Inspector Frank

100 word stories. Post all you like, maybe we'll dip in and use yours?
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devokan
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Inspector Frank

Post by devokan » Fri Oct 02, 2009 4:25 am

Three thousand days on the inspection line. Frank’s eyes darted back and forth. He sat on a stool, hunched over, his hands useless; they hung over his knees.
Slabs of thick meat trucked by. He licked his sweaty lips and pushed up his dirty white cap.
“Hey now!” He slammed his hand on the conveyor belt. “Who lost this?” Frank studied the whole, hairy finger. It looked fresh. There was a ring imprint.
He listened. The machine churned out loin after loin. Steam billowed up to the high ceiling. No one yelled and he dropped the digit in his pocket.

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Mr. Tweedy
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Re: Inspector Frank

Post by Mr. Tweedy » Fri Oct 02, 2009 4:43 am

I like it, but I have no idea why.
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ROU Killing Time
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Re: Inspector Frank

Post by ROU Killing Time » Fri Oct 02, 2009 6:01 am

Mr. Tweedy wrote:I like it, but I have no idea why.
cuz it draws such a vivid picture... of meat and a severed finger. What's not to like?
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strawman
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Re: Inspector Frank

Post by strawman » Fri Oct 02, 2009 8:30 am

devokan wrote:Three thousand days on the inspection line. Frank’s eyes darted back and forth. He sat on a stool, hunched over, his hands useless; they hung over his knees.
Slabs of thick meat trucked by. He licked his sweaty lips and pushed up his dirty white cap.
“Hey now!” He slammed his hand on the conveyor belt. “Who lost this?” Frank studied the whole, hairy finger. It looked fresh. There was a ring imprint.
He listened. The machine churned out loin after loin. Steam billowed up to the high ceiling. No one yelled and he dropped the digit in his pocket.
I liked it too. The ones I like are the ones that I want to rewrite. The first third is somewhat "disjointed" (predictive of the outcome?), darting here and there. Is the meat trucked or conveyed? Shouldn't it be refrigerated? Why steam and sweat? Could lick thick lips, to parallel thick meat. Slammed his hand? Why slammed? Better if "Frank studied" is put on it's own line. Maybe rephrase last sentence to add the sense that Frank looks both ways and furtively slips his treasured prize into his pocket, change of title to Finders, Keepers.
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ROU Killing Time
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Re: Inspector Frank

Post by ROU Killing Time » Fri Oct 02, 2009 10:25 am

Trust in the man of straw.
"Never fuck with The Culture"
Sublime In Peace Iain M. Banks.

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strawman
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Re: Inspector Frank

Post by strawman » Fri Oct 02, 2009 10:57 am

If scientists are not yet working on decoding the Bizarro Gene, isn't it long past time? I mean, how else can mankind improve the odds of passing it on to the next generation?
Never judge anyone until you have biopsied their brain.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."
Known Some Call Is Air Am
Spoiler:
Non sum qualis eram = "I am not who I will be"

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Phenopath
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Re: Inspector Frank

Post by Phenopath » Fri Oct 02, 2009 11:11 pm

I like the little details

"It looked fresh. There was a ring imprint."

Nice pace - for a drabble
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devokan
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Re: Inspector Frank

Post by devokan » Sat Oct 03, 2009 3:33 am

Thank you for your critiques.

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tbaker2500
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Re: Inspector Frank

Post by tbaker2500 » Sun Oct 25, 2009 9:17 pm

Nice one.
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