track. It has to be involuntary, and NOT because the meds are fun and you can't afford a vacation.
We celebrate Liz' return to active duty. We especially need the old reliables, since Mikes has apparently taught bots to write drabbles so he can manipulate the Mega Beast vote.
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"

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