Something on her mind

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?
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Mr. Tweedy
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Something on her mind

Post by Mr. Tweedy » Tue Sep 01, 2009 3:47 am

She’s always apprehensive, like she’s waiting for something, something she expects, but hopes to never see. She always seems distracted by the smallest little things, things like shadows under doorways or wind stirring the leaves. She never seems to focus on what is happening: Making love, she looks up, like there’s something above me. We go out to dinner, but she isn’t hungry. She keeps glancing at the curtains like she sees shapes there in weave. I ask her what the matter is. “I’m fine,” comes the reply, but she says it with such a look dread behind her eyes.
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ROU Killing Time
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Re: Something on her mind

Post by ROU Killing Time » Tue Sep 01, 2009 7:19 am

Beautiful and creepy all rolled into one. And I thought I was the only hopeless romantic around here.

However it appears you dropped a word "of" , so back to the word-count tool for you.

"but she says it with such a look dread behind her eyes."

or, perhaps you just inverted the words inadvertantly. (sorry i'm hopeless addicted to alliteration, apparently)

"but she says it with such a dread look behind her eyes."

That what you meant?
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Re: Something on her mind

Post by Phenopath » Tue Sep 01, 2009 8:06 am

Excellent, this is now amoung my favourite drabbles posted here. It has a ring of truth.
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ROU Killing Time
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Re: Something on her mind

Post by ROU Killing Time » Tue Sep 01, 2009 9:51 am

Phenopath wrote:Excellent, this is now amoung my favourite drabbles posted here. It has a ring of truth.
I know I know, here I am drabbling my ass off and Tweedy swoops in with the ease of Michael Jordan* making an uncontested layup for the winning basket.

I hate you Tweedy. :) (and I say that with admiration for a very very fine drabble, provided you fix that last sentence, or explain how I have misinterpreted the obvious...)

*A sore subject for Portlanders. The trailblazers passed on Michael Jordan in the draft and took Sad Sam Bowie instead.
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Re: Something on her mind

Post by strawman » Tue Sep 01, 2009 1:11 pm

She always...she always...she never... she keeps... This has a multicity of plusses. It reminds me of my favorite line of poetry at the beginning of The Time Traveller's Wife...:"happiness, that too-hasty profit snatched from approaching loss".
Look "of" dread, and "in weave" need a fix. Then it will rate my #1.
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Re: Something on her mind

Post by Mr. Tweedy » Tue Sep 01, 2009 3:48 pm

Revised:

She’s always apprehensive, like she’s waiting for something, something she expects, but hopes to never see. She always seems distracted by the smallest little things, things like shadows under doorways or wind stirring up the leaves. She never seems to focus on what is happening: Making love, she looks up, like there’s something above me. We go out to dinner, but she isn’t hungry. She keeps glancing at the curtains like she sees movement in weave. I ask her what the matter is. “I’m fine,” comes the reply, but dread is sleeping in her eyes. There’s something on her mind.
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Re: Something on her mind

Post by revsleestaxx » Tue Sep 01, 2009 4:23 pm

Nice I like the way you conveyed the apprehension to us the readers as well.
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Re: Something on her mind

Post by ROU Killing Time » Tue Sep 01, 2009 5:55 pm

Have you had a Drabble sermonized by high priest Norm yet?

Cause this one should be. It's a poem that very successfully dances between blank and rhymed verse.

It'd sound great being sung by Willie Nelson. (Or Norm doing Willie Nelson... hint...hint...)

Only line I have any trouble with is :

"She keeps glancing at the curtains like she sees movement in weave."

to preserve your wordcount (and honestly, I think this is such good writing it would not be a shame at allto toss the 100 word restriciton and focus on making it perfect) but to keep it a drabble maybe:

"She keeps glancing at the curtains like there's movement in the weave."
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Re: Something on her mind

Post by Mr. Tweedy » Tue Sep 01, 2009 7:59 pm

Yeah, I've had two drabbles on the show. "Choosing Home" (ep. 43) and "Sammy Has A Good Day" (ep. 103).

Plus, I've gotten a few very nice rejection letters. (The Drabblecast has the best rejection letters.)
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Re: Something on her mind

Post by ROU Killing Time » Tue Sep 01, 2009 8:08 pm

Ya, I decided to save them the trouble of sending rejection letters with the suggestion to just check the forums. Maybe one day they'll be able to afford a full-time staffer to handle that task, but I didn't want to take away from their creative time by having to send out tons of rejections.

So, since your'e an official drabble star, the next rung up the ladder of fame would have to be considered having that piece Bbardle-ized.

Maybe if you sent Norm a bag of Illinois' finest he'd be willing to don Willie's cowboy hat and musicalize it. Gotta get his head in the right space, ya know. :)

I can't help but hear the music to "You were always on my mind" playing when I read this piece.
"Never fuck with The Culture"
Sublime In Peace Iain M. Banks.

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