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Serial Killer Terrorizes City

Posted: Fri Sep 27, 2013 5:56 pm
by Cwpants
Edited per suggestion. Thank you!!

“I asked him to stop. He didn’t listen, sir.”

“When he continued, you followed modus operandi?”

“I did, Elder Drear. I bared my teeth and attempted to cast intimidation. He persisted.”

“Please, Luna, tell the council what happened next.”

“The door behind him was the only way out of the nightclub’s restroom. He had a blade trained on my heart. I did what I had to. I tore out his throat.”

“Did you drink from him, child?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And you severed the brainstem before dumping the body?”

“Well....”

"Answer me, girl."

"No, Sir. I did not."

“A fatal error.”

Re: CHANNEL 3 BREAKING NEWS: Serial Killer Terrorizes City

Posted: Sat Sep 28, 2013 9:21 pm
by Flintknapper
Strange. I am ususally not a big dialogue only fan, but in this case, I would work with it to get rid of Luna lowering eyes in shame and make it dialogue only.

Re: CHANNEL 3 BREAKING NEWS: Serial Killer Terrorizes City

Posted: Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:06 pm
by Cwpants
Flintknapper wrote:Strange. I am ususally not a big dialogue only fan, but in this case, I would work with it to get rid of Luna lowering eyes in shame and make it dialogue only.
Thanks for the suggestion! I've worked the eliminate those words and make the story dialogue only. You were definitely correct!

Re: Serial Killer Terrorizes City

Posted: Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:17 pm
by strawman
I plead ignorance (obviously, I would not last a minute in this restroom): Why is it a fatal error not to sever the brainstem?

Re: Serial Killer Terrorizes City

Posted: Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:22 pm
by Cwpants
Hmmm...I got rid of the original title because I thought it was hokey but perhaps it made that clearer.

The original title read:

CHANNEL 3 BREAKING NEWS: Serial Killer Terrorizes City

This young, inexperienced vampire attacked her would-be assailant and inadvertently turned him into a vampire. He proceeds to terrorize the city with his new found powers and his already violent inclinations. Keeping his body intact allows him to turn. In my teeny tiny pretend vampire universe.

Re: Serial Killer Terrorizes City

Posted: Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:49 pm
by strawman
When it comes to vampires, I have not read the literature or followed the TV shows. This moderator is like the Japanese soldier just emerging from the Okinawa cave.

A smart ignorant person just keeps his mouth shut, but this is me.

So, in terms of interior logic, the "Fatal error" part doesn't make sense. The Elder is a fellow vampire, no? Is there some vampire taboo that discourages creating more vampires?

Or is it just a mistake to be talking about interior logic here? :)

Re: Serial Killer Terrorizes City

Posted: Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:53 pm
by Flintknapper
Yeah... I think it reads much better as dialogue only in this case. There was a contest last month at bartleby snopes for dialogue only pieces. It is a fun idea. It isn't one that I think is that successful but in a small flash fiction piece it can be good. It also works well in audio if you have two voice actors do the part.

Re: Serial Killer Terrorizes City

Posted: Thu Oct 10, 2013 4:12 pm
by Cwpants
strawman wrote:.
So, in terms of interior logic, the "Fatal error" part doesn't make sense. The Elder is a fellow vampire, no? Is there some vampire taboo that discourages creating more vampires?

Or is it just a mistake to be talking about interior logic here? :)
Good question. I guess I imagine the counsel is blaming her for the rampage the killer is going on. "Fatal" could be translated many ways.

1) he is killing many humans. (Fatal to humans)
2) he is putting the tenuous arrangement (maybe peace, maybe ignorance) between humans and vampires at risk. (Fatal to vampires)
3) perhaps Luna is even at risk of severe punishment from the counsel. (Fatal to Luna)

In my story, I am sure of the first two. I care for Luna and hate to imagine the third.

Re: Serial Killer Terrorizes City

Posted: Thu Oct 10, 2013 4:31 pm
by strawman
Strange as this thread is, it does illustrate the absolute importance of cultural frame of reference.

Max Schreck... Bella Lugosi... Lon Cheney... Dick Cheney... Robert Pattinson...????

Re: Serial Killer Terrorizes City

Posted: Thu Oct 10, 2013 4:49 pm
by Cwpants
strawman wrote:Strange as this thread is, it does illustrate the absolute importance of cultural frame of reference.

Max Schreck... Bella Lugosi... Lon Cheney... Dick Cheney... Robert Pattinson...????
LOLZ @ Dick Cheney
Shudders @ Robert Pattenson

You are absolutely right! There are so many different "versions" of vampires not only between cultures and time periods, but authors also create their own unique worlds and rules when they tackle the subject. It really is fascinating.

Re: Serial Killer Terrorizes City

Posted: Wed Oct 16, 2013 8:44 am
by zcarter80
Guess who gets to record this one!