Sympathy for a Clown, Part 1: Prodrabble

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?

Did Miss Grimsley succeed in polishing this drabble?

Yes, stunning. Where can I get Miss G's phone #
4
100%
No, get a new editor, better yet, give up drabbling
0
No votes
Needs more work, but you are almost there
0
No votes
 
Total votes: 4

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ROU Killing Time
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Sympathy for a Clown, Part 1: Prodrabble

Post by ROU Killing Time » Tue Aug 11, 2009 12:08 am

Gummy the Clown inwardly shrieked in terror as his tormenter approached.

Facing Gummy, his eyes glimmered with delight.

Shiny metal flashed brightly before the helplessly immobile clown's frightened eyes.

Poor Gummy's innards were twisted sickeningly by the rotating blades fanning through his chest as if a sadistic surgeon was straining at the gears of a rib-spreader.

With an agonizing snap, something gave way within Gummy the Clown.

A little piece of his heart was ripped from him, rolling down the metal tube placed there for that purpose.

Bobby grabbed the gum from its receptacle and popped it in his mouth.

Image

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Post by Mr. Tweedy » Tue Aug 11, 2009 5:41 am

:D

Great twist!
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Post by ROU Killing Time » Tue Aug 11, 2009 6:06 am

Mr. Tweedy wrote::D

Great twist!
Twist? What twist? I thought it was obvious that it was a story about a trip to the local gumball machine from the get-go.

Seriously though. I'm glad you liked it.

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Re: Sympathy for a Clown, Part 1: Prodrabble

Post by Phenopath » Tue Aug 11, 2009 7:16 pm

ROU Killing Time wrote: Like a sadistic surgeon was straining at the gears of a rib-spreader, ...
Needs a tweak methinks ;)

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Re: Sympathy for a Clown, Part 1: Prodrabble

Post by ROU Killing Time » Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:09 pm

Phenopath wrote:
ROU Killing Time wrote: Like a sadistic surgeon was straining at the gears of a rib-spreader, ...
Needs a tweak methinks ;)
Hmm, I think that's a structurally valid metaphor, at least I don't see where the problem lies.

I'll need to check with Miss. Grimsley.

(Slices palm and draws pentacle of blood on the ground, while incanting arcane phrases...)

What say you, Miss. Grimsley???

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Re: Sympathy for a Clown, Part 1: Prodrabble

Post by Phenopath » Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:23 pm

ROU Killing Time wrote:
Phenopath wrote:
ROU Killing Time wrote: Like a sadistic surgeon was straining at the gears of a rib-spreader, ...
Needs a tweak methinks ;)
Hmm, I think that's a structurally valid metaphor, at least I don't see where the problem lies.

I'll need to check with Miss. Grimsley.

(Slices palm and draws pentacle of blood on the ground, while incanting arcane phrases...)

What say you, Miss. Grimsley???
Sorry I should have elaborated, perhaps it could be rephrased "Though a sadistic..." or "As if a sadistic...". It just read a little peculiar.

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Post by ROU Killing Time » Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:42 pm

First off, apologies to Miss.Grimsley for me grossly referring to that line as a metaphor.

It is, of course, a similie.

That being said, "Like" or "As if" seem to be equivalent phrases
"As if", might be a little better, but then I have to figure out what other word in the drabble has to go to make room.

Or I could just use "Sif" :P

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Post by ROU Killing Time » Tue Aug 11, 2009 11:51 pm

Let's examine the similie in question.

"Like a sadistic surgeon was straining at the gears of a rib-spreader, poor Gummy felt his innards twist sickeningly by rotating blades fanning through his chest."

Perhaps it would be less awkward written thusly?

"Poor Gummy felt his innards twist sickeningly by rotating blades fanning through his chest like a sadistic surgeon was straining at the gears of a rib-spreader."

Or move away from "Like" and go to "As if"

"As if a sadistic surgeon was straining at the gears of a rib-spreader, poor Gummy's innards twisted sickeningly by the rotating blades fanning through his chest."

Kinda like that last one best, I think, but feel free to chime in if you think it can be improved... (As if I need to ask... :-)

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indeed

Post by StalinSays » Wed Aug 12, 2009 12:00 am

Whoever they get to play Gummy in the movie better be signed to a three picture deal.

My vote is for Don Rickles.

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Post by strawman » Wed Aug 12, 2009 12:10 am

I can see Don Rickles as the Oompa Loompas
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Post by ROU Killing Time » Wed Aug 12, 2009 12:31 am

Strawman, is line three (four now, I split an earlier sentence into two.) easier on Miss.Grimsley's fragile bones the way it is now written?

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Re: Sympathy for a Clown, Part 1: Prodrabble

Post by strawman » Wed Aug 12, 2009 1:40 am

ROU Killing Time wrote:As if a sadistic surgeon was straining at the gears of a rib-spreader, poor Gummy's innards twisted sickeningly by the rotating blades fanning through his chest.
(Miss Grimsley replies by drabble:)

Miss Grimsley feels that the sentence wouldn't teeter so if its center of gravity were lower. You have made the subordinate clause the foundation, and the upper floors a Reuben Goldberg construction of adverbs and prepositions. Miss Grimsley was impressed that your syntax was so cleverly evocative of whirring gumballs!

