The Enchanter's Legacy

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?
Post Reply
User avatar
tarmo
Member
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 10:59 am
Location: Finland
Contact:

The Enchanter's Legacy

Post by tarmo » Thu Sep 12, 2013 11:27 am

Hi all! First time posting to the forums, long time Drabblecast listener and supporter from Finland. During this working day I had an epiphany, and wrote this in about 12 minutes. There's probably tons of ways to improve it, since I really have no idea of the techniques one would use to ensure a good 100 word story, but here is my first ever drabble:

As he was cast down from the council, he fled the land. Ranging far, he stumbled upon ancient forbidden secrets. With these he returned, overthrowing his enemies. Using arcane magicks, he imbued artefacts with fantastic qualities. Items he crafted were shinier, less clunky, more likable. People thought they were blessed, which indeed they were. His fame spread and he became the richest merchant of the known world. Until he died. His heirs attempted to continue his legacy, but the enchantment was ebbing unrelentingly. His previously blessed items eventually became mundane, boring, clunky, unstable and obsolete.
Spoiler:
Rest in peace, Steve Jobs.
Any constructive criticism and improved riffs are welcome.

User avatar
strawman
Member
Posts: 5966
Joined: Sat Oct 20, 2007 2:20 pm
Location: South Georgia

Re: The Enchanter's Legacy

Post by strawman » Thu Sep 12, 2013 12:22 pm

A warm Welcome, Tarmo!

It's good to have Finland represented in Drabbleland. Few places have such a strong claim to strangeness as one whose popular cultic rituals combine Sauna and the Tango, followed by jumping into a frozen lake.

Finland must be a bit like Oregon in that respect. It's their way of welcoming people to vacation in California.
Fine drabble, sir. Although I think the spoiler isn't necessary.
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"

User avatar
Algernon Sydney is Dead
Moderator
Posts: 3517
Joined: Thu Oct 16, 2008 11:22 pm
Location: PRK (California)

Re: The Enchanter's Legacy

Post by Algernon Sydney is Dead » Thu Sep 12, 2013 12:28 pm

Welcome aboard, Tarmo!

Yeah, I saw that spoiler coming from a mile away. You should read "Fire in the Valley: The Making of The Personal Computer" and watch "Pirates of Silicon Valley". Both eye-opening, educational, and riveting.
They also jibe nicely with the rumors that I was hearing, about Jobs, when I worked in the valley, so they must be true. :P

As for the drabble, fine first attempt. Here's some points to consider:
  1. A drabble is exactly 100 words. I only count 95 for this.
  2. This is mostly "telling". Try to "show" the character doing things.
  3. Adjectives are like habanero peppers. Used occasionally, they can be fun, but use them very sparingly -- especially when starting out. (But, ironically, too many adjectives actually makes the piece less hot.)
Still, praising your personal hero and bashing Apple are always laudable goals. :)

Welcome aboard!

User avatar
tarmo
Member
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 10:59 am
Location: Finland
Contact:

Re: The Enchanter's Legacy

Post by tarmo » Thu Sep 12, 2013 1:47 pm

Thanks for the warm welcome! The spoiler is part of the drabble, so there's exactly 100 words. Since I've been mostly listening to Norm read out drabbles, I appreciate the often surprising ending, and just looking at the text in the edit screen seemed to highlight the two last words. So I hid them. But they're the last 5 words of the drabble.

And yes, sauna and holes in frozen lakes are an everyday thing here in Finland. Whenever we deal with foreigners (or other Finns), before getting down to business a sauna and a swim are called for.

You know that shaking hands as a ritual originates from the gesture that you show you carry no weapons - you have empty palms? The Finnish sauna is an extension of that. When you're naked in a hot room with everyone else, and sweating, and calm, and meditative, you certainly have nothing to hide.

User avatar
gunsofchekhovia
Member
Posts: 376
Joined: Thu Apr 04, 2013 3:31 am
Location: Louisiana
Contact:

Re: The Enchanter's Legacy

Post by gunsofchekhovia » Thu Sep 12, 2013 1:48 pm

Welcome, tarmo!

Nice piece. I'm in almost complete agreement with ASID, though--more showing, less telling, fewer adjectives. Lovecraft built himself a legacy with no ability to write dialogue and tons of the blandest adjectives he could think of, but I wouldn't bet on the same thing happening to any of us.

But I did notice that your spoiler is exactly 5 words, so I'm guessing it's actually part of the story, which makes your total word count exactly 100. [edit: And now I see you said exactly that.]

All in all, great first effort. Keep 'em coming!

User avatar
Varda
Connor Choadsworth Defender
Posts: 1383
Joined: Wed Apr 10, 2013 5:41 pm
Location: Athens, Georgia
Contact:

Re: The Enchanter's Legacy

Post by Varda » Thu Sep 12, 2013 2:08 pm

I'm jumping aboard the welcome wagon - howdy, Tarmo! Really enjoyed your first drabble. I'm a Steve Jobs fan myself. The drabble almost reads like the voice-over of some kick-ass fantasy film version of Steve Jobs's life - which, let's face it, would make an awesome movie. :D

I'm agreed with ASiD about wanting to see you show more than tell. Now that you've got a great sketch of the way the story looks, why not pick an angle to focus on and draw us in? I even think this would make an interesting first-person piece, perhaps in the voice of one of his acolytes remembering his fallen lord at the funeral.
Medical Microfiction: Stories about Science

Drabblescout Badges:
Merits: Twabble Author (5), Drabble Author (4), DRIP Slave Volunteer (2), Whittling (1), Macaroni Crafts (2)
Demerits: Redd*t Rouser (2), Whittler's Mother (6)

User avatar
strawman
Member
Posts: 5966
Joined: Sat Oct 20, 2007 2:20 pm
Location: South Georgia

Re: The Enchanter's Legacy

Post by strawman » Thu Sep 12, 2013 3:55 pm

Cool idea, Varda. The apprentice trying desperately to recreate from memory the olde spells, under the threat of doom from rioting, greedy stakeholders.

