The Monster Gets His Dinner

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?
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kentblue82
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The Monster Gets His Dinner

Post by kentblue82 » Sat Sep 28, 2013 5:50 am

I wait in the dark. Hours pass. Days. A week. Then the door opens and light stings my eyes. I shrink back, out of sight. Dripping wet creatures enter my lair. Saliva pools in my mouth as they explore, drying during the process. I decide one of the many small, white creatures is the perfect portion. I’m patient and, eventually, one of them separate from the others. I lash out and seize my meal. I retreat quickly, deep into darkness. I am still feasting when I hear the cries of sorrow.

“Honey, I can’t find the match to this sock.”
"Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying." - Arthur C. Clarke

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strawman
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Re: The Monster Gets His Dinner

Post by strawman » Sat Sep 28, 2013 11:48 am

Nice concept reminiscent of a valentine episode a few years back about self-sacrifice in the drier (can't find the Ep# in a search). But there's just too much anticipatory lip-licking. I dunno, maybe this is something lint traps do. But man, do I get cotton-mouthed when I imagine that. So don't be offended when I say the drabble made me gag.

I gagged, but in a good way. :)
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
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gunsofchekhovia
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Re: The Monster Gets His Dinner

Post by gunsofchekhovia » Sat Sep 28, 2013 3:25 pm

But man, do I get cotton-mouthed when I imagine that
Wool I'll be damned. You must have had pun with that one, strawman.

kentblue82, first, let me offer you a warm tumble... I mean welcome. Now, about this fabrication of yours (get it? FABRICation? Whatever, it was hilarious.)

I agree with strawman, too much lip licking, and also too many uses of the word "lair." The drabble is a form that demands extreme word economy. The good news here is you've gotten your story out in less than 100 words. If I were you, I'd clean up the repetition and add in a juicy shirttail... er, detail or two.

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Flintknapper
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Re: The Monster Gets His Dinner

Post by Flintknapper » Sat Sep 28, 2013 8:57 pm

excellent. The repitition here really works. Good surprise at the end. Fun, but not goofy.

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Varda
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Re: The Monster Gets His Dinner

Post by Varda » Sun Sep 29, 2013 1:32 am

This drabble has some excellent potential if you cut out that redundant phrase and perhaps replace it with some nice sensory details about the monster's socky prey. Overall, I really dig this one.
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kentblue82
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Re: The Monster Gets His Dinner

Post by kentblue82 » Sun Sep 29, 2013 5:50 am

Wow! Thanks for the feedback. This is my first foray into drabbles. I now know how to better approach one. I will rework this one a bit. Thanks!
"Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying." - Arthur C. Clarke

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kentblue82
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Re: The Monster Gets His Dinner

Post by kentblue82 » Sun Sep 29, 2013 6:21 am

Updated. And thanks again for the advice!
"Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying." - Arthur C. Clarke

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strawman
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Re: The Monster Gets His Dinner

Post by strawman » Sun Sep 29, 2013 8:17 am

This thread is a good example of why it is problematic to edit the original work. The comments no longer make any sense. If you kept the original version, then added the rewrite, that would maintain the integrity of the process for the benefit of future DC archaeologists.
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"

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kentblue82
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Re: The Monster Gets His Dinner

Post by kentblue82 » Sun Sep 29, 2013 2:01 pm

I tried to find my earlier version ( or recreate it) but I couldn't. I wish I could because I see what you mean. I know better for the future.
"Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying." - Arthur C. Clarke

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gunsofchekhovia
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Re: The Monster Gets His Dinner

Post by gunsofchekhovia » Sun Sep 29, 2013 7:50 pm

Don't feel bad. The process for revising an already-posted piece has been a topic of discussion here recently.

I like this version better than the original. One little nit: "separate" should be "separates."

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