Miss Grimsley has already called you a naughty boy for flooding the market with gerunds. Do you think you can so easily smuggle one through the border by dressing it in a flimsy adverbial moustache? :wink: :wink:

Not to mention what all this does to your word count.
Sigh. Glad you asked?
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
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Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"

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Re: Sympathy for a Clown, Part 1: Prodrabble

Post by ROU Killing Time » Wed Aug 12, 2009 1:59 am

strawman wrote:
ROU Killing Time wrote:As if a sadistic surgeon was straining at the gears of a rib-spreader, poor Gummy's innards twisted sickeningly by the rotating blades fanning through his chest.
(Miss Grimsley replies by drabble:)

Miss Grimsley feels that the sentence wouldn't teeter so if its center of gravity were lower. You have made the subordinate clause the foundation, and the upper floors a Reuben Goldberg construction of adverbs and prepositions. Miss Grimsley was impressed that your syntax was so cleverly evocative of whirring gumballs!

Miss Grimsley has already called you a naughty boy for flooding the market with gerunds. Do you think you can so easily smuggle one through the border by dressing it in a flimsy adverbial moustache? :wink: :wink:

Not to mention what all this does to your word count.
Sigh. Glad you asked?
"Poor Gummy's innards twisted sickeningly by the rotating blades fanning through his chest as if a sadistic surgeon was straining at the gears of a rib-spreader. "

Foundation more solid?

And yes, I'm glad I asked. I wouldn't trust anyone but the fair Miss.Grimsley to proofread and edit me.

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Re: Sympathy for a Clown, Part 1: Prodrabble

Post by strawman » Wed Aug 12, 2009 12:46 pm

ROU Killing Time wrote:"Poor Gummy's innards twisted sickeningly by the rotating blades fanning through his chest as if a sadistic surgeon was straining at the gears of a rib-spreader. "
We think that there is one remaining parasitic egg you need to disinfect here. To discombobulate, your goal is to have those rotating blades sickeningly (grr) twist poor Gummy's innards. (Notice that this is a fairly clear formulation, achieved by reversing the order of the sentence.) But you apparently want this to be put in the passive voice.

You would normally get there by using the verb "were" along with "by" to introduce the "how". You have tried to get little old "by" to carry the freight all by himself. As Grimsley would say, "Where is your 'were'?"

SQUAWK
:twisted:

That's Miss Grimsley to you, Strawturd. I haven't said 'Where is your were?' since I ghosted with young Jack London on that book he wrote about the wolf. I was in my prime back then. But no matter how many of my favors I bestowed on young Jack, I could not get him to call it "Call of the Werewolf". (You see, that was pre-latex, and the natural rubber outfit, while well suited for water sports, was enormously clumsy... Oh, ROU, sweetmeats! I would incarnate for you.:wink: ) O, now look what you have done! Miss Grimsley has gone and violated her principles on parentheticals!
*straightens her dress*
*mops the floor*

:twisted: *whirring blades fanning through his chest*
GASP! Mommy? Are you there?
Oh... sorry... Strawman here. Hope the old banshee was helpful.

Speaking of which, why don't we have some banshee stories or categories? Banshees are the colossal squid of the spirit world, like zombie angels. If Tasty Cakes gets to be a necrotic asshole, I want to be a banshee!
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"

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Re: Sympathy for a Clown, Part 1: Prodrabble

Post by ROU Killing Time » Wed Aug 12, 2009 6:48 pm

strawman wrote:Banshees are the colossal squid of the spirit world, like zombie angels. If Tasty Cakes gets to be a necrotic asshole, I want to be a banshee!
I'll get working on "My Editor, The Banshee" later on, after I process your exlanation and fix the drabble.
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Sublime In Peace Iain M. Banks.

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Post by ROU Killing Time » Wed Aug 12, 2009 7:06 pm

"Poor Gummy's innards were twisted sickeningly by the rotating blades fanning through his chest like a sadistic surgeon was straining at the gears of a rib-spreader. "

There's yer were. does it werk?
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Sublime In Peace Iain M. Banks.

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Post by strawman » Wed Aug 12, 2009 9:02 pm

Slap an "as if" in for the "like", and lose a word somewhere else, then you tell me if you think it's a good rewrite. Or maybe we could do a poll?
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"

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Post by ROU Killing Time » Wed Aug 12, 2009 9:42 pm

strawman wrote:Slap an "as if" in for the "like", and lose a word somewhere else, then you tell me if you think it's a good rewrite. Or maybe we could do a poll?
I concur, I didn't much like the "like" myself. Can you spot the word I lost to make it happen? I think it was one that really was quite expendable and readily tossed away.

BTW, If Norm ever does pick up one of these, I am going to demand a sum equal to <evilpinky> 1 Billion Times the normal rate for Drabble submissions.</evilpinky>

You get an Editorial Byline, and I'll split the take with you...
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Post by ROU Killing Time » Thu Aug 13, 2009 12:01 am

Here's what my context sensitive ads have been throwing up in my face.

I blame you, Miss Grimsley!!!

English grammar tutorial
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Post by strawman » Thu Aug 13, 2009 1:21 am

8) :?: :roll:
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"

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