A good title might also be "Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge".
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"

User avatar
tarmo
Member
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 10:59 am
Location: Finland
Contact:

Re: The Enchanter's Legacy

Post by tarmo » Fri Sep 13, 2013 8:58 am

Short netiquette question. If and when people make new versions of their drabbles, are they usually posted as comments to the original, or as new posts?

User avatar
strawman
Member
Posts: 5966
Joined: Sat Oct 20, 2007 2:20 pm
Location: South Georgia

Re: The Enchanter's Legacy

Post by strawman » Fri Sep 13, 2013 9:17 am

tarmo wrote:Short netiquette question. If and when people make new versions of their drabbles, are they usually posted as comments to the original, or as new posts?
Miss ASID has not yet specifically ruled on this, but in the opinion of a lesser minion, evolutionary change belongs in the thread, whereas substantial genetic mutation requires a new genus.

If I am wrong, bump for correct answer.
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"

User avatar
Varda
Connor Choadsworth Defender
Posts: 1383
Joined: Wed Apr 10, 2013 5:41 pm
Location: Athens, Georgia
Contact:

Re: The Enchanter's Legacy

Post by Varda » Fri Sep 13, 2013 10:42 am

strawman wrote:
tarmo wrote:Short netiquette question. If and when people make new versions of their drabbles, are they usually posted as comments to the original, or as new posts?
Miss ASID has not yet specifically ruled on this, but in the opinion of a lesser minion, evolutionary change belongs in the thread, whereas substantial genetic mutation requires a new genus.

If I am wrong, bump for correct answer.
Hmm, well, that's good to know. :oops:
Medical Microfiction: Stories about Science

Drabblescout Badges:
Merits: Twabble Author (5), Drabble Author (4), DRIP Slave Volunteer (2), Whittling (1), Macaroni Crafts (2)
Demerits: Redd*t Rouser (2), Whittler's Mother (6)

User avatar
strawman
Member
Posts: 5966
Joined: Sat Oct 20, 2007 2:20 pm
Location: South Georgia

Re: The Enchanter's Legacy

Post by strawman » Fri Sep 13, 2013 10:50 am

Varda wrote: Hmm, well, that's good to know. :oops:
What? Did I step in something?
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"

User avatar
Varda
Connor Choadsworth Defender
Posts: 1383
Joined: Wed Apr 10, 2013 5:41 pm
Location: Athens, Georgia
Contact:

Re: The Enchanter's Legacy

Post by Varda » Fri Sep 13, 2013 11:12 am

Nah. Up until now, I've been freely editing my drabbles in the original post when the mood strikes me. I just figured that the poor soul responsible for combing the forum catalog for the weekly feature drabble may not have time to read all the way down a thread, so the most current version should go up top. But of course, unlike Tarmo, I didn't have the sensibility to ask. My bad!
Medical Microfiction: Stories about Science

Drabblescout Badges:
Merits: Twabble Author (5), Drabble Author (4), DRIP Slave Volunteer (2), Whittling (1), Macaroni Crafts (2)
Demerits: Redd*t Rouser (2), Whittler's Mother (6)

User avatar
Cwpants
Member
Posts: 84
Joined: Tue Sep 10, 2013 11:54 pm
Location: Wisconsin

Re: The Enchanter's Legacy

Post by Cwpants » Fri Sep 13, 2013 1:40 pm

Welcome, tarmo! I am also new to the forums. Thanks for asking the question. I've been wondering as well.
C.W. Pants

“The road to hell is paved with adverbs.”
― Stephen King, On Writing

User avatar
Algernon Sydney is Dead
Moderator
Posts: 3517
Joined: Thu Oct 16, 2008 11:22 pm
Location: PRK (California)

Re: The Enchanter's Legacy

Post by Algernon Sydney is Dead » Fri Sep 13, 2013 7:50 pm

strawman wrote:
tarmo wrote:Short netiquette question. If and when people make new versions of their drabbles, are they usually posted as comments to the original, or as new posts?
The supremely hunky ASID has not yet specifically ruled on this, but in the opinion of a lesser minion, evolutionary change belongs in the thread, whereas substantial genetic mutation requires a new genus.

If I am wrong, bump for correct answer.
(That's an awful lot of bumps that will be needed. :D )

My specific "ruling" is: With the right amount of cash (to me), you can do almost anything you want.

My opinion:
For minor or moderate changes, just edit the top post in place. BUT, put a note at the bottom like: "Version 1.2 Last change Sep 13, 2013". (Protip: fill in the
Reason for editing this post
field, when you edit.)

Or, if you want to preserve the history of the drabble, reply to your thread with the new one and edit the top post to indicate that a newer version is below. Note that you can hyperlink to specific posts. (Sample post link)

For major rewrites: please keep the old version too, if the rewrite would make thread confusing otherwise.
If you want to start a new thread, please include a note that it is a rewrite of the old thread/drabble.

User avatar
Flintknapper
Member
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 9:06 pm
Location: Jemez Springs, New Mexico

Re: The Enchanter's Legacy

Post by Flintknapper » Fri Sep 13, 2013 9:20 pm

Welcome Tarmo! Third new person in a week! yeah!

I am not really good at riddles. So I will be honest I did not get this until the reveal. I guess I was expecting something funny, but it is solid. A year or two ago, I might have said that I disagreed with the characterization that he made things easier as I am not a big apple fan... but working with Windows 8 makes me want to take a hammer to my head.

Speaking of Jobs has anyone seen the movie?

Post Reply